Tired of Dating and Dealing with it's Situations

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Tired of Dating and Dealing with it's Situations
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 12:34am

I have been single for 3 years now, I have gone on dates none worked out. I've tried the online dating where the person of choice is in another state and I am in another state but that never worked either. All I am getting or ever get is guys messaging me with photos of their penis or asking me if I would want to hook-up or do a friends with benefits thing or if I am bi or a lesbian or would be willing to do a threesome or have a threesome relationship etc. The list is endless really and yeah I know a lot of you have probably dealt with the same if not similar or weirder experiences.

Or I have dealt with the usual the guy says he is interested then never talks to me except the one time we really talked then he disappears, coming back way later to say he was still interested when he clearly was not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am only 26 years old I know I am young but I don't want to find my partner when I am 35 or 40 thats too old and we won't be able to live long and grow old together as long as if I had met them while I am still young.

I don't know anymore I am tired of trying to find someone, it seems like I won't be able to find anyone who meets what I am looking for. Another thing people keep bothering me about is the fact that I dislike and never want kids of my own. Who cares? Not everyone wants kids there is nothing wrong with that.

Also the fact that yes I am one a Virgin and how I should have sex now not wait until I am 30 or 35 or even 40. Who cares about sex? Sex causes a lot of problems, drama, diseases, pregnancy, etc. I would rather wait until I am married because to me it's what I want to do, and the right thing to do.

Again to me I am just tired of trying and just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010


Hi. Sorry to hear you are having such  a hard time. I always hated the dating process myself---so much effort, money and energy wasted on dead ends. It was also frustrating to see some others meet the love of their life early on and easily--e.g. standing in line at freshman orientation in college. I am a 50 year old man who didn't have my first serious relationship until age 28, didn't achieve satisfaction in a relationship until age 30, and didn't marry until age 44.

For people like us, it just isn't an easy process. All you can do is be patient, continue to look for love in sensible places, and make sure you are putting your best foot forward. It will happen sooner or later. Also, it is often darkest right before dawn. I had a particularly exasperating three years of singledom right before meeting my wife. We are now happily married 6 1/2 years.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010

Oh man that sucks but glad you found someone in the end. :) I hope I do t00.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I think online dating is just not for you so maybe you need to try new avenues of meeting people IRL.  I would not suggest trying to meet people from other states because that just puts an added layer of difficulty in there.  Where else do you go to meet people?  I know that dating is not easy but actually when you are in your 20's it's probably the easiest time as far as most people are still single, you don't have kids so it's easier to go out and you must have single friends to do things with.

I do see that you are seriously narrowing your dating field here by 2 things:  1st, you don't want kids--now I don't think that people should have kids if they don't want them, but if you want marriage but don't want kids, then that seriously narrows down the group of men to a much smaller group.  I think there are a lot of men in their late 20's, for example, who only really want to settle down and get married because they decided it's time to have a family.

Secondly, you also want to stay a virgin til you're married--I won't argue with that if that is your belief system--you certainly have a right to feel that way, but again, you are seriously narrowing down your selection of men because most 25 yr old men will not wait to have sex until they are married--therefore, I'd suggest that you look for men maybe around your church if you go to a more conservative church, where you might meet like minded people or go on a dating site (I know I'm contradicting myself about that) that caters more toward religious people where I assume they won't be sending you obscene pics or asking you for one-night stands.  Also when you say "who cares about sex?" well that is a very naive statement--sex is a basic human need that's necessary to continue the human race.  The sex drive is very strong, so maybe you also have a low sex drive.  I mean, I know people who would like to have sex but have decided not to do it when they are not married but that is different from not caring about having sex--if that is how you are, then that is also going to make you undesirable to most men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010

I don't have any in real life friends the 1 friend I do have has a boyfriend and is always coming to me crying about her drama lifestyle. And I am getting tired of hearing all about HER HER HE HER HER etc.

The other in real life friend just texts me all the time only never wanting to hang out or if she does hang out she stands me up.

And as for church and religious dating sites I have done the religious dating sites and those people are the same way. All they want is sex or sending me nude photos etc. OR they don't like that I listen to "Devil" "Evil" music or dislike that I cuss.

So again I am back at square one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'd say your first job then is to get real life friends.  I find it unusual to say the least that a single person your age doesn't have friends--my DD moved to a new state where she only knew 2 people a couple of years ago to get a new job and she was able to make many friends there.  So why do you think that you don't have friends?  Do you think there is something about you that turns people off? Maybe you are too judgmental of what everyone else is doing?  If you make girl friends then 1) you have people to go out and have fun with and 2) maybe they have friends who are guys, brothers, etc. and you will widen your social circle.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  You are your own worse enemy,.   You are putting way too much pressure on yourself.  Look there are men who are low sex drive and scared of sex.  However, not knowing your self and over thinking is destructive.    Yes a lot of people care about sex.  A lot of men are very wary of a women who says they are not interested or is giving off those vibes.   Most men have learned to trust those statements as fact and move on.

     Yes not wanting kids might be an issue if they want them.  But many men do not want kids they figure it comes with the territory.  To me this post give off unsure vibes.  To me it is like you are afraid  but underneath know some things but not others.  You made a decision not to have kids.  That is good to know. 

  Perhaps a therapist can help you solidify your core self.  Perhaps you are going into dating for the wrong reasons.  26 is young.  Consider your career.  Life happens when we a not looking.


Avatar for Agent_86
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
You're a virgin and don't care about sex because you don't know what you're missing.

And you're tired of trying? Seems you haven't tried at all.

Not knocking you, but pointing out how you're knocking everyone else, like Aesop's fox and the grapes, you're quitting before you even put in a good effort, then saying "Bah, the grapes were probably sour, anyway..."

Quit if you must. Everyone in the world agrees that quitting becomes the quitter. Or get back in the ring and fight the good fight - it's your fight, so show us all what you've got(not what you lack).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
you've gotten some good advice - finding friends is easier than you think if you look for situations where you can assimilate into a group - What do you like to do? What about joining some kind of team or group activity (bowling? softball?), if you're more of a geek at heart, what about going to places that have competitions and such (think comic book store, book stores, etc.)....coming from a strict religion when I was your age I understand how hard it is to find someone with similar thinking - at least if you can find friends, you will have a chance to get noticed and be introduced or "run into" dating/relationship opportunities. Good luck!