Struggling with small talk...
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:21pm |
Do women expect a guy who's approaching them to be interesting, witty and charming? My problem is that when I approach a girl and try talking to her, I usually get really nervous, can't think on my toes for anything interesting, witty or charming to say or any witty or snappy responses to anything she says, and I end up struggling just to get a little bit of boring small talk out (what's your name, what school do you go to, what are you reading, weather's nice today, etc.) and I think it makes girls think I'm a dull or boring guy.
You see, I was sitting at Starbucks today to do my homework, and as I was waiting for my drink, there was this pretty cute girl throwing looks towards me. At first, I didn't know if she was looking at me, the guy next to me, the guy behind me, so I didn't respond at first. But for the next 2 hours, I noticed her looking to my table a few times, her eyes following me when I got up to go to the bathroom or order another drink (she even smiled at me once) and so on. Then after about 2 hours, she stopped. I had guessed she had wanted me to come over and start talking to her but got tired of waiting (because I was too nervous to) and gave up.
I tried thinking for something witty or charming to say for about an HOUR, but I couldn't think of anything. Then when the table next to her cleared, I took my shot, layed my stuff next to her and said "Hey." She smiled and said "hi" back, and I could sense a bit of interest in the way she looked at me and in her voice, so I asked if she minded if I sat there and she said "not at all." So I sat down, asked her what she was reading (she was studying math) what her name was after I introduced myself, what her major was, what school she went to, if she went to Starbucks often and a few other things.
The thing was, when I was talking to her, I was so nervous, I could barely look her in the eye and talk at the same time (if I look a girl I like in the eye and talk at the same time, I stammer, my voice quivers and my eyes twitch) and I was struggling for conversation topics. There was about a 5 to 10 minute pause inbetween each subject I stated above, and needless to say, throughout this whole time, I couldn't think of anything charming or witty to say.
I think it's because of this that as I continued trying to talk with her, her interest in me was dropping rapidly. When I had first started talking to her, she was smiling, looking me in the eye, had a friendly sweet voice, but as time when on, she wasn't smiling anymore, wasn't looking me in the eye and had this sort of bored, exasperated voice. And each time, I felt more embarassed sitting next to her, so after a while, I got up and told her, "listen, I'm embarassed to admit this, but I sort of noticed you when I walked in here, and I've been trying to think of a clever way to ask you out, but I couldn't, so I'm going to be honest and say I think you're cute, you seem cool and interesting to talk to and if you ever have free time, I'd like to meet you again here or anywhere else sometime."
When I said this, I had stammered a few times, could only look her in the face half the time and the other half to my shoes or to the side, I'm pretty sure I was red faced and basically, it did not come out smoothley or charmingly or confidently. Her response was that she was really busy with college. I suggested before and after, but she said she didn't know. I suggested visiting her on campus, but she said she didn't think it was a good idea because she was so "busy." I was pretty desperate so in a last ditch effort, I said "No, it's okay. I understand, but if you ever have a slot of free time in the future, maybe we talk on the phone. Can I have your number." But she said she doesn't give out her number. I knew I had blown all my chances with her and I was devestatingly embarassed, so I told her I was sorry for wasting her time, that it was cool talking to her and said goodbye.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long post. As you can probably see, I have a few problems, so if you can help at all, what can I do to fix them? I want to forgo all the boring small talk, but I can't because it's my only choice. I don't know how to be charming or witty or smooth so my only options at the moment are boring nervous small talk or not talking to the girl at all. What can I say or do to become more witty and charming and confident to a girl I'm talking to? What do you all like to hear from a guy when he comes to talking to you for the first time?
Edited 1/28/2007 10:30 pm ET by redonculous

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Now as an older woman, i'd like another marriage or a connection like one. I have become happy alone but I adore cooking, entertaining, knitting and love to pamper a guy. i want pampering back. i still love to dress the part, Chinese food--wear a chinese outfit and slant my eyes with make up. i like to play. i did a lot of dating after my second husband died, now it is slowing down. I am doing the manifesting stuff, keeping what i want in my vision and my heart.
so, all those guys were married, yikes, how discouraging. i just saw a movie and the lead guy said about his marriage, I chose a good woman to be with and kept my dick in my pants. isn't life an experience? Leila
hey, yep, life is definitely an experience - thanks for sharing....my dad passed away unexpectedly 7 1/2 years ago, 15 years ago I had no clue I would be living in New Orleans, and in 2005 Katrina came and shook up my life upside down eventhough I didn't get flooded, and so forth....one never knows what life will bring us to address!
I too, do like to do and receive pampering - I used to have a BF who would bring me oj in bed. I'd have all the food in the house and he'd prep the breakfast. In return I'd have the dinner ready a few nights a week and life was good. We both used to wonder how we had it so good,...but things don't always stay the same....and life brings us surprises.
cheers!
Hey, there. I am really glad that you asked this question, and I want my answer to be a turning point in your life and your approach to women. Are you ready? Ok, here is the truth.
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO A WOMAN. It really doesn't. It's not about magic lines and special words. It's how you approach that matters!! In that situation, it doesn't matter whether you compliment a girl on her outfit or you ask her what she is drinking or anything else, but it matters how you come across. If you think for about an hour what to say, get all nervous and eventually talk to her with an attitude as if it was the most important even of your life, this energy will radiate toward the outside and will make a woman feel uncomfortable and turned off. If, on the other hand, you come across in a playful, detached manner, and you use your most powerful weapon of attraction - HUMOR, you will get the desired results. When you use humor, you can talk about anything - from math and biology, to fashion, sports and music. It wouldn't matter! If you star thinking along these lines and practice your posture and your ability to be funny and sarcastic in those situations, the results will not be late to come.
Thanks.
Arkady Itkin
Author of best selling audio programs on dating and relationships at
www.PracticalHappiness.com
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