Thinking I Blew It...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Thinking I Blew It...
16
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 11:19pm
Where do I begin? I met a very sweet and interesting guy this last Friday night - and I think I blew my chances of seeing him again.

I went out for the night to my usual Friday nightspot, but the place was dead, so I left. I took a chance that some friends were at their usual bar, a place I never go alone. They were, that is the only reason I stayed.

About an hour later a guy sits down at the video machine (one that sits on the bar) and asks if I am done playing. (He called me "ma'am", how polite.) I was, and he started playing general trivia. Every once in a while I would lean over the chair between us and give him answers if he didn't know. We would just laugh if either of us was wrong, and would cheer if we were right. We started up a conversation that lasted 3 hours. We talked about everything -traveling, music, religion, sports, family backgrounds - everything.

At about 1 am, the bar got busy, we ended up sitting practially on top of each other. He asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, and we left - ended up back at his place.

At 3 am, I told him I should probably go home...and he said only if I wanted to. I wanted to stay with him, but didn't know if I should - so I left. As I was walking out the door, he kept asking me if I was ok - said I was acting a little strange.

I know his name is John K. I know he is 33. I know where he lives and where he works.

What I don't know is his last name, if I should have gotten his number or left mine, and if I could see him again.

I also know that it was just a one-night stand, but this time I wish something would come of it. I'm 27, have had 6 partners, counting John - have had only 3 one-nighters...and he was the only one who acted like he wanted me to stay the night.

I will be out of town this weekend, so I can't go back to where we met to see him.

I would like to see him again - What should I do? Besides forgetting about him?

Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 12:16am
*sigh*

i'm sorry, but it's pretty hard to go backwards from sleeping with a guy the first time you meet him. if he had any desire to see you again, don't you think he would have asked for your phone number?

if you really want to see him again, i suppose you could drop by his place again and either a) knock on his door or b) leave a note. however, i have to warn you that the chances of developing anything real out of this are slim to none...

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 8:09am

This could go one of two ways: either he is also kicking himself because he didn't get your number, or he was just looking for a roll in the hay and isn't worrying about it at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 10:16am
The ball is in his court - you prioritized sex over getting to know him, and so did he - you often cannot have it both ways. I personally don't see the point of the "only" in front of the three one nighters or why you find it special that he asked you to stay the night - I wonder if your standards for what you deserve and want are high enough - don't you want a man you give yourself to to say he loves you and is committed to you and to mean it - is it really that special that he asked you to stay in his bed? I don't think you blew it at all - next time you will think twice about what you're worth and probably behave differently - and silently thank him for that. I am not judging you - just noticing that you don't feel good about yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:31pm
i think 3 one night stands is a very low number.

i don't think having a one night stand lowers a woman's worth at all.

i think a woman can have a one night stand and not have to feel like she "deserved" more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:41pm

I have had one, one night stand in my life - and it did turn into a r/ship. But I had absolutely NO expectations...when I left the next morning, I honestly thought I would never see him again. After 14 months of "bumping" into him at pubs, restaurants, the bank, etc...and every time we ended up spending the day & night (or entire w/ends) together. I gave him my # once but he never called...and eventually he wanted us to be together always but I felt it was way too dysfunctional to go anywhere. I felt embarassed about how we met and how things started between us. He calimed to respect me but I refused to believe him - probably b/c I didn't respect myself.


So my advice to you is this: go back to that place and if you bump into him - tell him that you are not looking for a roll in the hay and to call you if he wants to do dinner or something. If he calls you know. If not, you know the answer and you don't have to wonder. And don't beat yourself up about this - I was wrong to feel that I disrespected myself b/c I am who I am. I love who I am. And obviously I am capable of doing those sorts of things...but I'm still loveable, LOL. Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:43pm
I don't know why as women, we feel guilty about one night stands, or having sex with a man right away if you like him. Yes, sometimes alcohol is involved, and clouds your judgement, but a man can always say no too (even though it doesn't happen too often)

Why is our worth tied up to our sexuality? I say go for it and take the risk and see what's up. That is what I'm planning to do with this guy I met. If he doesn't want to get to know me other than just sex, well, I can move on with it and accept it and find someone else, or just choose to have a sexual relationship with him. I think guys can get attached just as much as women when they sleep with someone. I'd ask him out. What the hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:55pm
"I think guys can get attached just as much as women when they sleep with someone."

um... not exactly...

one night stands are a little different for guys...

women usually won't have sex with a man unless he's at least date-worthy. men tend to bend their standards if all they want from a woman is a one nighter...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 2:55pm
Why can guys do it and they're studs, but if a woman does it, it lowers their self worth? I'm not saying that jumping into bed with every Tom Dick and Harry is the way to go because that would be a problem. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. I've never had a one nighter. I have rushed into it before and never felt bad about it. If I were you I would make an effort. You can have the upper hand if you play your cards right. Leave a note. Just a quick something saying you realized that you didn't give him a chance to contact you and you felt bad about that. Then if forget him. Because that way if he calls you will be happy that he calls but you won't get your hopes up if he doesn't. You only have one shot in life and its better to regret the things that you have done than to regret the things you didn't do.

~Chloekins
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:00pm
Are you just speaking for yourself or ALL men?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 3:07pm
most men.

i know its crass, but... men can often be found distinguishing women as "doable" or "dateable".

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