Talking to My Psychologist

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Talking to My Psychologist
5
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:30pm

Over the last several weeks, my psychologist and I have been going through my family background. If you guys remember, I was recounting all the stupid things that my parents did to me. Yes, I resent them and I am starting to understand why: They are not the strong person that I want to become. My father is afraid of the world and, I suspect, because of that, he has given up on his life and is putting all his energy on me and my siblings. I told my psychologist that he has no vitality, like when he sits at home all day watching television. However, he is very enthusiastic about doing things for me and my siblings. A few days ago, I was horrified to see that he put noodles on my plate before I sat down at the dinner table. Was he doing that out of love? That is NOT the kind of love that I want. If he actually has a life, I doubt that he will treat us like that. On the other hand, I am still trying to figure out my mother. My grandmother has treated her like crap for years, and that may really shatter her confidence. Sometimes I wonder if she married my father so that she does not have to face the world.

Right now I am living at home because of financial reasons and I cannot stand it. Last night, they were trying to lend me money and I adamantly refused it. I have been living under their insecurities for twenty-five years and now as I am breaking away, they are trying to contain me. While harsh, it is true that I have no respects for them. I wanted to yell at them and tell them to puruse their own lives and leave me alone. I held back but I really believe that if they can do it, I will have so much more respects for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:44pm

I was under the impression that most parents live their lives vicariously through their children. People give up their lives to give a life to someone else. If they HAD a life, you wouldn't be here. So, I dunno - I think that's quite common.

And this: >A few days ago, I was horrified to see that he put noodles on my plate before I sat down at the dinner table. Was he doing that out of love? That is NOT the kind of love that I want.<

Yes, noodles make me angry too. There's a lot of hatred at the bottom of a plate of noodles. (rolling my eyes)

>Sometimes I wonder if she married my father so that she does not have to face the world.<

Once again, isn't this quite common? I mean, is it a rarity that women marry a man JUST so she can be married? It happens all the time. I'm not saying it's RIGHT - but it's hardly unheard of.

I guess I don't really get why you're so angry. Your parents sound pretty normal. What is it REALLY that you're so angry about? And what exactly are YOU doing to become the strong person you wish your parents were? You know - other than complaining about them?




Edited 3/24/2007 12:05 am ET by emdeesea
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 3:36am

Listen, your parents may not be perfect but maybe you should cut them some slack. You are imposing on them by living in their house and then you go and insult them. That's not very nice. They are doing you a favor by allowing you to live with them so you can get your finances taken care of. Not may parents would be as understanding. I'm not judging you I'm just saying that they are doing you this HUGE favor so try not to take it for granted. Family relations can be hard and talking with your psychologist sounds like a good step in helping you being a stronger person.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:59am

It sounds to me like the underlying issue is the same one I had with my mom.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:27am

It sounds like you are wanting to be independent and feeling stifled because of what your father does for you. It also sounds that you are angry because you’re a needing automony.

I can relate to your frustration on what your father does. I grew up with parents who devoted their lives to us. I delayed having children of my own because I did not think I could do the same. I know that the way how my parents showed their love was doing things for me. I felt it hard to feel independent and self sufficient because of that. I felt guilty for them paying for both my undergraduate and graduate schools. Now that I have children (13 and 17) I hear them objecting to what I do for them. They tell me that they can do it themselves.

One thing I have learned is that we all try the best we can in this world and that our behavior is driven by satisfying a need within ourselves. I think it is admirable that you are seeing a psychologist in exploring your family background so you can understand them better and in turn, to have more compassion for them. Perhaps once you understand the “whys” of your parents you will be able to give them grace for their insecurities. Your insight with your mother is a good start toward that.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 3:31am
It really seems like you may be angry about more then your parents. From what you said it seems like they were just being typical parents and trying to be caring for their child. I remember having feelings like what you described, I had them when I was a teenager. I havent lived with my parents since high school but i do know some people who have moved back in with their parents during college or right after college and they get aggravated with their parents the same you seem to be so it's perfectly normal but I wonder if theirs something more bothering you and maybe your parents are just adding to it.