TOO Needy & Desperate?!? Too Late?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
TOO Needy & Desperate?!? Too Late?
6
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 7:46pm

<p>I met a man whos is 25, I am 38...we started talking online and then switched to text. He and I text from 7am to 1am everyday for a month. Then we finally met in person. We went out to dinner and then came to my place, one thing led to another and we had sex. He went home the next day and then the next day he was back texting, your so beautiful, I want u, I need u, I care about u, I miss u....and that went on for another couple of weeks. Then all of a sudden the calling slowed down to once a week, there would be 2 days between texting and I had of course noticed the change. I asked him several times and he never really replied with an answer. I chased him even more and texted and called, I panicked. As I pushed he ran. Then it got to the point of him not replying to all my messages and then ignoring me. I asked him and again no straight answer. I asked if he needed time and he never said yes, never did he say he wanted it to be over or leave him alone.</p><p><span style="line-height: 1.4;">Now, it is too the point he won't see me, he ignores most of my texts, and I feel like I am begging him just to talk. I will tell him I am done via text and he ignores it, then I try again the next day. I am acting needy and clingy...not healthy I know. If he would just tell me that is doesn't want this or it's over I would really be ok, the fact he isn't is killing me. I had a previous relationship that he ignored me and it devestated me. I sent him a text and said if u care about me then you will reply, I just want to talk to you. He replies and said he would call after work but then no call. He never follows thru. He says he will call and he will see me and doesn't, always a no show. But him replying shows he cares and he said he cares about me but my neediness crosses bounderies and I can't force yourself on me.&nbsp;</span><span style="line-height: 1.4;">I am not going to cut u off bcuz I do like u but u deserve better. Idk what that means though? I ask him to reply if he cares and he does but last nite I sent him a very mad text after he didn't call like he said he would. I text him again today and said I am asking once more to meet to talk, and that I won't bother him anymore....but he ignored all of my texts. Can this be saved? Can I redeem myself? I am ashamed of myself and how I have acted. I care alot about him and want it to work. What should I do?</span></p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 3:31pm

You need to learn about smart dating. Read some articles. Read the book, "Why Men Love B#$%^&." (A tongue in cheek title. Has mostly good dating advice in it.) To guage if a guy is a potential long term relationship kind of guy, stall having sex as long as possible (at least one month, or perhaps after at least the 4th date). Players won't have the patience to wait around. Long term guys are happy to get to know you before you want to become intimate. Let him make most of the effort at the beginning. Don't cling to guys who aren't compatible with you in how much you like to communicate and get together with. When I dated, I limited the age difference to 7 years. To me, it's better to be closer in age and at the same stage in life. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 6:16pm

Hi,

I like cfk's kind post.  You really need to not be hard on yourself, but also realize that this guy is showing you by his actions that he is not serious about you.  I think the age difference is not good also.......I'd posted recently about a guy in my building (yes, collective groan on the board!!) but he was 26 (I thought he was 28 but he lied) and I found that ultimately he was really idealistic and wanted "romance" without the accompanying understanding and caring for another person.  Although the age difference is not that much, a guy who is dating in his mid twenties often wants different things (e.g. a range of women to "date").........

I've been where you are many times........but please do what you can to stop texting him and focus on someone else.  He will just continue to break your heart......

At times I've even "hidden" my phone (not truly hidden, but out of plain sight) if I knew I was feeling vulnerable, because then that way you have to make a conscious effort to retrieve it and have a few minutes to think over "is this really a good idea?".....

Good luck......let this guy go.  It's hard to accept after 30/35, but there *will* be more men in your future, who will hopefully treat you with the respect you deserve.

Sincerely,

Mel :)

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 9:45pm

The beginning stages of dating are supposed to be fun and carefree.  I thnk when someone starts to smell desperation or neediness, it kind of takes the fun out of it.  All of us have places in our lives where we don't always exercise the best self control so don't beat yourself up over it.  You know it's a weakness of yours, that's the first step.  Next is figuring out why and working on It.  

I would let this ship sail.  I think in the end it would be best for you.  This guy could be playing some sick mind game for all we know or he could be one of those who cannot bring themselves to hurt someone's feelings, the list of reasons is endless but the point is, he hasn't treated you with the respect that you deserve.  Forget about him, move on, learn from the situation and bid the thought of him adieu :)  I know it's easier said than done but you can do it, I promise.  Don't give some little wimp control over your thoughts or self worth :)

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 9:44pm
I second what Music said. Leave him alone. It sounds like he's done with you, but doesn't want to say so because he might decide he wants sex again. I dated two different guys this summer who both texted/called a whole lot (to the point that it was too much for me) and then just disappeared. After the second ignored text, I just quit contacting one of them. The other one told me he was "really busy" and that's why I hadn't heard from him. That's when I stopped texting him. When they back off, they aren't interested enough to warrant us putting the energy into trying to salvage it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 8:52pm

Seriously, I can't be lieve that my whole long reply didn't post, so the shorter version is stop calling & texting him--you are smothering and men hate that.  Plus you can only know if a guy wants to be with you if you give him some space so that he can contact you on his own initiative.  If you are doing all the pursuing, you will never find that out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 8:50pm

I don't really think that this can be saved, but you really need to back off & stop texting or calling him at all!  If you ever read Mars and Venus on a Date (and some other books will say this too), the more you pursue a man, the more he will back off.  John Gray (the author) says that men are like elastics--if they like you, they still tend to go away a little and if you give them space, then they bounce back and will pursue you, but if you are doing all the pursing, he never gets the chance to decide for himself.  (Of course I am paraphrasing what he said).  I have experienced this myself in my own life.  As soon as I decide that I'm done with someone and aren't going to ever text or call the guy, that's when time will go by & he'll be coming after me.  Men really don't like women who are clingy & needy--and I really think the big age difference is not going to work either.