Struggling with small talk...

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Registered: 12-07-2006
Struggling with small talk...
44
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:21pm

Do women expect a guy who's approaching them to be interesting, witty and charming? My problem is that when I approach a girl and try talking to her, I usually get really nervous, can't think on my toes for anything interesting, witty or charming to say or any witty or snappy responses to anything she says, and I end up struggling just to get a little bit of boring small talk out (what's your name, what school do you go to, what are you reading, weather's nice today, etc.) and I think it makes girls think I'm a dull or boring guy.

You see, I was sitting at Starbucks today to do my homework, and as I was waiting for my drink, there was this pretty cute girl throwing looks towards me. At first, I didn't know if she was looking at me, the guy next to me, the guy behind me, so I didn't respond at first. But for the next 2 hours, I noticed her looking to my table a few times, her eyes following me when I got up to go to the bathroom or order another drink (she even smiled at me once) and so on. Then after about 2 hours, she stopped. I had guessed she had wanted me to come over and start talking to her but got tired of waiting (because I was too nervous to) and gave up.

I tried thinking for something witty or charming to say for about an HOUR, but I couldn't think of anything. Then when the table next to her cleared, I took my shot, layed my stuff next to her and said "Hey." She smiled and said "hi" back, and I could sense a bit of interest in the way she looked at me and in her voice, so I asked if she minded if I sat there and she said "not at all." So I sat down, asked her what she was reading (she was studying math) what her name was after I introduced myself, what her major was, what school she went to, if she went to Starbucks often and a few other things.

The thing was, when I was talking to her, I was so nervous, I could barely look her in the eye and talk at the same time (if I look a girl I like in the eye and talk at the same time, I stammer, my voice quivers and my eyes twitch) and I was struggling for conversation topics. There was about a 5 to 10 minute pause inbetween each subject I stated above, and needless to say, throughout this whole time, I couldn't think of anything charming or witty to say.

I think it's because of this that as I continued trying to talk with her, her interest in me was dropping rapidly. When I had first started talking to her, she was smiling, looking me in the eye, had a friendly sweet voice, but as time when on, she wasn't smiling anymore, wasn't looking me in the eye and had this sort of bored, exasperated voice. And each time, I felt more embarassed sitting next to her, so after a while, I got up and told her, "listen, I'm embarassed to admit this, but I sort of noticed you when I walked in here, and I've been trying to think of a clever way to ask you out, but I couldn't, so I'm going to be honest and say I think you're cute, you seem cool and interesting to talk to and if you ever have free time, I'd like to meet you again here or anywhere else sometime."

When I said this, I had stammered a few times, could only look her in the face half the time and the other half to my shoes or to the side, I'm pretty sure I was red faced and basically, it did not come out smoothley or charmingly or confidently. Her response was that she was really busy with college. I suggested before and after, but she said she didn't know. I suggested visiting her on campus, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea because she was so "busy." I was pretty desperate so in a last ditch effort, I said "No, it's okay. I understand, but if you ever have a slot of free time in the future, maybe we talk on the phone. Can I have your number." But she said she doesn't give out her number. I knew I had blown all my chances with her and I was devestatingly embarassed, so I told her I was sorry for wasting her time, that it was cool talking to her and said goodbye.

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. As you can probably see, I have a few problems, so if you can help at all, what can I do to fix them? I want to forgo all the boring small talk, but I can't because it's my only choice. I don't know how to be charming or witty or smooth so my only options at the moment are boring nervous small talk or not talking to the girl at all. What can I say or do to become more witty and charming and confident to a girl I'm talking to? What do you all like to hear from a guy when he comes to talking to you for the first time?




Edited 1/28/2007 10:30 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:08am
I called it early and I was right ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:29am

Great post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:37am
Well said, tst07! Your post was very refreshing to read!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:53am

I'm glad someone also brought up the cost of "looking good."

This guy has got it, but so many (including the OP) thinks that it's so easy.

Ha! As mentioned, a good bra (which must be fitted) - $30 or up. A good foundation for your face - $35. Hairstyle and color every six weeks - $90 (with tip). Make up and clothes - well, you figure it out.

If you want to stay in shape - 60 minute workouts every day = gym membership = $45 a month.

Easy, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:50pm
LOL...I have read your horror stories over in the OLD board since I tried OLD last year. I'm still in denial about the beauty contest thing, though I should and kind of do know better. Hope sucks sometimes...lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:10pm
Well i'm glad to hear that you at least tried to talk to her, and be honest with her, most guys wouldn't do that to begin with. The fact that she had to be impressed seems very superficial. There are women like me who just appreciate the gesture and actually think it's cute that you are so nervous about asking us out. But with that said, you should've also given up when it was clear she was no longer interested. You mentioned asking to visit her at college and call her and what not, when she had already expressed that she was no longer interested. As for advice on how to talk to a girl, i liked it when you were just honest and said straight out that you thought she was cute and wanted to get to know her. I think this works best then trying to be smooth and cliche. Well with certain types of girls at least. Some like the one you approached i guess needs the cliche approach. I hope this helps you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 7:47pm
" I have so much to offer" maybe it doesn't need to be with a woman right now, offer to the planet. Do some volunteer work, follow your heart to lead you where to give of your wonderful self. leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:19pm
Well said, Leila,I was thinking the same thing...that Redonculous needs to try his hand at some other activities and interact with more people to become more connected socially and more so to become more comfortable talking to the opposite sex. Also, being involved in socially conscious activities makes a guy much more appealing to me....esp if he is well-versed in current politics/news/philanthropically relevant issues, local, national or international.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:12am
Thanks. sometimes we get focused on happiness comes from the boy friend or girl friend or having sex or not or having a realtionship with a parent or whatever. it is all within ourselves. So, we always have to look inside first. When we are full inside and feel joy, things come to us. I have been in these book groups lately about manifesting. It all seems to be where Oprah's show was last week, the DVD/book " the secret" our thoughts have power. If we think about what we don't want. " I don't want to be alone etc yep, we get that---alone--we get alone. If we visualize the joy of what we want and feel it in our hearts, it appears. ( we don't know the timing) In some ways that is is easy for me, in others, I have to work on it. I do recognize my negative thoughts more now. I believe the process. supposed to be a law of the universe. keeping the focus on doing what we love, helping the planet in some way and feeling joy about ourselves is crucial. How beautiful and loveable we are has nothing to do with our sex lives. Just love yourself to the hilt, believe we are all deserving of the best in life, smile and let the universe do its job.
I am more in love with myself today than I was when I was hanging off the chandeliers in sex. Do I make any sense???????
Leila
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:24pm

yep, I know what you mean....the original post needs to realize that he needs to love himself and focus less on finding sex...eventually he will be very happy.....I'm sure you know that we can only attract more friends by being happy with ourselves....who do you want to be around: a happy enthusiastic person with diverse interests or an unhappy and singularly focused person?

I'm relatively so happy being single in my life now, that ...well, for example last week, out of the blue, 4 men wanted to date me.....and when I figured out a week later that all 4 were still married, I was really glad that I wasn't really into any of them. You see, I really didn't want to give up the things in my life that make me happy, ie live music, swimming, dancing, dining, drinking, etc. It might sound selfish, but I have learned it is important to be happy for myself before becoming involved with someone else. It makes for a much more stable relationship!

So, go for it, Leila - keep on giving out some goodness in the world - we all need a little bit more everywhere we look these days! More power to you! And, may you keep on smiling!