Those cute happy couples
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| Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:55pm |
So I've been back and forth for the past 10 days between feeling really good that I'm single and have my whole life ahead and every opportunity out there to find that one special guy for me and feeling totally miserable that I'm still 'out here', rummaging through the scraps of the dating world bin trying to find something that wont make me feel like s**t, when I get invited to a dinner and movie night with a friend. I get there and its at his friends house. The friend was of course this young, gorgeous guy, who was married to this young, adorable woman who lived in this adorable house where each room was painted a different color, but had this nice clean, straight out of HGTV look. And pics of their closest friend who are also all happily married (all still in their late 20's).
Walking around they had cute, lovable pictures of themselves all over; pics of them skiing, at cookouts, at formals, their wedding and of course candids of them laughing, hugging, kissing and simply looking beautiful together. To top that off they had 3 adopted children from Ethiopia who were also beautiful, smart and well behaved. They were put to bed at 7pm and the couple then made us a spaghetti dinner, topped with red wine, homemade meatballs and sauce, salad and of course fresh bread.
Suddenly all those "Embrace Your Single Self" articles I'd read days earlier which were beginning to make me feel better, wilted in my head like a dying flower as the realization hit me again: I WANT THIS LIFE! Yeah, it is cool to come and go as I please without having to check with anyone, yeah, it is freedom to completely splurge on any and everything I want and sure always having the remote, being a total slob and not having to consider anyone else in my decisions can be a pleasure but daggone it; I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have dinner, at home, with someone every night, to have someone else to worry about besides myself, to have a cozy home, to decorate to prepare meals and to entertain guests then curl up on the couch together after a long day, to have someone call me 'babe' and touch my hip gently as they pass by to let me know, I'm theres, to have cute pics of fun times together framed and decorating my place, to know that on holidays, I will have definite plans and someone to spend that time with, to fall asleep at night lying next to someone that chose, out of the millions of women out here, to be with me, simply because he loves me enough and truly wants me. How can I not want that.
Anyway, just venting. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

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>I was watching the "Style" channel this weekend and they were promoing a new show called, "I Propose"......<
Honestly, if you want true peace-of-mind, don't watch programs like that or read wedding magazines. For one thing, the image they are peddling is idealized and utterly unrealistic. For another, those shows and mags. exist to make people feel constantly dissatisfied so they will buy a certain lifestyle. And the lifestyle they are selling is being married-with-kids because those folks have to be big-spending consumers whether they want to or not.
>It dawned on me that noone has ever proposed to me, noone has ever even looked at me with more than lust in their eyes.....
I just broke down. I couldn't take it. How do you not feel desperate after awhile.....<
:( Don't do this to yourself. The surest way to make yourself miserable is to feel you are only loveable/worthy if someone loves you romantically. It's _not_ true and never has been.
>No, I don't want an unhappy marriage, heck I am not even sure if I want to be married, but there has never been anyone in my life who loved me....
I feel hideous, like I am missing something that other women have........<
Romantic love is not the only thing that makes a person "worthy"--whatever that means. There is so much more to life than that kind of love, and putting all your "worthiness" in that one basket leaves you up a creek when you don't have someone. Surely your life is more than the sum of who you are attached to, right? What do you do that's good for other people? What do you do that makes you happy--or that makes the world better? What do you do to fufill your talents or do things you've always wanted to do. Life isn't about finding love forever--it's about having a happy, productive life, not beating yourself up over what others think you don't have.
>I can't take it no more. I just can't. How do you come to grips with the fact that you will be alone for the rest of your life....<
Do you have friends? Family? Do you have someone to blow off steam to? (Trust me, just because one has a husband does not mean one's need for other people in one's life is fulfilled.) And the big question: what do you realistically think being married will give you that you can't get as a single person? What is it that will make you truly happy _besides_ having a mate? What have you longed to do, to see, to be? One of my aunts (who had been married for years, then widowed) told me years ago one of the biggest mistakes in life is to buy into the fear that marriage is the only thing that will give you everything you think you are missing--and is the only way to be happy and complete. I've found she was quite correct.
I bash Democrats only to illustrate a point. Whenever I have to explain to someone why something doesn't work, or why something will never work, or what is the worst way to do something even it has nothing to do with politics, I find analogies in liberal policies. It's not hard. A liberal way doing something is the surest way to make it fail. History is witness.
Why did I cite the Democrats in my earlier post ? Look at the Nov 2006 elections. The Democrats ran on not a SINGLE issue.. no ideas , no visions, no nothing. Their whole platform was doom and gloom, apocalypse is round the corner (as long as the GOP controls the house and senate), Bush is evil, we are stuck in Iraq (unless you vote for us -- we did and we are still "stuck"), people are dying because of Bush, there is rampant poverty and misery everywhere (unless you vote for us and we will magically solve poverty by raising the minimum wage-- which they didn't), Republicans are closet homos, Republicans are pedophiles, Republicans are evil, Republicans are evil, Republicans are evil ...ad inf.
This was their whole campaign. And like I said, pessimism and doom & gloom will work now and then but it will not win people over to you for good. Same with relationships.
Edited 6/12/2007 12:42 am ET by fruitedplain
Edited 6/11/2007 9:01 pm ET by fruitedplain
I will comment on that. Was he assuming that I was a Democrat, because I am non-partisan. Noone is absolutely one way on any thought or issue, Some things I am conservative on and somethings I am liberal.......
Trying to give someone advice while pushing your political agenda did undermind what you were saying "fruitedplain" Although I do agree it is about attitude.....
GT36
Edited 6/12/2007 11:52 am ET by japdiv
Yes, I have friends who are married with kids or divorced with kids......
So, they don't always have time for the "single gal" because they have families to raise...
My family members don't always lead the most positive lifestyle, so you must limit how much time you spend with them and when I do, I always end up babysitting.....
I love my job inspite of the issues and yet have become so consumed with work, I am not leaving enough time for rest or extra curricular activities.....
I love the autonomy of being single and the fact that I can absolutely do whatever I want...
I like to travel and go to museums and of course love shopping......
I do many things that I enjoy and I do have people that love me besides a significant other.......
I think I could feel better if I have had love and lost, but I have only loved one person who was using me for sex and was married......
Besides him, there has never been anyone else that loved me or I loved......
I have tried personal ads, set-ups, hook ups, internet dating, random meetings, you name it.... and I have tried it more than once, more than twice, more than three times...
Here's an example, the last guy that showed interest was a parent of one of my students....
He seemed very genuine and kind around his kid at least......
We exchanged numbers and what did I get, "I like to drink, party and I am a dog. I liked your @zz and wanted to get with you..."
Now, at 36 and wanting someone special in my life, this did not make me feel good....
When on the internet, I constantly was emailed by african men who "thought I was queen and wanted to meet me".....
Again, how dumb do I have to be, seriously.......
I go places and the room is full of single women and maybe 5 guys who are too scared to talk to someone.....
I know that I am worthy of all things and all types of love, I have the love of friends and family and it is evident......
There has to be something profoundly wrong with me or what I am doing to have never had ONE man, not one that even cared about me beyond screwing me......
It maybe my fault, but there are times when I just can't handle it.....
And other times I am glad so glad I am single.....
Thanks for all the great advice. I do appreciate it.
GT36
Hi, I see that you're African American. I've heard that the pickings are pretty slim for you beautiful, intelligent women, especially in your age group. Here's a thought: Have you ever thought about dating outside of your race? I'm not by any means trying to start a race war, but just trying to help. If there aren't any suitable black guys, maybe there's a nice Asian or white man or non black man that you could give some thought to. Don't ever limit yourself to just one race!
You are correct. What gets me though (this is just in general and in no way directed at you).....
Is that we are the only race who looks outside themselves for what we need......
I shouldn't have to consider other races of men, cause frankly many of them don't openly choose me....
However, if I don't consider them, I am almost guaranteed to spend my life alone.....
Frankly, I like black men better. (No disrespect is intended, just saying)
GT36
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