Taking things slow... how?

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Registered: 02-20-2004
Taking things slow... how?
5
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:00pm

I met a guy C. about a month ago online and things started out kinda fast, mostly his doing. We talked almost every day saw eachother 3-4 times a week. I met his friends and family and he seemed like he couldn't get enough of me. Then about a week ago without me even asking him he told me that he was dating other girls. I hadn't planned on asking him and I sorta assumed he was anyway but actually hearing for sure that he was has sorta thrown me into a tailspin. He talked to me for a long time about it and basically told me that it isn't that he wants to stop seeing me, it's just that he wants to get to know me better and take things slow. He said that he has rushed into relationships in the past and it has alway backfired so he is doing things differently this time. He said that the 2 girls he was seeing were 2 people he had started talking to before he met me on E-harmony and that he felt like he should meet them since he had already commited to that. He told me that he likes me very much and sees potential but just doesn't make up his mind that fast. He said he likes where we are at but hopes that things will keep developing. We have not had sex, mostly because of him as much as I hate to admit that. I really struggled with all of this last week and I think I'm sorta to a point of where I can accept that he isn't ready to get exclusive just yet. The problem I'm having now is ever since our talk last week we have had 3 dates, but he keeps cutting the dates sorta short. Not too short but it's different than before. He used to call me at 10:30 at night and ask me to come over or not want to leave or me to leave when we were together. But now he is leaving at 10pm because he is tired or telling me he has things he needs to do. I know I'm probably reading too much into all of this but it's making me feel insecure again. It's most likely because of what he said about slowing things down and moving slower to get to know me but I keep thinking maybe something else is wrong and I keep worring that it's because of the other girls even though he is still hanging out with me most of the week and his actions tell me that he is still interested for the most part. I'm afraid to ask him why he keeps cutting it short for fear of putting preassure on him or seeiming too clingy.

So my question is, how do I get to the point of being ok with taking things slow. Every relationship I've ever had has started out hot and heavy and stayed that way. I have never really taken things slow with anyone so this is all foreign to me. It's freaking me out and making me frustrated. What are some tips on how to go slower and be ok with it. I am seriously considering getting back out there and dating other people. I was dating others anyway up until 2 weeks ago but stopped because I wanted to focus more on him. But now I'm thinking I probably should start again. It just feels wierd because I feel so strongly about C. I really don't have much desire to be with anyone else. KWIM?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:12pm

Try reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter or "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray. The first one is about people with commitment issues and you'll see in the book that going fast is actually a red flag and can often mean that the person has issues. If commitmnent issues haven't been an issue for you, then you won't need to read the whole book, just the chapter on dating red flags to watch out for--get it from the library or read that chapter in a book store.

I'm not a huge John Gray fan but his discussion of the stages of dating and why they are important to building a healthy relationship is very helpful.

I think if you get a good grounding as to WHY it's better to go slow, you'll have an easier time doing it.

As for the insecurity part of it--in my experience the only thing that works to address those issues is lots of hard work with a good therapist.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:00pm

Thanks Sheri,

So are you saying that my feeling that I need to rush into a relationship could be a fear of commitment thing? I'm not really sure, because what I ultimately want is a commitment. I really want a solid relationship with someone I can eventually spend my life with. I have had several long term relationships most around 1-2 years. While all of those relationships ended it was usually the guy I was seeing that didn't want to continue further or commit I almost always wanted to take the relationship to the next level.

I read Dr. Phil Love Smart, and I know that taking things slowly is a good thing. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to do that because my urges are to get serious, and move things along keep getting in the way. I'm just too impatient and it's something I'm working on. So maybe I will go read those books.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:14pm

Kind of but not exactly. If you're attracted to men who do tend to come on strong at first but never take things to the next level, then you may have passive commitment issues (meaning you say you want a commitment but if you're constantly attracted to men who aren't capable of commitment, then maybe that means you're really ambivalent about commitment).

Also, it seems like you seem to think that you need to be swept off your feet and that the guy going slowly is a bad thing--but moving fast is what guys with commitment issues do, not guys who are capable of healthy relationships.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:25pm

I think you should continue to date others, mostly because going backwards is never a good thing.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:39am

I think you have made a wise decision in not sleeping with him, first of all. Secondly, I think you should take stock of how this guy makes you feel. I think, if he is making you feel second best now, how is he going to make you feel if the relationship progresses? Think about it.

He sounds like someone who does not know what he wants. While that may not make him a bad guy, you know what you want, and you want him. If he isn't wise enough to cherish that idea, then, I would move on.

Just me.