Those cute happy couples

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Those cute happy couples
33
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:55pm

So I've been back and forth for the past 10 days between feeling really good that I'm single and have my whole life ahead and every opportunity out there to find that one special guy for me and feeling totally miserable that I'm still 'out here', rummaging through the scraps of the dating world bin trying to find something that wont make me feel like s**t, when I get invited to a dinner and movie night with a friend. I get there and its at his friends house. The friend was of course this young, gorgeous guy, who was married to this young, adorable woman who lived in this adorable house where each room was painted a different color, but had this nice clean, straight out of HGTV look. And pics of their closest friend who are also all happily married (all still in their late 20's).

Walking around they had cute, lovable pictures of themselves all over; pics of them skiing, at cookouts, at formals, their wedding and of course candids of them laughing, hugging, kissing and simply looking beautiful together. To top that off they had 3 adopted children from Ethiopia who were also beautiful, smart and well behaved. They were put to bed at 7pm and the couple then made us a spaghetti dinner, topped with red wine, homemade meatballs and sauce, salad and of course fresh bread.

Suddenly all those "Embrace Your Single Self" articles I'd read days earlier which were beginning to make me feel better, wilted in my head like a dying flower as the realization hit me again: I WANT THIS LIFE! Yeah, it is cool to come and go as I please without having to check with anyone, yeah, it is freedom to completely splurge on any and everything I want and sure always having the remote, being a total slob and not having to consider anyone else in my decisions can be a pleasure but daggone it; I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have dinner, at home, with someone every night, to have someone else to worry about besides myself, to have a cozy home, to decorate to prepare meals and to entertain guests then curl up on the couch together after a long day, to have someone call me 'babe' and touch my hip gently as they pass by to let me know, I'm theres, to have cute pics of fun times together framed and decorating my place, to know that on holidays, I will have definite plans and someone to spend that time with, to fall asleep at night lying next to someone that chose, out of the millions of women out here, to be with me, simply because he loves me enough and truly wants me. How can I not want that.

Anyway, just venting. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:02am

Jeez, I was happy being single before I read that too....

I mean, the way you describe it who wouldn't? but remember everything isn't roses, even when it appears to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:49am
Well, you saw this family's public face. But you didn't see them during a normal day--or one when Mom is running late/overworked, the adorable kids aren't being adorable, and Mom and Dad are putting in insane overtime to pay for that oh-so-perfect house. No matter how glittering an image looks, it's seldom as immaculate as it appears. History is full of perfect marriages and beautiful families whose lives were nightmares underneath. Google "Brooke Heyward" or "Natalie Cole," as two very good examples. Think about what is good in your life--and consider what of those things you would have to give up if you got married and had kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:50am
Sorry--that's Brooke Hayward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:13am
Wow, quite an account. You should write romance fiction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:34am

Deering24 is exactly right. What she saw was a snapshot of a single day in their lives and a collection of snapshots of some happy days from the past, and then constructed an image of a perfect world in HER mind.

Couple of things. What looks good from far, is seldom the case when seen from near. Secondly, the routine she described gets boring quite fast actually. Once the novelty of a new relationship wears out, in most cases the romance is pretty much dead. Yes its glorified in movies because it makes for good viewing.. and with the romance gone it gets down to the daily grind of partnership existence. That's why when choosing a mate you should make sure you will have a solid partnership to build on once the romance fades away, or else you will end up looking for another partner to start over with. Do you know how many couples there are in apparently happy marriages with no problems whatsoever, who secretly yearn to be single again ?




Edited 6/11/2007 5:44 am ET by fruitedplain
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 8:10am

Yes, it's true that many couples who seem perfect on the outside really aren't on the inside of their marriages. And yes, the romance fades in most marriages. And yes, there are plenty of people who wish they were single again.

But I don't think any of this helps when you are single and yearning for a relationship/marriage. I don't think you are expecting a perfect marriage...just a reasonably happy one. I can totally relate to this.

I was married for 4 years, divorced in 1987 and have been single ever since and have also yearned for a happy marriage. Yes, I can come and go as I please and spend my money any way I'd like, but I am not one of those women who have "embraced" the single life. I think I've done reasonably well, and have doggedly searched for alternatives to living married. I've tried to remain positive and make the most of my single life. But I have to tell you, as a woman who has been both married and single, I think being single is more isolating and difficult, especially as you get older. Not that anyone should stay in a bad marriage, not at all.

Anyway, I can relate. Even knowing there are couples who aren't that happy in reality doesn't stop me from wanting to be part of a couple who IS happy. Of course, of course, of course I know that just being married won't make me happy, but I'm telling ya...it would go a long way toward that end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 8:54am

Thanks for relating and understanding.

True, no one wants to be in an unhappy relationship but I do think its harder when you have no choice but to accept and relegate yourself to being single than if it were a state you actually sought out and chose.

But I'm working on this and trying not to wallow. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:05am

I can totally relate........

I was watching the "Style" channel this weekend and they were promoing a new show called, "I Propose"......

It dawned on me that noone has ever proposed to me, noone has ever even looked at me with more than lust in their eyes.....

I just broke down. I couldn't take it. How do you not feel desperate after awhile.....

No, I don't want an unhappy marriage, heck I am not even sure if I want to be married, but there has never been anyone in my life who loved me....

I feel hideous, like I am missing something that other women have........

I saw some very "average looking women" this weekend with husbands and boyfriends and I just started crying again.....

No, I don't want some abusive bum who lives off of me and makes my life miserable or some cheating dog who could be exposing me to dangerous diseases.....

No, I don't want a passive agressive little punk who doesn't know how to be a man or some verbally and mentally abusive dog who puts me down......

But, I can't honestly believe that there is absolutely noone for me......

It's hard doing everything alone. It's hard having noone to call or share my life with...

It's hard having noone to make love with.......

I have this overwhelming feeling inside that makes me feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time.....

It's getting harder and harder to put myself out there and then the men that are attracted are old BUMS.....

Drunken, messed up bums. I mean is that all I am worth?? Then it doesn't matter where you go because there are so many women out there like me, it leaves no hope......

I am angry and upset and just feeling like I am being punished for something.....

Oh and yes, I am sure someone is going to say, GET SOME THERAPY.....

I am going to do that AGAIN this summer but you know what, therapy won't help me find a man.....

It will only help me realize why I don't have one......

I can't take it no more. I just can't. How do you come to grips with the fact that you will be alone for the rest of your life....

Then people keep telling me, just wait or be patient. How patient am I supposed to be??

GT36

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 10:20am

I feel your pain greatteacher. I have been near tears since last night and I just haven't been able to shake this yet. Last night at the movie night, there were two couples there, cuddled with each other under blankets and I swear I could barely pay attention to the movie cause I kept thinking what makes them so special that they have someone willing to be with them and not me. Pathetic thinking, I know. But you can't help but to think that you are missing some special ingredient that makes you desirable.

I know this will pass, I keep telling myself and I have been better at being single, but every now and then, it just really, really sucks.

((((((((hugs)))))))))) I'm sorry you are going through this as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:01am

Thanks, I also don't think it helps that I am ovulating right now......

Hormones are a "bbeeeeecccchhh".............

Then, what's really unfair is how many "dog" men have two and three women pining over them....

They look and act like trash and always have some "simple" female fighting over them....

Then you try things to "put yourself out there" only to meet the same "crappy guys"...

I keep thinking about the extremely "mean spirited" woman in my grad program.....

She will openly sit in a classroom and put people down and HAS BEEN MARRIED TWICE....

I am kind, beautiful and loving and never had a real boyfriend.......

Sure, I have also avoided being in bad relationships and there are many great things about being single.....

However, there are certain things that you need a partner for and it just hurts when I never have anyone.....

Yet, I refuse to believe that I have to jump through all these dating hurdles to find someone.....

I don't know anymore.....

GT36

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