Off Topic.. (Married friends)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Off Topic.. (Married friends)
13
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 1:32pm

Hi everyone:

This might sound petty and jealous but I wanted to ask you guys how you feel about your married friends and all?

When I was growing up I had a best friend who lived across the street from me.. Many years ago she got married and moved to Florida with her husband and son. Well I hadnt spoken to her nor heard from her in years until last year. She found me on facebook.. Since that time we have been facebooking and chatting on the phone.. She always invites me to where she lives but since money is very tight I havent t hought about going yet..

When on facebook she chats or she calls me and she starts saying how her and her husband are doing this or that and how much fun they have and it all sounds like a great life.. Okay I am happy for her but here I sit all sad and alone hanging by a thread .. (yes that is dramatic but that is how I feel at times) Aging alone and living in a room. My friend has this nice house and garden and her life seems so great..with her house and her things and all of that and her dog...

I feel like I dont even want to talk to her anymore nor can I relate to her anymore...

It just makes me sad, mad and jealous ..

thanks

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 4:39pm
You never know what people owe on their credit cards....you never know who is being abused behind closed doors...who is worried that their kid is on drugs or their teenager will end up with a child...one thing I like about Ivillage is the viewpoints it gives me on all kinds of women and their lives...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 7:48am

Hi,

First of all, I'd like to say that I really appreciate and admire the positivity everyone has expressed here on the board about being single.  There are definitely some perks to it and being married with kids I'm sure is not always as picture perfect as it seems.  But, people do have a way of posting these things on FB that make their lives seem picturesque......

There are definitely advantages to being single......for example, I like my time on my own and would have a really hard time having to drop kids off at daycare, etc. and pick them up while working a full time job (just being honest - I see many women doing this and I imagine it makes for an extremely long day).

I think the main thing that my married friends take for granted though is the financial security that comes along with either one or both of you having a good full time job.  I know a couple of people who are SAHMs and you seem them posting about their latest vacation (??? how much must it cost to travel with kids ???) and another who posts "nights out" where she goes in a limo.....Another friend of mine too got laid off but had a vacation booked.......here she is unemployed and posting pictures of herself in a tropical destination with palm trees, etc. at a resort........

If I sound jealous and bitter........I guess I am in that regard.  I know being single you have to appreciate the opportunities you have that much more, but I think for some married wives the concept of scraping by month to month or just plain not being able to afford things doesn't come into the picture.......and frequent holidays seem to be the norm.

That is just the people I know and see on FB, etc.......I'm sure though that there are many married couples out there struggling as well.......

Mel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 7:11pm

I know what you mean by comparison to others.  The people I work with (except my clueless boss) are just regular working people, like one of the girls will come in and be proud if she bought a dress for $5 in the after Christmas sale.  I joined a women's group a couple of years ago and although the women there are very nice, they are older, mostly married (I forgot if I mentioned that before) and they are definitely well off.  They aren't trying to brag but a few of them have a winter place in florida, they are going on vacations all the time, or I've been to a couple of their houses and they are just so much nicer than mine that I would be embarrassed to have anyone over.  So I feel bad that I can't do all that stuff, esp. travel.  Even my friend who makes over $100,000 is complaining that she has no money to go anywhere, which is kind of ridiculous but I know she is paying some of her son's college loans.  She has a very  nice house, so probably a very big mortgage too--otherwise she' not that extravagant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:29am

Most of my friends are married or have live-in-partners, and there is a difference between them. All of them have kids, and are very busy with them and their husband. Some of them seem to have forgotten that I exist and I rarely hear from them anymore. I do of course contact them myself every once in a while, but the correspondance stops rather fast. They were my closest friends before, one of them was a long-term singleton like me and we were so alike in every aspect. Somehow I feel (and perhaps they feel?) we have nothing in common anymore, but that cannot be true - it is just that they have families and I don´t. The personalities are surely the same?

Then again I have other married friends with kids, who are interested in keeping in touch often and also have time to see me. Not only on FB or by text. Many times they initiate meetings themselves, even without planning beforehand - it is so nice! I really appreciate that, and I let them know that I do. :-)

So, there is a huge difference. Or, as my mother puts it - it is a matter of priority. Thankfully, I also have a couple of single friends. But I really miss all "my girls"! We had so much fun and so much to talk about....not just about kids and family stuff. It was great last Saturday when one of my best gf´s had contacted me a few days before and asked if I would meet her. For once she came without her daughter and fiance, and we had such a good time talking over a cup of coffee and then going for a few hours of shopping, trying on clothes... :-) I´d like more of that. She thanked me later that evening on FB for a nice day, so I think she appreciated it just as much as I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:25pm

ha ha thanks CFK... I do think I am very down to earth and when I see or talk to the bragging type I want to tell them to write me a check so that I can give it to the poor people or give it up for Hurricane Relief..

The main issue here is that I live in an area where its pretty sort of kinda snobby and arrogant..because of the way most people live around here.. The homes are big and so are the cars and on weekends you will see lots of people in upscale restaurants with valet parking.. wearing their designer shoes and bags.. Not that I do any of that cause I cant afford it but I am surrounded by it.. and reminded of it on a daily basis. Its just too hard to ignore. I remember Marina always saying that about Calif.. Well NY is like that also..

Even if you are poor here in NY its a sort of high class kind of poor if you know what I mean..

I mean just tonight when I was taking a walk people were throwing out perfectly good items like glass doors and all in their trash. i felt like taking the glass and waiting in line at the salvage center and getting money for it.. Only thing how would I get these items into my small car. (lol)

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:42pm

I definitely couldn't see you hanging out with the bragadocious type.  You're way too grounded.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 9:10pm

thanks everyone..

I think soconfused has the right idea . I think my friend and I are just  not in the same space right now.. and I think she is very happy and that her life is great. I dont think that is not real .. Oh; and I have known her since I was a kid in grammar school and have been her friend on and off since that time.. so I do know her very well. We were the bestest of friends for a very long time until she moved to Fla. ..

Anyway;; I am fine when I am with my single people and divorced people and when I hang out with other people who are in same boat as me but when I see the marrieds with their houses and yes music dual incomes and all of that I get depressed.  I am also fine when I go out alone and just have to deal with myself..

Reminds me of that saying stick to your own kind.. or I dont hob knob with people who shop in nice places or eat in upscale restaurants.. I eat at Joe;s crabshack and shop at TJ Maxx. It doesnt bother me and I dont mind any of it but when other people start talking about how great their lives are and where they shop and eat it kind of starts getting to me..

There must be a lesson in here somewhere.

thanks guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 8:10pm

As someone who has been married & had kids, I can tell you that a lot of times it just is boring.  Before you have kids, it could be like having a permanent weekend date--of course if you have money to do things.  But when the kids are small, your life really has to revolve around them.  You work, you take care of kids & it's tiring--on weekends you have to do chores around the house, errands and still take care of the kids.  If you're lucky you can get a babysitter and go out, or when they are a little older, doing family things with the kids can be fun too.  But it's definitely not non-stop excitement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 6:58pm

FreeAtLast,

In your situation you must keep in mind that you don't know her very well at all. People whom you don't know well tend to have the perfect life. I have married friends and as much as I want to marry, I don't envy them. Even when the couple get along and the kids are doing alright, there are always problem, be it money health, or jobs, whatever...

With very few exceptions, the majority of us don't have the perfect life. There's a cost for everything. Cost for being single, cost for being married, have kids, or no kids. You don't have to be married or have kids to be complete.   

I've come to accept that maybe this is my lot in life. Maybe I'm not meant to marry or have children. Which is OK too. What you can do is to make the best of your single life.  It's easier said than done b/c going through the daily drugery of life is hard. To manage each minute alone is hard. You can't find enough activities to occupy you 24/7 so this is one area I still need to work on. As I type this message, I know too this is an escape. I have a house to clean and a multitude of tasks to do but I tell myself I work hard all week. This is actually a rare weekend I have free.  So I go on Ivillage, I call people on the phone, I get on facebook. It's an escape but it gets me through the day. What you need to keep in mind is it's but a cycle, the sun will come out again, I go back to work tomorrow but soon will go home again. Life is not permanent, good things are not permanent but neither are bad things.

Yes, I've thought about aging alone but you need to prepare for that. YOu have siblings, if not then close friends. Time to build and nurture those relationships so hopefully you won't be alone later on. You will find a way. Even when you're married, your spouse may die long before you do, your children may not visit you as much as you like.  Such is the nature of life.  

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 6:49pm
Personally, I think my married friends' lives sound boring. A few of them post everything they do on Facebook and I just think...THIS is post-worthy? THIS is what you're excited about? I do want to be married and have kids, but I really hope that cleaning out the closet never becomes the highlight of my day/week/life.

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