Swallowing my pride

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Swallowing my pride
56
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 8:49pm

I swore I'd never put a profile (err...excuse me, "portrait") back up on match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 4:59pm

Okay, I have to disagree here. I take issue to the idea that there is something wrong with you to have to post online.

I am considered an attractive (many have said I am beautiful) woman and I have trouble meeting men. You know why? Because I am not a partier, I am not a bar goer and my lifestyle just doesn't allow me to bump into a lot of single men. I am also more introverted than most...and that does hamper things a bit.

There are many people whose lifestyles just don't allow them to meet many singles. I do a lot, I take dance, I go hiking and cultural events, I even organize parties...but I hardly meet any single men.

I am online now not because I am a misfit, but because I want to meet more men who have my similar interests (I am on an interest specific website). I've had many love relationships in my life that were real. There is nothing wrong with me except that I don't get to meet enough men.

I think we should watch the judgemental non-understanding attitude sometimes. I sometimes detect so much self-hatred of singles (they loathe that they are single and cannot love themselves because of it) and that self-hatred comes out in their hating/despising others who are single. It's too bad our culture does this to people, we really would do well to let go of this attitude.

Soliel
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:04pm

I thought the post applied to MEN online, although who knows, maybe I misread it. If I read it correctly, however, I tend to agree to a certain degree because I think that desirable, healthy single men have a LOT more options open to them than the same type of women. It's simple supply and demand.

Not that there aren't great guys online--I just think they are way fewer and farther between than great women online.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:15pm

In answer to the original question:

I've been online for maybe three weeks now? This is my second round of online dating, the last one being about 5 years ago.

Yes, I did get a lot of emails at first but not an avalange. I am guessing that is because I am on an interest specific site and it is much, much smaller demographic than Match or the other biggies.

Now the emails have become a trickle...and I am OK with that.

I have not "reached out" yet, mostly because I was just busy with the ones reaching out to me. When I do write back, they usually write back to me if it's positive.

I have a different view of OLD but maybe it will change. I feel it's a blessing for me, because I am more introverted than most and not a night life person (although I DO go out at night, I rarely meet single men I could date). Each time I have gone online I have met men I would have most probably not met in real life...I am talking professional, who have a good income, really smart, etc. I am grateful for that. My last bf was from Online and he is a great guy with a lot to offer. Suma Cum Laude, sharp as a whip, can build houses, great companion...amazing person that I probably would not have met if it weren't for online dating. I am on a lifestyle specific website which allows me to meet men who I have this in common with and that is great. I am learning a lot as I talk to each one I learn what I want/need and not.

Now I may end up being negative about it all, who knows. I do still have a lot of hope. However, we cannot push love. Rather it has to float onto us like a butterfly. One thing for sure, I've met two women online (some women were writing me to say "hi" and I loved that) and I really love making new potential friends. One is inviting us over soon and we have this connection already...our similar interest. So it's been cool to me.

I think a really important thing to do online is always be as kind as possible. One guy I said to him "You seem really nice, I just don't feel you are my type". He said "That was the nicest rejection I have ever gotten, THANK YOU". Just like that, with bold caps. I think if the whole experience was more kind, then it would feel less like hurtful and less like shopping.

Oh, one thing I don't care for too much is being hit on by so many older men. Now I don't mind older men, when I am older. I just turned 40 and I get emails from men 55, 60 on and on. I must admit THAT bugs me and I don't want to be kind to them! Because I can just tell, it's about physical attraction to them more than anything else. Further, they are often not cute themselves but think they are cute. ERrrrrrrr. Having said that, I have gotten emails from nice men who dont' have that kind of ego who seem like they would be a catch.




Edited 9/8/2007 5:20 pm ET by lv2breathe
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:18pm
I wasn't trying to say there is something wrong with you if you have to post online, I've been doing it for years. What I was getting at was how many people use online dating as a last resort when meeting in person hasn't panned out and lots of people never have to venture into the online realm. They get picked up quickly. It doesn't make them necessarily better than us but yeah, I still believe some of the good ones go fast before they need to go online.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:21pm
I wasn't saying there aren't any good guys left. I'm sure there are lots. I'm saying mnay of these good guys won't be that typically attractive so they get passed up on a lot. And of course, physicaly attraction is subjective so that will vary from person to person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:24pm

Yeah, I was actually thinking of men when I responded to that thread. I have not known any really great guys that needed to go online to date and they got taken very early and don't stay single very long.

For women I think it is very different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:24pm

I think you do believe something is wrong with them. You think if they have been unable to meet someone in person, going online is a "last resort" because there must be something wrong with them.

That's OK. Just apply the same measuring stick towards yourself! Then it's fair.

Oh, my friend is negative on guys online. I am like "But Jen, you are still single, do you say the same (insert negative assumption here) about yourself"? She said "Yes, I DO think something is wrong with me!" I said, "Well, Okay, then"

Again, I sense so much self loathing of single people...they don't even realize they have it.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:37pm

I don't think that in general there must be something wrong with every person who is online dating, I just think the really good men are gone quick and never really have to go there. But that doesn't have to mean that all the men left online are trash either.

However, I'm pretty sure all of us here have been searching online and felt like it was scraping the bottom of the bucket. And that can apply to all of us. So it can be subjective depending on your experience and whose available online at the time. And what you like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 5:42pm

I can honestly see why online dating is so painful now...it can be brutal!

With people rejecting you outright without respect, thinking you are a loser for being single at a certain age...or whatever! It's not the medium that is painful...it's the people!

I have a story to tell that will hopefully make you think twice before you make assumptions about online daters.

I had a conversation with "N", the first online guy I had met for tea. He was 47, professional, articulate, smart as whip and attractive enough. We got onto the subject why him and I ("two attractive people" in his words) are still single. He is 47, I am 40.

He explains it so beautifully...He says that's a good question, one that he should be prepared to answer. I assured him I wasn't being judgemental (and I wasn't) the subject just came up casually for us. So he says "Well, you know...there have been women I had to have, and they didn't want me. Then there were women who had to have me, yet I didn't feel the same for them. Then, and I fully take responsibility for this...but I stayed with the wrong women because we had bonded and it was so hard to break up. Or sometimes I went back to them out of loneliness. I now know not to bond with the wrong woman".

I really appreciated his response. I said to him, "You know what, I totally relate to everything you just said. You said it perfectly".

He later said "I have a great life but no one to share it with. I now see it's better to find someone early on in life and then focus on your career".

I was impressed with what he said. It was totally honest.

Then my chance came up. I said "Well, like you I also stayed with the wrong person and wasted time...but also, too many times I did not "bite". Either I was too young, didn't appreciate what I had, or whatever...I have not yet said "yes" to being married". Totally honest answer.

Anyway, even though I won't see him again (I just didn't feel any sparks) I came out of that meeting with feeling more understanding and compassion for the both of us. Looking back, I can see that meeting as being a positive online experience.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:25pm

>> I just didn't feel any sparks<<

That innocent little sentence at the bottom of your post summarizes why a good majority of older (never married) singles are still single. No sparks. I guess some will wait for the sparks till life passes them by.




Edited 9/8/2007 9:41 pm ET by capegirardeau