is there anyway I can find out
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is there anyway I can find out
| Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:06am |
how guys (in general) see me? I want to know why I don't get the attention other girls get, and I haven't been able to figure it out on my own, I only have speculations and guesses, but I doubt them all the time. I don't have any really close guy friends now, just some buddies from school I hang out with, but even so, I don't think they would tell me the truth if I asked, right? I just don't know what to do, I haven't had a date since last september, and though I don't really need a big relationship or anything right now, but when I start to feel like I have no hope of dating, I get really depressed. I've just been noticing a lot lately that I don't cause the interest and attention in men that I see other girls cause, even when I think they are physically and mentally less interesting than I am. Plus, I'm having no luck with my usual offensive methods (match.com, etc) so I think I'll have to start hoping for guys to come to me, so I have to know what makes them attracted to a girl/not attracted to me. I just really want some answers so I can make improvements.

Well, I have a feeling that you really aren't susbstantially less attractive than the average girl.
As a teenager and into my early twenties, I absolutely hated the way I looked, and decided I was simply unattractive. And I confirmed this by noting that men really didn't look my way, or if they did, it was an illusion. I also noted that I was never asked on dates, and this confirmed that I exuded unattractiveness. And then, when I was asked on dates, I was sure that it was a mistake, and I confirmed this by noting that no man actually wanted a real relationship with me.
But here's the thing - I was making that all up! I now know and feel that men are attracted to me in abundance. Men look at me and want to date me and have relationships with me. And guess what? - I hardly look different than I did as a teen.
I probably wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that guys really did find me attractive in the time period I described. I *know* I wouldn't have, because people did tell me that, and I didn't believe them. So maybe you won't really believe me, but I'm telling you, it's true. Even when men aren't assaulting you from all angles, you've got it, and someone will find you when you're ready to let it happen.
I remember a guy saying to me that he notices confidence in a woman more than anything. And I do think it's true that the more you're comfortable with yourself, and the more you're *not* trying to rearrange yourself to be what you think a man wants, the more attractive you'll be. We all have dry spells - even very long ones - but that doesn't mean you need 'improving.' I think it means you need to give yourself some love!
This is coming from a guy, so I hope you don't mind. You never really how many guys like you. We all are not dogs. Are you wanting guys to just hit on you or are you looking for something serious?
To truly know if a guy likes you, it takes sometime for him to see what kind of person you are, what your heart is like. Lust and love are different, show a guy there's more depth to you than just looks. To me there's nothing more attractive than a lady who is sweet, caring, and honest.
"To me there's nothing more attractive than a lady who is sweet, caring, and honest."
Okay, so here is another angle.. What if you are confident and attractive, how come when the guys find out you are sweet,caring and honest they want nothing to do with you. I've had this happen and it does not make any sense to me.
Well, I have the same problem...sort of.
I really do think this is kind of a mind over matter thing. Yeah, some girls seem inexplicably to be magnets, and most of us are not those girls, but so what?
Buggie, I think you are really holding yourself back. You say in your post that a guy may like you, but "only a little, never a lot." How do you know? That is completely an assumption on your part, and I don't care what you say - you don't know that for sure. But what I do know for sure is that with your attitude, you won't be able to find that out.
It sounds to me like you have created a self-fulfilling prophecy - you have decided that you are simply not good enough for any guy to really like you, and unconsciously, you go around making sure you prove yourself right by never letting a guy really like you.
Dating is sort of like a job interview. If you went into an interview absolutely sure you were unqualified for the job, don't you think the employer will respond to that? There's a pretty huge chance you won't get that job, even if your resume says you're qualified.
I know dating is scary, and as scary as not being good enough is, it's sometimes scarier to know a man actually does like you and wants to be with you. That puts you in a very vulnerable place, where you have to open up and show yourself to someone else. It's not always easy, but sometimes it's really worth it.
I think you already have the resume, and now you need back it up. If you want a relationship, put your fear away and move forward. I really don't think you need to change you, just your attitude.