trying to be more open-minded but...
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| Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:28pm |
I started dating a really terrific guy who I think has a lot of potential. Good heart, wants a relationship, good character, however, I'm starting to wonder if we can really make each other happy in the long run. I'm trying not to be picky but I guess that once you've been single for a while and over 30 it gets harder to compromise and change your life and interests around for someone else. I was talking with him this weekend and I know that he likes to snowboard but he said this weekend that once the slopes are open he'll be heading out there a lot with his buddies-- I get the feeling that it's a ritual he's been doing for a long time, maybe even almost every winter weekend. From the way he talked about it, he may even expect me to join in on this with him and try out snowboarding or at least go with him to the resort to go skiing, which I've done but I'm not totally in love with and would be fine with doing maybe a few times the whole season.
Anyway, the truth is, there is no way in hell that I'm spending my entire winter at a ski resort with this guy. I have ZERO interest in doing that. However, I don't know if he's up for compromising on it. It seems that he's sort of a man's man in certain ways and likes to do a lot of things with his friends-- snowboarding, watching sports, getting drinks with his buddies after work at the local pub-- and I'm just so not into those things and I'm not sitting around on my rear waiting for someone to come home or find time to spend with me because he has these rituals.
Other than that, I do like him a lot. He has been good about making time for our first few dates but I'm bracing for what the winter will bring, I guess you could say.
Also, over the past few years I've had an idea in my mind of the kind of guy I'm looking for, and a sports fanatic has never been at the top of my list. I know a lot of women can handle that kind of guy and just stay quiet while he goes to play his games with friends or watch ESPN, but I don't know, they're not really the kind of guys I've dated and I never saw that kind of person in my life.
At the same time, I obviously haven't found a great relationship looking for the kind of guys I've always wanted-- more intellectual, not focused on sports, lower-keyed personailities, well-educated-- so when I decided to go out with this guy, I did it with the idea that I should try out someone completely new who isn't exactly what I have been searching for. The strategy worked-- I met this guy and I'm glad I gave him a chance because he has been great so far and we do have other things in common and he seems like he's very interested and wants to give this a fair shot-- however, I wonder that if in the long run this will really be the best thing for me. I don't know if I should give it more time and be more flexible. or just stick with seeking out what I've always wanted? Of course in the past I've had substantial relationships with guys who had other interests, but they were interests I was fine with sharing in, like politics or hiking. I can't see myself sharing in this new guy's interests and if I did, I would be faking it.

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Girl, you are getting WAY too far ahead of yourself!!!
Be thankful if that's all you have to fake.
(j/k)
Edited 10/2/2007 9:26 pm ET by capegirardeau
I don't think it's necessarily that I'm getting too ahead of myself, I think it's that in a more general sense I don't know how much I'm willing to compromise for someone else to such an extent. My married friends always talk about the need to compromise and be open in order to make a marriage work. What I'm starting to wonder at times is how far am I really willing to go to make a relationship work? Am I willing to alter my life in such a way that I end up spending my free time doing something I don't love, doing something completely out of character, in order to make someone else happy-- and in the long run, to get married and have kids? I have my own interests but I don't think they are life-consuming where SOMEONE ELSE would have to rearrange their lives in order to accommodate me and be with me. Let's say, I like to bake a lot-- it doesn't mean that someone else now has to give up their weekends because I like to make cookies and cakes and lock themselves in the kitchen with me for three days. Maybe my interests have just always been a little easier to manage than other people's. I just wonder that if someone has interests that are larger than life-- and also expensive-- they may need to find someone who shares that exact interest so there won't be fights over how money and time are spent. I once dated someone for a few months who had a very expensive hobby--it was so expensive that he confessed that he couldn't afford to buy food that week and had to put his groceries on his credit card because he blew his remaining money on his hobby. There's no way I could live with anyone who did that.
I just really see the time I've spent getting to know this guy as a chance to come to a realization about myself and how far I want to go to make a relationship work and after this conversation with him I thought to myself, not THAT far. I've been to ski resorts a few times, and quite frankly I already know I don't want to go to them all winter long. I'd get tired and annoyed if I had to, and eventually resentful. However, if he was very interested in spending time and money touring wineries or opening a restaurant, sure, I'd be on board for that and being a part of it.
It sounds to me like you're looking for a reason not to date him- to push him away.
Why would you have to share this new guy's interests? You could stay in town and do your things, while he skis with his friends and does his.
Hi Nancy! I can totally see where you are coming from and I think it's good that you are noticing these things upfront. If he truly loves going to snowboard all the time and that's not what you are looking for, it's good that you haven't thought "maybe he'll change" or "how can I learn to be okay with it" - if he truly wanted to build a relationship he wouldn't have declared already to expect that he'll be going with his buddies as soon as the slopes open!
I have a real distain for the place we all are at this age. On one hand we are independent and self-sufficient and it's to be valued and admired that we can exist without a man in our lives. But just as we've been busy learning to be self-sufficient and independent... the guys have been busy honing their bachelor skills and now after years of meeting after work for drinks with the guys, or going out with buddies to ball games, playing ball, watching sports... etc. They are hard press for letting go of all that. Whereas, my feeling is I want a MAN - not a boy. And sure my BF goes to his buddies house every Sunday to watch football and during the spring, summer and fall he plays ball 2 nights a week and golfs and goes to baseball games... he still does alot in my opinion - but it's the result of compromise - and I'm sure he'd LOVE to go play in a softball tournament on the first beautiful Saturday in the spring but he knows *I* look forward to that day too - so we go bike riding together! I know that's a compromise on his part.
As you continue to date Mr. might be right... look for signs... is he ready to step up to the plate and be the man who is going to take care of his family and build a home with you - or is he going to continue to worry if he's getting enough slope time!?
Good luck and let us know how it goes! :)
Believe it or not, I think I'd much rather deal with someone who went hunting a few times a year and didn't expect me to join in either, instead of dealing with my current situation. I would have no issue with someone going away for a weekend to hunt a few times-- I have relatives who do that and are in happy marriages. For them, it's a hobby, not an all-encompassing activity that will determine how much their girlfriend/spouse will see them for several months, and in the end, impacts the relationship and whether or not it will last. I like to go to spa resorts with my friends sometimes, but I think a guy would probably dump me if I did it every single weekend and I demanded that he come along, especially if he had no interest in golfing which seems to be the primary "male" activity offered at some of these places.
"On one hand we are independent and self-sufficient and it's to be valued and admired that we can exist without a man in our lives. But just as we've been busy learning to be self-sufficient and independent... the guys have been busy honing their bachelor skills and now after years of meeting after work for drinks with the guys, or going out with buddies to ball games, playing ball, watching sports... etc. They are hard press for letting go of all that."
I agree, and that reminds me of the last guy I briefly dated. We went out for about a month and it didn't last very long because he was always going on weekend trips to visit friends and the relationship wasn't getting what it needed to get off the ground so it pretty much faded away I guess you could say. The guy was about 35 and I think he was very set in his bachelor ways. He fit me into his schedule during the week but the bulk of his free time was spent on the road and when he travelled he didn't even bother calling or texting to say hello so eventually I became apathetic and didn't mind letting it go. Years ago I would have felt rejected, now I just think, they prefer their single life with their buddies and it's their right, so god bless and do what you what to do.
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