Those cute happy couples

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Those cute happy couples
33
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:55pm

So I've been back and forth for the past 10 days between feeling really good that I'm single and have my whole life ahead and every opportunity out there to find that one special guy for me and feeling totally miserable that I'm still 'out here', rummaging through the scraps of the dating world bin trying to find something that wont make me feel like s**t, when I get invited to a dinner and movie night with a friend. I get there and its at his friends house. The friend was of course this young, gorgeous guy, who was married to this young, adorable woman who lived in this adorable house where each room was painted a different color, but had this nice clean, straight out of HGTV look. And pics of their closest friend who are also all happily married (all still in their late 20's).

Walking around they had cute, lovable pictures of themselves all over; pics of them skiing, at cookouts, at formals, their wedding and of course candids of them laughing, hugging, kissing and simply looking beautiful together. To top that off they had 3 adopted children from Ethiopia who were also beautiful, smart and well behaved. They were put to bed at 7pm and the couple then made us a spaghetti dinner, topped with red wine, homemade meatballs and sauce, salad and of course fresh bread.

Suddenly all those "Embrace Your Single Self" articles I'd read days earlier which were beginning to make me feel better, wilted in my head like a dying flower as the realization hit me again: I WANT THIS LIFE! Yeah, it is cool to come and go as I please without having to check with anyone, yeah, it is freedom to completely splurge on any and everything I want and sure always having the remote, being a total slob and not having to consider anyone else in my decisions can be a pleasure but daggone it; I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have dinner, at home, with someone every night, to have someone else to worry about besides myself, to have a cozy home, to decorate to prepare meals and to entertain guests then curl up on the couch together after a long day, to have someone call me 'babe' and touch my hip gently as they pass by to let me know, I'm theres, to have cute pics of fun times together framed and decorating my place, to know that on holidays, I will have definite plans and someone to spend that time with, to fall asleep at night lying next to someone that chose, out of the millions of women out here, to be with me, simply because he loves me enough and truly wants me. How can I not want that.

Anyway, just venting. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:13am

Oh tell me about it. The entire dating scene is so old and stale for me and the options out here make me want to go running screaming for the hills. I activated my profile on Yahoo profiles and I've gotten more requests form men 40 and 50+ then anybody else (I'm 29) and yes, I know some people would say give them a chance but if they didn't look like somebody's grandpa, maybe I could consider it. Then the majority or physically unappealing, as in wince-worthy and the 2% that are halfway decent looking aren't really looking for anything (then why are you on Yahoo???).

It just seems like the men who really, truly want relationships are already in them and what's left are the ones who are fighting it like hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 11:26am

GT36. I understand the pain you are feeling. However, after surviving a major health crisis two years ago, that experience forever changed my outlook on my life as a single woman. I have learned to live by the words "Live your life to make you happy, first and foremost" and "Focus your energy and be thankful for the good things you have in your life instead of dwelling the things that you don't have".

I know that is easier said than done. Especially in a world that sees a single woman (and sometimes a married woman without children) as a person that does not count.

The bottom line is you have to find peace and happiness within yourself first and formost. Another person cannot be responsible for your "happily ever after", you need to create it yourself. Marriage and couplehood is not the "holy grail".

I'm walking in your shoes, like many of the single women on this board with only friends and families to turn to in times of celebration and crisis, instead of having a significant other to go to weddings with or go on vacation with or to help carry a big piece of furniture home from the store.

(Yes, this really did happen to me when buying a dinning room table and the salesman asking "don't you have a boyfriend or husband to help you get this home?")

Having never been married and being without a signifciant other for the last 12 years, life has been far from a bowl of cherries. But I see a lot of my contemporaries who are married and that does not make them immune to the curveballs that life throws at you.

The next time some couple gives you crap about "why haven't you found someone?", remind them of all the fun things you get to do with your free time and money without the responsiblity of having a partner or children. Believe me, that will make them very envious of you.

I heard a great comeback recently to being single. "I'd rather be single than wish I were".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:47pm

Believe me, there are things about being single that I love and don't really want to trade in......

However, to come to the realization that no man has ever really cared about me, it's hard to swallow no matter how much I love being single......

I have never had a new year's eve date, I have never had someone other than friends and family send me flowers or take me out on my birthday.....

All of my friends and families have children/families that they have to tend to, so I am the friend that gets put on the back burner........

I didn't have a highschool sweetheart or a college sweetheart, just a bunch of dates and failed flings and affairs......

Here's the kicker.......

A child that I once DIAPERED, just got married. He's 19 and was supposed to go to Michigan State, but instead got married this past weekend which makes us wonder if it's shotgun.....

Trust me, as happy as I am to be single most days, some days like this past weekend it was almost unbearable.......

GT36

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 3:26pm

Hi great,

Oh, I just want to pat your hand and go "There, there."

As to your comment "GET SOME THERAPY....I am going to do that AGAIN this summer but you know what, therapy won't help me find a man....."

BINGO.

There is a seriously good book you should read called "With or Without a Man," written by a therapist who, among other points, dispels the myth that women who haven't "found" a man need therapy. Of course, some women actually do need it, but not just because they haven't "found" a man. Society is so quick to heap it on, blaming single women for their "plight." "You're too picky." "You don't give a guy a chance." Furthermore, she's not asking women to "be happy by themselves" if what they want is a relationship. But she doesn't think you need to be miserable either.

And you and cl214 are only 29. I say "only" because I'm 52. But I was divorced at age 34 after a realtively brief marriage, so it's almost like I am just like you...just way older. And the thing is, I have no real advice to give you in terms of "solving" this because I haven't solved it for myself. But it's really good to have these feelings validated by other single women because frankly your married friends don't understand and are tired of hearing it. And your women friends who never have a problem attracting men (even if inappropriate) don't get it either.

And by the way, the last man I went out with (other than off of Match.com) was seven years ago and he turned out to be an alcoholic.

And I'm just so damned wonderful. Makes no sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 3:54pm

OK, lets analyze your post ......................................

> noone has ever even looked at me with more than lust in their eyes.....

I am assuming you are implying you are attractive.

>No, I don't want an unhappy marriage, heck I am not even sure if I want to be married, >but there has never been anyone in my life who loved me....

As we men discovered eons ago, being indecisive (and irrational) is part of being woman. That's ok, its just who women are. So if you are not sure you want to be married, it must mean the state of not-being-married is not what's bothering you. Something else is. What bothers people is what they want but cannot have, or what they want and have not had. So I will assume the fact that 'no one in your life has never loved you', is what is.

Now lets look at your attitude --

>I saw some very "average looking women" this weekend with husbands and boyfriends and I >just started crying again.....

1. Condescension -- looking down on "average" looking women. Because you think you are good looking ( again assumption, see above), you are entitled. Not so. Looks will turn heads, attract people, cause a few erections..and maybe, a few ejaculations without your knowing. It will not automatically lay a good man at your feet.

>No, I don't want some abusive bum who lives off of me and makes my life miserable or some >cheating dog who could be exposing me to dangerous diseases.....
>No, I don't want a passive aggressive little punk who doesn't know how to be a man or some verbally and mentally abusive dog who puts me down......

2. Bitter/Man hater. This could be from past experiences, or from what you have heard or read about them. Or not. Doesn't matter. You already have a highly negative attitude about men. Unless one can come out and prove to be the exception, they are all what you just described. It keeps you from meeting good men and gets you embittered even more.

> But, I can't honestly believe that there is absolutely noone for me......

Yay ! Silver lining. At least there's an ounce of hope left.

> It's hard doing everything alone. It's hard having noone to call or share my life with...

That's what you have been conditioned to believe.

> It's hard having noone to make love with.......

The dildo is your friend ( till the time a man comes attached to the rest of it..)

>I have this overwhelming feeling inside that makes me feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time.....

Now this is where it gets really bad, and the most damaging. Doom & gloom, pessimism, negativism, depression. None of these have ever achieved anything or attracted people to anyone. People hate to be around doom and gloomers (unless they are Democrats. Democrats love that. That's how they win elections the handful of times they do).

People love happy and cheerful people and love to be to around them - the optimistic , positive, the glass is always half full, the better days are always ahead us types (Ronald Reagan ? ). Your pessimism and the singlehood that results from it keep reinforcing each other and have thrown you into a tailspin.

>It's getting harder and harder to put myself out there and then the men that are attracted are old BUMS.....

Don't blame people for being attracted to you. Blame YOURSELF for not attracting others.
Oh wait, Democrats never blame themselves for anything...never mind )

>Drunken, messed up bums. I mean is that all I am worth?? Then it doesn't matter where you >go because there are so many women out there like me, it leaves no hope......

More doom , more gloom , more pessimism.

> I am angry and upset and just feeling like I am being punished for something.....

and some more...

> Oh and yes, I am sure someone is going to say, GET SOME THERAPY.....

a gift that keeps on giving..

> I am going to do that AGAIN this summer but you know what, therapy won't help me find a man.....

You can bet a million $$ it won't. Therapy is for making therapists richer. And wait till the good man you DO happen to run into finds out..

>It will only help me realize why I don't have one...... I can't take it no more. I just >can't.

Please, stay away from rooftops. I implore you.

> Then people keep telling me, just wait or be patient. How patient am I supposed to be??

Patience by itself never achieved anything. This great country became the envy ( and thus the object of hatred of much of the world) not because the pioneers WAITED patiently for things to happen. They went out MADE it happen. If you want to meet a nice guy, go meet him TODAY. No don't come up with an excuse. Yes --TODAY--. If there is the will, you WILL find a way.

-- FP

Edited 6/11/2007 4:37 pm ET by fruitedplain




Edited 6/11/2007 7:47 pm ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 4:56pm

Thanks for analyzing my post. Some things I agree with and some I don't. I appreciate your help and I will keep at it.....

GT36

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:16pm

Wow, Fruited, your analysis seems a little harsh.

I especially must question your comment "They went out MADE it happen. If you want to meet a nice guy, go meet him TODAY. No don't come up with an excuse. Yes --TODAY--. If there is the will, you WILL find a way."

Just because a woman is ready, willing and able to have a relationship doesn't mean a man is going to fall from the sky. How does one "make it happen"? Does she go down to her local bar and pick up a guy? Does she go to Starbucks and strike up conversations with men (if she can find one)? Does she walk her dog in the park and hit on all the guys?

And if she does all of these things, and doesn't meet one TODAY...does that mean she failed? Does she have a "negative attitude" that is keeping it away? Let me ask you this...when you want to meet a woman, are you always succesful when you go out hunting one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:50pm

Not harsh, just reality. Reality is harsher than we would like. The point I was emphasizing was attitude.

As for where to meet people, women in my case, I look to women's magazines - turn to the section where it says 'where to meet men', find out where I am supposed to be, and then be there.




Edited 6/11/2007 9:02 pm ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:21pm

...

Nevermind..I'm a bit heated to respond.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 7:43pm
My goodness, I was totally with you, even after you mistyped dildo as dido UNTIL all the Democrat bashing (it was totally unrelated and underminded the whole message behind your post).
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