Off Topic.. (Married friends)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Off Topic.. (Married friends)
13
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 1:32pm

Hi everyone:

This might sound petty and jealous but I wanted to ask you guys how you feel about your married friends and all?

When I was growing up I had a best friend who lived across the street from me.. Many years ago she got married and moved to Florida with her husband and son. Well I hadnt spoken to her nor heard from her in years until last year. She found me on facebook.. Since that time we have been facebooking and chatting on the phone.. She always invites me to where she lives but since money is very tight I havent t hought about going yet..

When on facebook she chats or she calls me and she starts saying how her and her husband are doing this or that and how much fun they have and it all sounds like a great life.. Okay I am happy for her but here I sit all sad and alone hanging by a thread .. (yes that is dramatic but that is how I feel at times) Aging alone and living in a room. My friend has this nice house and garden and her life seems so great..with her house and her things and all of that and her dog...

I feel like I dont even want to talk to her anymore nor can I relate to her anymore...

It just makes me sad, mad and jealous ..

thanks

 

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 3:57pm

I'm not conveying anything that hasn't been conveyed here before but for the heck of it, I think the grass always seems a bit greener on the other side.  Nobody's life is picture perfect no matter how they may try to paint it.  I would suspect that there are times when my married friends envy my independence and even my solitude.  Most of them have elementary school aged kids now and they can't do anything on the fly any longer.  Anything they may try to plan has to be carefully choreographed with the hubby and most times, a sitter.  If I want to be absolutely selfish, I can and with little to no judgment.  Married individuals don't really have that freedom especially, if they are also parents.  Of course, there are some perks which come with both having a SO and having children so, it's not as if the envy only goes in one direction.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 4:37pm

I agree with CFK that the grass is always greener.  It doesn't bother me much to talk to my married friends, because I am sure that being married is just as challenging as being single.  I actually have a much harder time with a friend who has been rather "smug" lately.  She's single, so it's not about relationships, but she tends to brag about her other accomplishments (job, athletic pursuits, travel) and it's hard to be around her sometimes.  I get the feeling that she's looking down at me, not because I am single, but because I am less accomplished at the moment.

But if you are bothered by talking to your friend who is married, it might not be the right friendship for you right now.  Or perhaps you can direct the conversation towards topics that are more fun for you.  If being single bothers you, a good friend will listen to you vent about that.  If she's a good friend, don't be afraid to ask for what you need (a kind and gentle ear, or distraction, or advice...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 4:39pm

Most of the friends I hang out with are single just because when I'm wanting to go out somewhere on weekends, that's who is available.  The married friends are mostly the girls from high school who I don't see that much (my best friend from high school is divorced also).  My friends aren't rich or showing off but they are definitely in a much better financial situation having 2 incomes than I am.  I doubt any of them are sitting around wondering if they can pay their bills like I am.  However, money isn't the only thing.  I can give an example of one friend--both her DH & her DD had leukemia--the dad first, then the little girl.  They are both doing well now but it must have been years of stress & sadness.  And even though her DH recovered, it took a toll--she said she was so glad he got elected again to this government job because although he's a lawyer he probably couldn't handle a really stressful job--and he looks pretty old for his age.  I just think that everybody has their own stressful things, although some have more than others.  I was feeling pretty bad about myself and my finances today but at least I'm still living in my house, still have a job & not begging on the street for food, so I try to keep it allin perspective, which I know is hard sometimes.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 6:49pm
Personally, I think my married friends' lives sound boring. A few of them post everything they do on Facebook and I just think...THIS is post-worthy? THIS is what you're excited about? I do want to be married and have kids, but I really hope that cleaning out the closet never becomes the highlight of my day/week/life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 6:58pm

FreeAtLast,

In your situation you must keep in mind that you don't know her very well at all. People whom you don't know well tend to have the perfect life. I have married friends and as much as I want to marry, I don't envy them. Even when the couple get along and the kids are doing alright, there are always problem, be it money health, or jobs, whatever...

With very few exceptions, the majority of us don't have the perfect life. There's a cost for everything. Cost for being single, cost for being married, have kids, or no kids. You don't have to be married or have kids to be complete.   

I've come to accept that maybe this is my lot in life. Maybe I'm not meant to marry or have children. Which is OK too. What you can do is to make the best of your single life.  It's easier said than done b/c going through the daily drugery of life is hard. To manage each minute alone is hard. You can't find enough activities to occupy you 24/7 so this is one area I still need to work on. As I type this message, I know too this is an escape. I have a house to clean and a multitude of tasks to do but I tell myself I work hard all week. This is actually a rare weekend I have free.  So I go on Ivillage, I call people on the phone, I get on facebook. It's an escape but it gets me through the day. What you need to keep in mind is it's but a cycle, the sun will come out again, I go back to work tomorrow but soon will go home again. Life is not permanent, good things are not permanent but neither are bad things.

Yes, I've thought about aging alone but you need to prepare for that. YOu have siblings, if not then close friends. Time to build and nurture those relationships so hopefully you won't be alone later on. You will find a way. Even when you're married, your spouse may die long before you do, your children may not visit you as much as you like.  Such is the nature of life.  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 8:10pm

As someone who has been married & had kids, I can tell you that a lot of times it just is boring.  Before you have kids, it could be like having a permanent weekend date--of course if you have money to do things.  But when the kids are small, your life really has to revolve around them.  You work, you take care of kids & it's tiring--on weekends you have to do chores around the house, errands and still take care of the kids.  If you're lucky you can get a babysitter and go out, or when they are a little older, doing family things with the kids can be fun too.  But it's definitely not non-stop excitement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:10pm

thanks everyone..

I think soconfused has the right idea . I think my friend and I are just  not in the same space right now.. and I think she is very happy and that her life is great. I dont think that is not real .. Oh; and I have known her since I was a kid in grammar school and have been her friend on and off since that time.. so I do know her very well. We were the bestest of friends for a very long time until she moved to Fla. ..

Anyway;; I am fine when I am with my single people and divorced people and when I hang out with other people who are in same boat as me but when I see the marrieds with their houses and yes music dual incomes and all of that I get depressed.  I am also fine when I go out alone and just have to deal with myself..

Reminds me of that saying stick to your own kind.. or I dont hob knob with people who shop in nice places or eat in upscale restaurants.. I eat at Joe;s crabshack and shop at TJ Maxx. It doesnt bother me and I dont mind any of it but when other people start talking about how great their lives are and where they shop and eat it kind of starts getting to me..

There must be a lesson in here somewhere.

thanks guys

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:42pm

I definitely couldn't see you hanging out with the bragadocious type.  You're way too grounded.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:25pm

ha ha thanks CFK... I do think I am very down to earth and when I see or talk to the bragging type I want to tell them to write me a check so that I can give it to the poor people or give it up for Hurricane Relief..

The main issue here is that I live in an area where its pretty sort of kinda snobby and arrogant..because of the way most people live around here.. The homes are big and so are the cars and on weekends you will see lots of people in upscale restaurants with valet parking.. wearing their designer shoes and bags.. Not that I do any of that cause I cant afford it but I am surrounded by it.. and reminded of it on a daily basis. Its just too hard to ignore. I remember Marina always saying that about Calif.. Well NY is like that also..

Even if you are poor here in NY its a sort of high class kind of poor if you know what I mean..

I mean just tonight when I was taking a walk people were throwing out perfectly good items like glass doors and all in their trash. i felt like taking the glass and waiting in line at the salvage center and getting money for it.. Only thing how would I get these items into my small car. (lol)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:29am

Most of my friends are married or have live-in-partners, and there is a difference between them. All of them have kids, and are very busy with them and their husband. Some of them seem to have forgotten that I exist and I rarely hear from them anymore. I do of course contact them myself every once in a while, but the correspondance stops rather fast. They were my closest friends before, one of them was a long-term singleton like me and we were so alike in every aspect. Somehow I feel (and perhaps they feel?) we have nothing in common anymore, but that cannot be true - it is just that they have families and I don´t. The personalities are surely the same?

Then again I have other married friends with kids, who are interested in keeping in touch often and also have time to see me. Not only on FB or by text. Many times they initiate meetings themselves, even without planning beforehand - it is so nice! I really appreciate that, and I let them know that I do. :-)

So, there is a huge difference. Or, as my mother puts it - it is a matter of priority. Thankfully, I also have a couple of single friends. But I really miss all "my girls"! We had so much fun and so much to talk about....not just about kids and family stuff. It was great last Saturday when one of my best gf´s had contacted me a few days before and asked if I would meet her. For once she came without her daughter and fiance, and we had such a good time talking over a cup of coffee and then going for a few hours of shopping, trying on clothes... :-) I´d like more of that. She thanked me later that evening on FB for a nice day, so I think she appreciated it just as much as I did.

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