Successful women

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Successful women
11
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 4:11pm

Shy's question about intelligence makes me wonder about career-oriented & successful women. Do you think being successful works against us?


I'm finding that not many men are "supportive" of my recent achievements. If fact, I have been "dumped" recently b/c of it (two dates, nothing major)...And yesterday one of my guy friends was like "you working tomm? oh yeah! thats right, you are ALWAYS working..." in a really negative, sarcastic way that I didn't like.


You can't please men! Before I didn't make enough $ for them...now that I am making decent $, I am working too much or too hard! I feel like there is no winning here...


Course I may not have to worry about it b/c I have no time for dating. I just cancelled tomm night with someone b/c I have to work...and he's like, "call me later and we can meet for coffee tonight!"...and then said he had to go quickly...but I have class tonight...maybe I should miss class...I dunno...I'm sure he'll lose interest if I call him later & tell him I can't meet him tonight either...sigh. stress.


Go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 4:47pm
if your working so much that you barely have time to see someone on a regular basis, then yeah, it can work against you. (it works for both genders, btw)

however, working a lot doesn't define success...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 4:51pm
Sometimes I think that, if you’re a woman, you just can’t win. When we’re younger, either we’re in school and being educated for a career—or we’re married, raising a family and supporting, $$ly and otherwise, a husband in his endeavors.

Then when we’re older, either we find ourselves divorced b/c the husband has “outgrown” us and moved on to his next wife. Or we’re entrenched in a career after years of hard work, and we find ourselves alone b/c either there aren’t enough men in our strata, or b/c the guys out there are either too insecure or too envious to deal w/us—or they just plain want a younger woman that they can manipulate more easily and who can “feed” his ego better than a woman of his peer (and one who, coincidentally, knows better).

That’s why I feel that, if you have the talent, the drive and just plain guts, you should follow your own rainbow, whatever it is. Since marriage is a 50/50 proposition anyway, and the odds are evenly stacked, you may as well position yourself to be able to support yourself and thereby maintain control of your own life. If you’ve already got a job/career to sustain you, the loss of a lover or husband, though painful, still isn’t life-destroying.

I know that, during my recent divorce, I was grateful for my career; not only did the work itself sustain me (not to mention the $$), but that same job also gave me back my moorings and helped me remember that, hey, not only am I NOT “nothing w/out a man”—but it’s THAT man’s loss b/c I was the “catch,” not he. I had more and better “toys,” if you will—-and there’s not a day that goes by that I know he doesn’t miss it.

So, should you downplay your job, achievements, intelligence, ability—-just to please a man? Not only no—but HELL no! If he’s that threatened by you, then why do you want a man like that anyway? Aren’t you better off in the pleasure of your own company instead? And if you’ve still not cultivated your companionship, and don’t know yet the joy and wonder of self-discovery—-perhaps that’s one more thing to put on your to-do list.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 6:42pm
I just try to not make a big deal of it and most of the men I date are successful too so they understand my time constraints - I don't talk too much about how much I work early on - or even about work that much unless it is with another lawyer - then maybe a little more. I probably would not be compatible with a true 9 to 5-er so the issue of timing rarely comes up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 11:42am
I’d like to know why we aren’t discussing OUR successes?

Go reported that she was going to be on a national talk show for her job, besides the fact that her job has taken off like a rocket. Sheri recently mentioned her excitement about the prospect of buying her own home. Myself, my own career has grown exponentially since the divorce; my writing has branched into areas that I’ve never explored before, and the results and feedback have surprised ME.

WHY aren’t we talking about these things?

Instead, we’re still talking about men and their random atrocities, or our hopes that we might happen onto Mr Right—instead of playing up our own achievements and appreciating them to the fullest. I think this shows, more than anything else, that we still have a long way to go toward individual growth—and that perhaps we’re still “waiting to exhale.”

I’d LIKE to know how Go made out on that talk show—I thought that was FABULOUS!—or how her career is exploding. I wish Sheri would tell us more about her home search—and that really is worth discussing. Check bankrate.com and see it: 29% of all homes purchased this year were bought by women—and w/interest rates at the lowest level in 40 YEARS, it’s foolish NOT to buy. (I got my mortgage at 5 ½% interest—the ONLY good thing that came out of waiting for the divorce!) Any woman who wants her own home, but is waiting for The One to buy it w/her, is a FOOL for not buying right now.

You have to remember that opportunity waits for no one. Even if you found Mr Wonderful 5, 10 years from now, the market for homebuying may not be as favorable as it is today—and even Mr Wonderful may not be “in position” to buy a home w/you b/c the opportunity is gone. You’ve got to move w/the moment, b/c the moment waits for no one. And it really wouldn't hurt any women to become interested in real estate, retirement or other things related to $$, including her career. Any achievements gained there will last a lifetime--and certainly longer than most of these schlubs we care about today. The Beatles may have sung that "money can't buy you love," but on a rainy day it's nice to order in a limo.

Besides, it wouldn’t hurt any single woman’s social stock to have a few “things” of her own. Men are just as impressionable as we are, and once he sees how you’re able to have your own “things” w/out waiting like Sleeping Beauty for the Prince to give them to you—don’t think that fact won’t attract a man of your equal caliber. B/c that IS what we’re looking for, isn’t it: men who are our equals.

I’ve yet to read on this board about how this or that man was such a success in his own right that that’s what made him so desirable. They aren’t the only ones who have a

cachet—and as women, we had to work a lot harder than they did for our accolades. So if anything, we have greater “bragging rights,” and what’s wrong w/that? That only underscores one sad fact about women, even terrific, accomplished women like ourselves: we don’t know our own worth—and this and other boards proves it.

Remember, ladies, that WE are the “catches,” not THEY! And if they can’t handle it, it’s their loss and our gain that we dissociate ourselves from someone who’s too immature to handle a truly great woman.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 12:21pm
I think it’s also noteworthy to add that career or work success is usually proportionate to men/r’ship disappointment. Usually, the more the r’ship disappoints, the greater becomes your work success.

I think that correlation is no accident—and I think it proves once again that we do ourselves no favor by downplaying our own individual greatness. We never know our limits til we push them. By becoming truly evolved and accomplished PEOPLE in our own right, we develop our lives such that we become more selective and discriminating in our choice of companionship—and as a result, we hurt less B/C we’re so picky.

Cultivating and celebrating our own achievements are what will make us so self-confident and therefore more attractive that we DO find a partner equal to our own stature. There’s something about “doing your own thing” that creates a kind of “gold dust” about you���and people sense it and respond to it, including men.

And if we don’t find that partner, that selfsame accomplishment is what will keep us warm during our declining years. We needn’t fear that we don’t have anyone to “take care” of us—b/c we’re doing just fine by ourselves and the company we’ve chosen to keep, be it family, friends or other loved ones.

Ladies, I think it’s time we started to look at The Bigger Picture, which goes so far beyond jobs, careers, love, etc. I think it’s about thinking and doing things that are bigger than OURSELVES and devoting our time and attention to it. Start thinking in terms of the legacy that you want to leave behind someday. That should create a whole other facet to your life that you’ve never considered or explored before—and thereby create an even more fascinating woman unto herself.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 6:28pm

Thanks for the great thoughts...I would say tho, that low interest is NOT the time to buy. Here is why...the PRINCIPAL will not change over the life of your mortgage. Interest rates will fluctuate over the 20 yrs...so even if its low when you purchase, there is no guarantee it will stay low for renewals. When interest rates are low, most ppl are buying so its a sellers market (ie: higher prices, higher principal). But when interest rates are high, its a buyers market and then you can negotiate a lower principal (a mere 10K can turn into 200K over 20 yrs). I don't want to sound cold...but you can capitalize on folks who bought at a low interest rate and didn't think about how they will make their payments at a higher rate. For example, I bought when interest rates were higher (which guarantees I can afford the mortgage)...and last week, the place above me went for 90K more than I paid! I had a variable interest

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 7:19am
Here, here!

I have been lurking on this board with hopes

that the conversation would turn to "The Single

Life", not "The Searching Life."

I understand that we want to talk about dating

too but it's nice to hear about everyone and what

they are doing on their own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 10:44am
Go, I don't follow you: how "can (folks be capitalized on) who bought at a low interest rate and didn't think about how they will make their payments at a higher rate"?

Are you assuming that the low interest rate meant a variable-interest mortgage? Mine wasn't--and besides which, I'm making additional principal payments, so I expect to pay mine off in 15-17 yrs, and as a result I'm reducing my interest paid anyway. I'm not looking to sell mine; it IS my primary residence, and the next time I leave, it'll be in a box. Still, I don't see the correlation...

I think we're getting away from the main point, though. The point is, if a woman wants a home, she should look for one FOR HERSELF and not delude herself into thinking she'll wait til she finds The One before she does so. All the information she needs is online or at the library; that's how RE agents make their living. If a woman wants to own her own business, why not look RIGHT NOW--and ditto for the information she needs to have.

The point to all of this is, times have never been better for women to have things OF THEIR OWN. Personally I think the business of Finding Mr Right is just that, business--and nothing more than Big Business and Advertisers' way of making a $$ out of us: she's got everything but a man, so let's make her feel inadequate about THAT. Let's face it, ladies: we're educated, have good jobs and better disposable $$; there's gotta be SOME way of making us feel "a day late and a dollar short." Talk to "Rosie the Riveter" and all her fellow co-workers about that...

I don't know about all of you, but BB&A can feel inadequate about THIS!

Ash

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 12:30pm
I think that if you look at what a lot of the regulars post here, you'll see that we do update everyone on our successes. We don't just talk about dating issues. People new to the board may be searching for a place to post a dating issue, but those that stick around a while also seem to start sharing other aspects of their lives.

I think you're generalizing about the topics of the board a bit too much. I've posted about when I bought my house and got a new job and had questions about dealing with problems with friends, and yes, also dating issues. I've noticed a similar variety in topics from a few other people. This isn't the first time you've brought up this issue, so I'm wondering why you're still overlooking the non-dating related topics that are frequently posted here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 1:48pm
Well, as post #8 on this thread seems to say, I don't think I'm the only one who has felt that this board can occasionally feel like "The SEARCHING Life."

And since she's a lurker, and only made her appearance as a result of my post--just b/c they don't always post, doesn't mean they aren't there, or that they don't feel that way...

I'm not being argumentative, don't misunderstand--but again, I think post #8 bears me out on this one.

Ash

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