Things didn't go that well

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Things didn't go that well
22
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 11:28pm

To try to make a really long story short, I went down to the place on the beach for a couple of days (invited by a guy R) and immediately found out that he is in a relationship with the woman I wondered about (M).  The ironic part is that in getting to know them better, I discovered that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship w/ him and that I really liked her.  She & I had some good time to talk & get to know each other.  The first day was supremely awkward for me.  The weather was bad so we couldn't go to the beach and it was in a very small town w/ not much to do.  Oh and I was under the impression that more people would be there all week but it was just the 3 of us--great!  I said "are we going out to dinner tonight?" but she had stuff to cook (stuff that I didn't really like--I mean it was not as bad as I feared but definitely not something I would pick to eat.)  Then the bed I had was the hardest most uncomfortable mattress--so much that I actually woke up in pain and said I just can't sleep here any more and went down to sleep on the living room sofa.  Today was much better--about 10 people came down for a party and they were all nice people & we were having fun eating & drinking.  So I guess live & learn.  I'm glad I never said anything flirty to him.  I actually said to M when we were talking that R never told me that they were a couple--she said she had found that to be a problem because another woman asked him out & he told her then that he was dating M and I said that's not really fair to the women either because it's embarrassing--he should introduce M as his GF.  She said she tries to head things off by doing that herself.  I guess privately he is very affectionate but he doesn't like any public gestures, even hand holding.  I'm not one for a lot of PDA but I would expect if I had a BF for 7 months, that he would at least be telling people that M is my GF--I don't think he does it to get other women, I just think he's clueless--which is why he probably wasn't very clear on the arrangements and who was going to be there when.  If he had said other people are just coming for a party on Friday I would have just come then.  But I guess it was good to learn about all the ways that I wouldn't like him because now I am not disappointed at all that they are together.  I really have to stop making these fantasies in my head though.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 1:03am
Well I really can't figure out any other reason why he'd ask you "what happened to guy you were with" unless he was interested in you. Sounds like he's fishing to see if any other women might be interested in him just in case he gets bored with M. Maybe you should tell him to take you off his line. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:36pm

I looked in my old emails to see again specifically what he wrote to me.  This was at the end of June so at that time had been dating M for 5-6 mos.  I joked about him always being surrounded by women and he wrote back a very ambiguous email about 2 women in the group falsely accusing him (!) of being a womanizer but nowhere did he mention that it didn't matter now because he had a girlfriend--and this was after he asked me what happened to a guy he saw me dancing with.  I figured then that he might be interested in me because why else would he be asking about that guy other than to see if I had a BF.  So now I am thinking he is kind of a jerk.

I think you are right about the vanity because at one point, he was complaining about his hairline receding--it's only receding a tiny bit on the side and otherwise he has a nice head of curly hair that most men would envy--how many middle aged men are really bald (which doesn't bother me at all unless they do the bad comb over).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 7:02pm

I vote he has some tricks up his sleeve. Are these men really that clueless or are they always fishing for attention by making comments like that? I bet he was fishing to see if any of the women on the porch seemed interested in taking the leg shaving bait. I agree with whoever said "one womans attention doesn't seem to be enough for men these days." And I especially notice it with older men that I know in their 50's and up. I think when they get that age and start graying or losing some hair on top, or maybe getting a pot belly, they start worrying that their not as attractive to women as they were when they were young studs. So they fish for compliments and attention cause they need to prove to themselves that they still "got it"  

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 12:29pm

I was wondering about potential hopes for a threesome as well.  Maybe they're polyamorous and aren't ready to come out of the closet.  If not, I'd hate to be the girl dating him because he seems either completely and genuinely clueless or he has some tricks up his sleeve; neither of which sound appealing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:55am

"Sampling the buffet"--that is funny.  Well I'm not interested in trying to wresta guy from his GF--that automatically changes my behavior so I don't cross any lines, but I know there are some women who like the challenge and would still flirt.  So if he was hoping for any flirting, he sure didn't get it.  I figured if I said innocently to the GF that he didn't tell me they were dating, she'd be mad at him & that would accomplish more than if I asked him directly.  If I ask him now, he'll think I like him.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:50am

I'm still thinking he was hoping for a threesome. I can't think of any other reason why he'd want another woman there. Maybe he was hoping Music would flirt, then he could take it from there. Bullet effectively dodged!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:50am

Ans. to #1--I don't know.  He must be clueless about social situations.  I remember emailing him a few months ago joking around about how he's always surrounded by women (because more single women always show up to events than men) and he said something like "I'm the only organizer of a meetup group who hasn't gotten a girlfriend out of it" and I'm sure now that he already had a GF when he said this.  So maybe he's trying to be a player.  

I had to make the best of a bad situation.  My best friend was saying that she would have just gone home but it just seemed like that would make things even more awkward plus I figured the party would be fun & it was.  I can't imagine if I had said that I was going for more days.  Maybe this guy just doesn't get social situations.  He was saying something like "next summer maybe a few people can go in on a house & we can rent a bigger place" and the GF said "well I want you to myself for a few of those days."  And I definitely won't be one of those people staying over.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:50am

I'm still thinking he was hoping for a threesome. I can't think of any other reason why he'd want another woman there. Maybe he was hoping Music would flirt, then he could take it from there. Bullet effectively dodged!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 10:44am

We were sitting on the porch when he made the leg shaving comment, so it wasn't to me particularly--there were 3 other women there, I think.  And he hadn't even started drinking yet.  Believe me,, that's something that I wouldn't volunteer for unless the guy was either my BF or I was trying to seduce him.  Way too personal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 09-01-2013 - 8:01am

Not sure I would be mad as hell but I would ask him why he invited me when he had a gfriend .. Why he doesnt introduce this  woman as his gfriend could be is that maybe they are only dating and he is keeping his options open.. Maybe he invited you to check you out and drop the gfriend and then ask you out?? His ego could be that big that he believes he can get any woman he wants and he is sampling the buffet. KWIM..

This is one of those things you will n ever find out because if you confront him he can lie and all of that nonsense but I would ask why he doesnt tell people about the gfriend.. Oh; I am finding men in their fifties and older are just big teenagers and have some big egos and their manhood is threatened so they need the encouragement and attention of more than one woman....and since women outnumber men they get it.. Get it..

It is just the nature of the beast these days...

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