This sucks

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
This sucks
48
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:13pm

I am completely and totally FED UP with flakey people...MEN in particular.


How is a woman supposed to find a guy to love and love her when she can't even get a guy to follow through on plans or better yet, even make a freakin' phone call?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 2:14pm

Mark,

I do understand thar our formative years with the family have a lot to do with who we are as adults. But people can grow and change a lot in the intervening years. I hope that you take into account a woman's current relationship with her family and her attitude about her past as well as the past itself. Otherwise you might be missing out on some really neat women who have had the opportunity to grow as a result of life's trials.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:20pm

Oh fer sure Jules! I do realize that we all have the opportunity to change and grow. I especially am attracted to women who have done that. I love women who are self aware and have examined how to transform their past traumas and other aspects of their lives that are not healthy.

My point is that I see who the person now but also am aware of how our family history has shaped us.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:58pm
I have to agree with you comletely Sheri on this. I think you and I share the same viewpoints on a lot of different things. I try not to see everything in black and white. Life is not black and white and people who have certain personality traits will not change for what "seemingly" seems to be the right person for them until they really see that their behavior has affected them and their ability to maintain relationships and losing people they care about and want to change for themselves. No one person that they think to be "THE ONE" has that much power over them. Who goes to say, maybe this guy wasn't into the OP, but I dont' think you can determine whether you are really into someone from one meeting or phone conversation. Maybe he's just not at a place in his life where he really wants to make dating a priority so he just ends up flaking period on any woman regardless of whether he is attracted to her or not. My point being is you CANNOT make assumptions about why he did this or why any man does this for sure. But you CAN chose to walk away from a person like this, but the point being is that reasons can't be determined because you can't read minds but you can control how you react to a situation and what you will tolerate
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 4:24pm
I do agree with your statement auntjules especially because I'm one of those women who has transformed my life. If any man I was dating casually who didn't know me that well were to ask me what went on in my childhood and not take other things into consideration then he would probably run like mad becuase I had a VERY difficult childhood. We can't control who are parents were and what they did to us the the past but we can control who we are now and how we respond to that and look at things. It takes more work for people like us but it's possible to reform I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:14pm

I'm SO LATE chiming in (and haven't read the whole thread), but I wanted to tell you that I empathize. It does suck!

Just when we think we have found someone great, we go through all the same old crap all over again. We get our hopes up, and then we get stomped on. When will it be our turn to find a great guy who really likes us, falls for us, follows through and doesn't bolt?

I'm in a similar boat - my recent fling (as I'm now forced to call it, I thought it would be a lot more than a fling) recently left my apartment at 1 a.m. (he had planned to spend the night), saying he wasn't tired and just wanted to go home rather than go to sleep with me. He called the next day to say he just realized "there wasn't a spark."

Situations like yours and mine make me really weary of the whole dating scene.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 7:54pm

I wasn't angry, just frustrated.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:04pm

Thank you, TG.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: cl_shywon
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:30am

Honestly, any man who asks me deeply personal questions on a first date is not likely to get a second date. I just don't believe in putting it all out there right away. That being said, I think that it's possible to ask less invasive questions (like how many siblings one has) and get a read on your date's relationship with their family simply by their reaction. Those deeper questions are for later on. I believe in taking time to get to know someone well. It's part of the joys of relationships - with friends as well as lovers. Discovering things about one another as you grow closer.

I think that it's possible to spot someone with real emotional problems without delving deep into their past. I've had pretty good luck with it. But that's just me.

I had a not-so-happy childhood involving infidelity and divorce and alcoholism and being hit by a car when I was 17. When I am close to someone, I have no problem talking freely and honestly about what it was like for me. All of these things contributed to who I am today and I am thankful that I am this person. When I was younger, I did not want to talk about those things because I thought that they were ugly and people would look at my hurts, see how ugly they were, and run away from me. I no longer feel that way. But I do feel like all of the things that contribute to who I am (the good and the bad) are precious and the people in my life have to earn access to them.

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