Too clingy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Too clingy
5
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 12:58am
Hi everyone! I'm new to these boards and am looking for a little advice. I haven't ever been in a serious relationship and the reason is because men get scared because I am deemed too clingy. It's not hard for me to get a man but keeping him seems to be the real struggle for me. For some reason, I always feel the need to always call constantly and generally feel very unstable in the relationship. How can I start to feel secure in the relationships without getting attached so soon? Also, I want to be someone who can feel secure being single and I definitely am not, I'm always looking for the next guy, because I'm never happy by myself. I want to be a happy, single woman, and if I happen to get into a relationship, I want to be independent still. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: singlchica
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:28am
I think for the time being it's about acting "as if" - our feelings are our feelings - we have the choice as to how to react. I think it is healthy not to talk every day even to a serious boyfriend - healthy to miss each other - if you call someone because you need assurance - once in a blue moon is one thing - meaning - once in two months or more, - but if more than that - what a turn off, at least to me. I can hear it in the voice and it scares me. Sure - calling just to say hi if you haven't spoken in a day or so - that's great - keep it short - two minutes - but subjecting a man to your need for reassurance - well, that's not fair, is it? Call your girlfriends when you have that urge and never tell him about that - no I do not believe that honesty in a relationship requires spilling your guts - honesty means when you choose to speak it is honest - a man doesn't need to know if you are insecure where he can do nothing to change it - meaning - if there is something specific he did or did not do then you approach it as the example - as in "when you don't call when you say you will, I get upset." But if you need someone to call you three times a day and to reassure you all the time - that's just not his obligation even if you're married - that's just my personal opinion. and a man who would go along with that - i would have to wonder about his emotional stability.

So, while you seek outside counseling or do inner work - act "as if" - do not give in to your insecurities or your "need" for a man in your life as opposed to a desire coming from stability and independence. These are just my thoughts - I know I come across "direct" and strong but I have been out there for a long time, know exactly how you feel and that probably affects my "tone" - best of luck to you!!

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: singlchica
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:37am
I understand your feelings of insecurity in a relationship, but I agree with Deena. When those feelings hit, call your girlfriends. They may get sick of hearing about it, but maybe they'll be able to help you take your mind off those feelings or perhaps might be able to reassure you. If you don't want to call them, then take some time and think about what could be causing the insecurity. If something in his behavior leads to those feelings, try to figure out if there's a pattern in that behavior. If so, maybe you should talk to the guy about what's bothering you. Otherwise, you really need to find some other way to become comfortable in your relationships. If you're always worried about where you stand, how can you even enjoy your time with the men you date?

I tend to have the opposite problem. If I feel insecure, I keep it to myself and don't address any potential problems. In my last relationship, I waited 6 months to bring up the issue of my insecurity. As it turned out, I had good reason to feel that way.

You need to find a middle ground between your approach and mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: singlchica
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:39am
fake it 'til you make it.

it's hard to "control" your feelings. they are what they are, right?

but you can disguise how you express them. eg. don't call every day. don't act jealous. don't restrict yourself to dating one guy until you mutually agree to an exclusive relationship. don't forsake your friends and other interests for him. etc.

"be yourself" has been one of the worst pieces of advice ever given, imho...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: singlchica
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:24pm
You already know the answer to your problem!! Give yourself some credit for being aware. You wrote, "Also, I want to be someone who can feel secure being single." So you KNOW you have to become secure with who you are...and to not NEED a guy. I have always been independant so its a little easier for me. But lets look at some practical examples:

- when you have a mechanical problem, do you TRY to fix it yourself or call a guy friend/family member?

- are you following your desired career/education goals?

- have you ever joined something or signed up for something by yourself that you may have thought was "beyond" you or you were too old for?

When you do things like above, you are showing your independance. You gain valuable senses of accomplishment and fulfillment. This leads to what I believe you are lacking: self worth. The understanding that you ARE a worthy woman...worthy of love and affection. If you understand and believe that with all your heart - you won't need reassurance. And you wont' allow men to mistreat you either :)

Good luck and welcome to the board, Go.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: singlchica
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 1:28pm
I don't think this is one of those things you can fix without counseling. You can't just "think yourself secure". Counseling will help you get at the roots of your insecurity and address them. Good luck!

Sheri