is there anyway I can find out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
is there anyway I can find out
9
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:06am
how guys (in general) see me? I want to know why I don't get the attention other girls get, and I haven't been able to figure it out on my own, I only have speculations and guesses, but I doubt them all the time. I don't have any really close guy friends now, just some buddies from school I hang out with, but even so, I don't think they would tell me the truth if I asked, right? I just don't know what to do, I haven't had a date since last september, and though I don't really need a big relationship or anything right now, but when I start to feel like I have no hope of dating, I get really depressed. I've just been noticing a lot lately that I don't cause the interest and attention in men that I see other girls cause, even when I think they are physically and mentally less interesting than I am. Plus, I'm having no luck with my usual offensive methods (match.com, etc) so I think I'll have to start hoping for guys to come to me, so I have to know what makes them attracted to a girl/not attracted to me. I just really want some answers so I can make improvements.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 12:29pm

Well, I have a feeling that you really aren't susbstantially less attractive than the average girl.

As a teenager and into my early twenties, I absolutely hated the way I looked, and decided I was simply unattractive. And I confirmed this by noting that men really didn't look my way, or if they did, it was an illusion. I also noted that I was never asked on dates, and this confirmed that I exuded unattractiveness. And then, when I was asked on dates, I was sure that it was a mistake, and I confirmed this by noting that no man actually wanted a real relationship with me.

But here's the thing - I was making that all up! I now know and feel that men are attracted to me in abundance. Men look at me and want to date me and have relationships with me. And guess what? - I hardly look different than I did as a teen.

I probably wouldn't have believed anyone who told me that guys really did find me attractive in the time period I described. I *know* I wouldn't have, because people did tell me that, and I didn't believe them. So maybe you won't really believe me, but I'm telling you, it's true. Even when men aren't assaulting you from all angles, you've got it, and someone will find you when you're ready to let it happen.

I remember a guy saying to me that he notices confidence in a woman more than anything. And I do think it's true that the more you're comfortable with yourself, and the more you're *not* trying to rearrange yourself to be what you think a man wants, the more attractive you'll be. We all have dry spells - even very long ones - but that doesn't mean you need 'improving.' I think it means you need to give yourself some love!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 9:17pm
thanks. the only difference though is that I'm no teen. I'm 28. In past few years, I've gotten a little more comfortable with my looks, but I'm starting to think I was wrong. as elaine on seinfeld put it, I don't think I can "put asses in the seats." sometimes i've met guys on match.com and gone on a few dates, and THEN, they might like me (a little, no one's ever liked me a lot). but I can't imagine anyone going out of their way to ask me out or anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 8:37am

This is coming from a guy, so I hope you don't mind. You never really how many guys like you. We all are not dogs. Are you wanting guys to just hit on you or are you looking for something serious?

To truly know if a guy likes you, it takes sometime for him to see what kind of person you are, what your heart is like. Lust and love are different, show a guy there's more depth to you than just looks. To me there's nothing more attractive than a lady who is sweet, caring, and honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:44am

"To me there's nothing more attractive than a lady who is sweet, caring, and honest."

Okay, so here is another angle.. What if you are confident and attractive, how come when the guys find out you are sweet,caring and honest they want nothing to do with you. I've had this happen and it does not make any sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:44am

Well, I have the same problem...sort of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:57am
You are right, it doesn't make sense. They obviously are not worth your time. But I find that hard to believe if one has those characteristics, that a guy wouldn't want anything to do with them. It sounds like those kind of guys are after only one thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:41pm

I really do think this is kind of a mind over matter thing. Yeah, some girls seem inexplicably to be magnets, and most of us are not those girls, but so what?

Buggie, I think you are really holding yourself back. You say in your post that a guy may like you, but "only a little, never a lot." How do you know? That is completely an assumption on your part, and I don't care what you say - you don't know that for sure. But what I do know for sure is that with your attitude, you won't be able to find that out.

It sounds to me like you have created a self-fulfilling prophecy - you have decided that you are simply not good enough for any guy to really like you, and unconsciously, you go around making sure you prove yourself right by never letting a guy really like you.

Dating is sort of like a job interview. If you went into an interview absolutely sure you were unqualified for the job, don't you think the employer will respond to that? There's a pretty huge chance you won't get that job, even if your resume says you're qualified.

I know dating is scary, and as scary as not being good enough is, it's sometimes scarier to know a man actually does like you and wants to be with you. That puts you in a very vulnerable place, where you have to open up and show yourself to someone else. It's not always easy, but sometimes it's really worth it.

I think you already have the resume, and now you need back it up. If you want a relationship, put your fear away and move forward. I really don't think you need to change you, just your attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 12:56pm
That is excellence advice. Wow, words of wisdom, good job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 1:38pm
I completely relate to your post and I have had a long dryspell recently myself. The last guy that was really interested in me and wanted to ask me out that was not from an online dating site was last October. I dont' sit at home, I do try to go out and have a good time and I'm always intersetd in attending new events and meeting new people but I have not once been asked out since last October at any event I've attended or even by anyone I know in the salsa scene. My friend gets asked to dance more often than me maybe becuase she's been in the scene more than me but she also has gotten asked out by a couple of the guys as well and I've never been not, not once asked out. I dont' understand either why this is. I think we both are attractive and I dont' think either one of us is more attractive than the other, it just so happens that she gets asked out a lot more often and asked to dance a lot more often by these guys. Maybe it's because I'm shy and more of an introvert than her and she can usually approach anyone and everyone and start a conversation. I think I'm a very sweet, kind genuine person who is very easy going and always up for adventure and I hope one of these days a man will really appreciate that in me but for now I do get down when I don't get asked out. One of the posters here offered great advice though, just try to change your attitude since you can't change the fact that you are going through a dryspell but you can love yourself more and change your attitude about it. I guess no matter what, try to have fun even if your friend is getting asked out more or if you are just hanging by yourself, maybe try to strike up a friendly conversation with a guy who you have your eye on and who knows what might happen. I'm trying to have a "so what, life goes on" kind of an attitude right now even though it's really tough. I know I am a catch and maybe one of these days a lucky man will realize this and not be too afraid to approach me and ask me out and if someone is not interested in me then they aren't for whatever reason but that doesn't change the fact that I know I have a lot to offer. It will happen in time and I'm sure once it does when it rains it pours I noticed.