Things didn't go that well

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Things didn't go that well
22
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 11:28pm

To try to make a really long story short, I went down to the place on the beach for a couple of days (invited by a guy R) and immediately found out that he is in a relationship with the woman I wondered about (M).  The ironic part is that in getting to know them better, I discovered that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship w/ him and that I really liked her.  She & I had some good time to talk & get to know each other.  The first day was supremely awkward for me.  The weather was bad so we couldn't go to the beach and it was in a very small town w/ not much to do.  Oh and I was under the impression that more people would be there all week but it was just the 3 of us--great!  I said "are we going out to dinner tonight?" but she had stuff to cook (stuff that I didn't really like--I mean it was not as bad as I feared but definitely not something I would pick to eat.)  Then the bed I had was the hardest most uncomfortable mattress--so much that I actually woke up in pain and said I just can't sleep here any more and went down to sleep on the living room sofa.  Today was much better--about 10 people came down for a party and they were all nice people & we were having fun eating & drinking.  So I guess live & learn.  I'm glad I never said anything flirty to him.  I actually said to M when we were talking that R never told me that they were a couple--she said she had found that to be a problem because another woman asked him out & he told her then that he was dating M and I said that's not really fair to the women either because it's embarrassing--he should introduce M as his GF.  She said she tries to head things off by doing that herself.  I guess privately he is very affectionate but he doesn't like any public gestures, even hand holding.  I'm not one for a lot of PDA but I would expect if I had a BF for 7 months, that he would at least be telling people that M is my GF--I don't think he does it to get other women, I just think he's clueless--which is why he probably wasn't very clear on the arrangements and who was going to be there when.  If he had said other people are just coming for a party on Friday I would have just come then.  But I guess it was good to learn about all the ways that I wouldn't like him because now I am not disappointed at all that they are together.  I really have to stop making these fantasies in my head though.  

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 12:02am

Sorry to hear things didn't go so well. But at least you found out your not really interested in him now that you've gotten a closer look at him. And it sounds like you and M could end up becoming better friends. I guess that's why we have to go into these types of things with no expectations. Well at least you had one fun day there.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 11:07am
If I were her, I would have been upset that he invited another woman. Do you think she thought it was supposed to be a romantic thing?
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 11:07am
If I were her, I would have been upset that he invited another woman. Do you think she thought it was supposed to be a romantic thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 11:25am

wow.. Yeah that sounds really odd that he would invite you and this woman was his gfriend??
Either he is just weird or friendly and looked at you as a friend or buddy and didnt give it a second tho ught ..

Now I am curious as  you know I must over analyze things.. You seem to be in friend zone again? Heck, I know how that goes because I wind up there too.... Wondering if we are giving off a certain energy or vibe that says friend .. I for one am a bit committment phobic and am a little leery of people these days.. Do you think you feel like that?? I mean look at our horrible marriages although we think we are over the insanity and drama maybe we still have stuck emotions in there.

Okay taking off my therapy cap now...

Sorry for what happened but atleast you got out for awhile and did something different..

I do know about the expectations and hoping this could be a potential boyfriend but alas another dead end..

Well keep on keepin On I guess... yeah; live and learn.

Just like the guy who wrote to me on a dating site and I assumed he was single.. AFter talking to him for awhile he asks me out but then says oh; I forgot to tell you I was married but I can get out here and there. I said to him Have a Nice Life and deleted him...... oy vei

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 12:29pm

I'm with Shy and Free, I find it very off-putting that he wouldn't make it clear (to anyone) that they are at least dating, forget labels.  At least you went, I wouldn't have had the balls.  If I took someone else with, maybe . . . Anyway, it's an interesting tale, ha-ha.  More than I have to share at the moment :)  I know I always "say" this, but you never know who you might get introduced to via the new friendships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 7:07pm

Well they had actually been down there since Sunday so they had their romantic time.  I really wish he had made clear to me also that a bunch of people were invited for Friday's party but that was it.  I asked who else was coming and he said some names but I had thought people were coming down for different times during the week.  If I were the GF I would have wondered why he invited another woman to stay over--I know he didn't check with her first because he & I were at a free concert/then eating out after with a group and that was when he first mentioned it to me because we said we both had the same week off.  I said oh I might go to Baltimore to see my DD and he said "it's too hot in Baltimore in the summer" so he made it seem like he really wanted me to come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 7:15pm

Oh I love that one "I forgot to tell you I was married."  Isn't that kind of the first thing that comes to mind?  At least he told you before you went out with him!

I don't think I give off "I just want to be friends" vibe.  I was never flirty w/ R because he seems to be kind of shy and I've only seen him w/ a bunch of other people around.  I can tell you that I just can't imagine my whole life being centered on a man any more.  M was telling me how they only live 10 mins. apart but she sleeps over every night, gets up at 5:30 am to go home & get ready for work, how his house was so messy and she cleaned it & bought him new sheets (I think mostly so she wouldn't be grossed out by the filth) and I'm thinking that 1) if a guy was that messy, I'd tell him I'm not sleeping over unless YOU clean up your stuff or you can come over & sleep at my place and I wouldn't be getting up at 5:30 am & inconvenience myself that much--I'd probably stay on the weekend but not every night.  I mean you can't be falling alseep at work.  And I just don't think it's healthy to spend every free minute w/ someone you are just dating.  She was telling me that she stopped being friends with this woman for various reasons (the woman didn't sound very nice) but M said that she suggested getting together on a Sat. am because R likes sleeping late and the woman said something about she didn't want to be just fit in around R's time schedule--actually I'd feel the same way.  That's how I used to be when I got a BF--everything revolved around him and I'd only see my friends if he was busy or I wouldn't make plans until I knew if I had a date.  I just think that's so bad.  I have a lot of things to do and I'm just not going to cancel them all for a man and then if you break up, then you're alone with no friends and nothing to do again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 7:20pm

CFK, there was one very cute guy at the party who was British & we were all loving his accent.  But I think I heard him say he has a young DD so that's it for me.  I didn't talk to him that much because he went on this long bike ride w/ one of the women and then she was kind of monopolizing him.  

Oh and here's another example of how socially clueless R is.  He was talking for some reason about shaving and how he uses an old fashioned razor & soap and it give a close shave and said that once he shaved some women's legs with it and offered to do it later and said "M won't mind."  So M takes me aside later and said "I heard R's comment about shaving women's legs and told him over my dead body."  So she would mind that greatly--after 7-8 mos. of dating, how did he not get this?

But I did meet a bunch of nice women and who knows, I might see them again at some point?  So maybe I should just stick to making friends with women--that seems to go much better.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 7:29pm
I used to work around a man's plans when I was younger, but now there's no way I'll do that. It ticks the needy ones off (P, for example). They start telling me how I can cancel that or move this so I can see them. When I won't do it, they get all cranky! I make it clear from the start- I don't cancel plans with friends for a guy, and I wouldn't want him to do it either. It's one thing if I truly want to see a guy more often. It's another if he's trying to force me to.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 08-31-2013 - 9:12pm

Who's legs did he offer to shave, pray tell?  Yours?  I bet you were mortified.  Surely he was a lil tipsy!  Still, when's the last time a guy offered to shave your legs for you?  Music:  1 + ?  Cfk:  O  

Please keep going on these adventures of yours :D  

Pages