Is there a plan to all this madness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Is there a plan to all this madness?
12
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 12:37pm

I don't know if I am going to be able to express what I am feeling right now accurately. But hopefully I do....

Lately, I have been over-whelmingly sensitive to everyone getting married and having babies. With the exception of two friends, (one does not want children and the other is four years younger) everyone of my friends are married and having babies. I know I feel sensitive about this because I am out of a relationship where we both wanted to get married and have kids. He would often rub my belly and tell me how beautiful and cute I would be pregnant. So I know a lot of my feelings stem from this failed relationship and the fact that I am 32 and getting older by the minute.

But I also feel cheated and slighted by God or life, what have you, because this is such a far grasp for me to have. I see my friends who sabotaged their love life and made so many mistakes over the years. Now, they have great husbands and are having babies.... And yes, their husbands are good guys who 100% love and adore them. And the feelings are 100% mutual.

I know that getting married and having babies does not make one a happy person or make their lives perfect. But you know what they do have? They have their best friend, their rock that supports them when it's needed. I don't have that... And no friend or family member can completely fill that void.

I often wonder why? Why do they have what I want? They're not better than me, so how come I cannot find this? Why do I have to wait?

Every shower that I go to, every time one of my friends sends baby pictures or feels the baby kick, I see their face light up and it just reminds me what I almost had. What I don't have and how far away from it I really am. I just want to cry....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 12:43pm

Can I ask you how long you and your ex-bf were together? Did you live together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 12:57pm

Well, I was a couple of months away from moving in with him. The plan was for me to move in with him when my lease was up in October. We adopted a dog together.... We were together eight months, but knew each other for two years before we dated. Those two years, he made it known he was interested in me, but I ignored him. Evetually to give him a chance.

We broke up because his behavior was erratic. One moment he was sweet, loving and very affectionate. The next minute he would be yelling at me for stupid things. After we broke up, I learned that he had addiction issues. He under played a gambling problem and when I did break up with him, it took over his life again. Which means he does not know how to deal with his emotions and how to work through them effectively. He is in counseling, but the relationship is over and we do not talk. There is way too many details, but that is the jist of it.

I am just so MAD because I feel cheated. I know my life is not over, I know I have time, but you know what? I thought I had it and that p*sses me off because I am not sure why I even had to go through this when everyone else is way past this stage. I thought I was, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 1:53pm

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It reminds me of my thread

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 7:36pm

"But you know what they do have? They have their best friend, their rock that supports them when it's needed. I don't have that... And no friend or family member can completely fill that void."

Yep, I know what you mean. That rock, that support, and also intimacy, I want badly! I keep trying to think positively that my guy will arrive soon :) He just has to be out there!! That's all I can really do besides put myself out there more. Honestly, I have done internet dating and I'm finished with that. I'm trying to meet people out and about around town or through other people.

Anyway, you're NOT alone! And I think there is a 'plan to all this madness'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:21pm

I know exactly how you feel. And this definitely does remind me of the post on how there is no justice in love.

There is no order to love. Some people get it, some people don't. And who finds love or doesn't find love has nothing to do with how good a person you are, or how deserving you are to get it. It is so confusing- you may have so much to offer, but you are still alone. There seems to be no logical reason for it. I think that's because it isn't logical. There is no structure, no action and consequence, it's just random chance and luck. Some people win the lotto, some people have the luck. I have to commend you for pointing out that just because you may want love does not mean that you are insecure or needy. You just want that companionship in your life. Some people do not understand that confidence does not mean that you automatically want to be single, or even enjoy being single for that matter. I enjoy some aspects of being single, but I've been single for so long that it's a real drag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:53pm

There is no order to love. Some people get it, some people don't. And who finds love or doesn't find love has nothing to do with how good a person you are, or how deserving you are to get it. It is so confusing- you may have so much to offer, but you are still alone. There seems to be no logical reason for it. I think that's because it isn't logical. There is no structure, no action and consequence, it's just random chance and luck. Some people win the lotto, some people have the luck.


I agree with this. I just don't think there is any real rhyme or reason to why some have and some don't. I guess it comes down to faith and almost spirituality, both of which I have none.


However, I do have to add, that so far, I think my luck is changing a bit and I'm glad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:59pm

You have mentioned twice that you think your luck is changing. Is this something you would like to tell us about?

Maybe some good news today will help me get out of my rut....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:19pm

Aww geez *blushing* I didn't know I mentioned it twice. Well, past experienced has taught me not to get too excited when I've met a new potential but I actually feel really confident saying that I've met someone and he seems way too good to be true so I'm afraid someone will pinch me, I'll wake up and this will be but a dream.


But yeah, we had an amazing first date just one week ago where he had two surprises for me based on our conversations (and reading my blog) and it was great. He's been emailing and texting me constantly and sees so much potential in me that he removed his profile from Match, cancelled dates and has pretty much shouted from the rooftops that he's met someone that could possibly be his "dream becoming a reality". We spent the day together on Monday and he seems every bit smitten. I'm just sooo not used to this that I'm still stunned.


So so far, so good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:41pm

One thing I learned since my fiance and i broke up is that people rarely get what they deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 4:37pm

"Everytime I say something about being fustrated and alone someone will say "why do you need a man to make you happy"...blah, blah, blah. I'm so sick of hearing that I almost scream. I don't NEED one why is it so wrong to WANT one to share in all this self imposed "happiness" with?"

In my experience, those who really do say things like that to other women, are usually in relationships they don't want to be in, never really had the chance to date around, or have been so burned by a man they really feel like they don't *need* a man. But those who are really compassionate understand that you might not need a man, but there is something so peaceful about knowing somebody cares for you and is also looking out for you. Does it mean the relationship will never has issues? No. Does it mean that your life will be perfect with a mate? No. Being with somebody else requires comprimise. It requires sacrificing so many things, but it's all worth it in the end.

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