Stuck in the Friend Zone... Need Advice
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| Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:29pm |
Hello all,
I'm hoping to get some advice from both men and women on an issue that I'm dealing with.
The issue involves a friend of mine, who I'll call Nina. We've been friends for about seven years now, and close friends for probably two of those seven years. Since we live several hundred miles apart, we see each other only 2-3 times per year, but we speak on the phone several times a week and exchange emails multiple times per day.
Over the course of the last six months or so, our friendship has evolved a bit. Our conversations have been less about the day-to-day BS that everyone has to deal with and more about our long term goals and wishes, love, marriage, children, sex, etc... relatively intimate stuff.
About a month ago, in rather spur-of-the-moment fashion, Nina called me up and asked if I'd like to go on vacation to Sonoma County with her. I jumped at the opportunity, as I figured that this was her way of saying that she might be interested in taking the next step.
I make really good money wherea Nina tends to be strapped for cash. She was agonizing over shelling out $60 a night for a crappy two star hotel so I finally just told her that I'd pay for the hotel and booked a couple of rooms at a high-end bed and breakfast. I didn't want to be too presumptuous, so I booked two rooms instead of one. I also went ahead and booked some events (wine tours) using my credit card and, truth be told, I probably won't ask her to refund me for her portion.
Our trip is still about ten days away, and things were going fine until about a week or so ago. Nina still calls/emails just about every day, but she continues to say things like "I can't wait for our trip... I'm going to hook up with so many hot guys" or "I can't wait to find my future husband out in Wine Country."
Frankly, its driving me nuts. I consider myself to have a fairly high social intelligence, and I seriously doubt that I've just been misreading signals these past few months. But even if Nina has had a change of heart, I could deal with going on vacation with her and staying in the "friend zone," but I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for her to go on vacation so that she can "hook up" with other guys right in front of me, with me playing the role of "sidekick."
At this point, I'm faced with a few options. I could still go on the vacation with her and just "suck it up" no matter what happens. And if things go badly, I will probably just terminate the friendship afterwards and chalked it up to a lesson learned. Alternatively, I could just cancel the vacation altogether. I know that Nina is looking forward to it, but I don't want to be in a position where I'm miserable for the entire week. If I canceled the vacation, I would send her a check for the non-refundable airfare that she purchased, so she wouldn't be losing any money on the deal.
Any advice, ladies and gents? I've been burned by women so many times, and I was really beginning to think that Nina might be the exception. But even though I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, I can't help but feel as though she's taking advantage of me to score a free vacation so she can hook-up with other guys. Its really frustrating.

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Woah there. She may not want to be more than platonic friends with you but I disagree that she's taking advantage of you. YOU offered to pay--she didn't ask. She would have been happy with the $60 rooms--you didn't have to step in. That was YOUR choice--you didn't ask about her intentions, you just hoped and assumed. That's not fair.
Given that you have expectations that she doesn't share and that are not her fault, I think you should cancel so that she isn't saddled with all the resentment you'll have about paying for her.
Sheri
Sheri,
Thanks for the response, but you've got it a little wrong. Maybe I didn't articulate myself very well. Nina has extremely unrealistic expectations about what things should cost. Because she can only afford $60 per night at a hotel, she seems to feel that's what a four-star room SHOULD cost. I've been through this before with her on countless occasions and can't seem to make her understand that expecting to pay $60 a night for a decent hotel isn't realistic. She was not happy with the $60 two star room either... she referred to it as "a dump."
I will admit that I didn't have to step in, and that I made a mistake in doing so, but I do feel like she "played me" to a degree. She described the situation to me and was extremely whiny and pouty about it and I felt obligated to save the day (no offense, but I think a lot of women do this with men). So while I made a mistake in offering to pay for her room, its not as though she wasn't hoping (and in fact, even pushing) for me to do so.
Ok, thanks for clarifying. But it was still your choice to step in--no one had a gun to your head.
And if you think she's such a whiny, pouty, manipulative so and so, then why would you even want to be friends with her, much less more than friends? I don't get that.
Sheri
Well, sure they do, but their defects are ones that I'm willing to tolerate and accept. You're not willing to accept her as she is. So if you don't like how someone treats you, then you stop associating with them. That's basic self-respect 101, isn't it?
I'm sorry but I'm really confused by what you're getting at here.
Sheri
Cool, that's a great station. Are you in Seattle also or are you listening online?
I'm actually in San Francisco at the moment, taking a little downtime before meeting a friend for dinner.
Sheri
I agree.
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