Stuck in the Friend Zone... Need Advice
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| Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:29pm |
Hello all,
I'm hoping to get some advice from both men and women on an issue that I'm dealing with.
The issue involves a friend of mine, who I'll call Nina. We've been friends for about seven years now, and close friends for probably two of those seven years. Since we live several hundred miles apart, we see each other only 2-3 times per year, but we speak on the phone several times a week and exchange emails multiple times per day.
Over the course of the last six months or so, our friendship has evolved a bit. Our conversations have been less about the day-to-day BS that everyone has to deal with and more about our long term goals and wishes, love, marriage, children, sex, etc... relatively intimate stuff.
About a month ago, in rather spur-of-the-moment fashion, Nina called me up and asked if I'd like to go on vacation to Sonoma County with her. I jumped at the opportunity, as I figured that this was her way of saying that she might be interested in taking the next step.
I make really good money wherea Nina tends to be strapped for cash. She was agonizing over shelling out $60 a night for a crappy two star hotel so I finally just told her that I'd pay for the hotel and booked a couple of rooms at a high-end bed and breakfast. I didn't want to be too presumptuous, so I booked two rooms instead of one. I also went ahead and booked some events (wine tours) using my credit card and, truth be told, I probably won't ask her to refund me for her portion.
Our trip is still about ten days away, and things were going fine until about a week or so ago. Nina still calls/emails just about every day, but she continues to say things like "I can't wait for our trip... I'm going to hook up with so many hot guys" or "I can't wait to find my future husband out in Wine Country."
Frankly, its driving me nuts. I consider myself to have a fairly high social intelligence, and I seriously doubt that I've just been misreading signals these past few months. But even if Nina has had a change of heart, I could deal with going on vacation with her and staying in the "friend zone," but I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for her to go on vacation so that she can "hook up" with other guys right in front of me, with me playing the role of "sidekick."
At this point, I'm faced with a few options. I could still go on the vacation with her and just "suck it up" no matter what happens. And if things go badly, I will probably just terminate the friendship afterwards and chalked it up to a lesson learned. Alternatively, I could just cancel the vacation altogether. I know that Nina is looking forward to it, but I don't want to be in a position where I'm miserable for the entire week. If I canceled the vacation, I would send her a check for the non-refundable airfare that she purchased, so she wouldn't be losing any money on the deal.
Any advice, ladies and gents? I've been burned by women so many times, and I was really beginning to think that Nina might be the exception. But even though I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, I can't help but feel as though she's taking advantage of me to score a free vacation so she can hook-up with other guys. Its really frustrating.

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Unfortunately, you were a bit presumptuous to assume that her asking you on this trip was "her way of saying that she might be interested in taking the next step."
Haven't read all of the replies but...
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B-I-N-G-O! THERE YOU GO!
I think the fact that she's talking about hooking up with other men is a clear indication that despite her intimate dialogue with you she obviously doesn't look at you in that manner and maybe she was manipulative in trying to get you to pay for a better hotel.
If you don't feel comfortable going I say back out of the trip, tell her your boss just put a high priority assignment in your lap and unfortunately it overlaps with the trip and you won't be able to go. But to have fun on the trip herself.
But if it were me, I'd just go, I would go do my own thing, don't spend the entire time joined at the hip with her and heck hook up with someone, maybe you'll meet someone who will appreciate how nice you are.
Smile,
Deirdre
I kind of agree with CountryGrl on this one
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