trying to be more open-minded but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
trying to be more open-minded but...
27
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:28pm

I started dating a really terrific guy who I think has a lot of potential. Good heart, wants a relationship, good character, however, I'm starting to wonder if we can really make each other happy in the long run. I'm trying not to be picky but I guess that once you've been single for a while and over 30 it gets harder to compromise and change your life and interests around for someone else. I was talking with him this weekend and I know that he likes to snowboard but he said this weekend that once the slopes are open he'll be heading out there a lot with his buddies-- I get the feeling that it's a ritual he's been doing for a long time, maybe even almost every winter weekend. From the way he talked about it, he may even expect me to join in on this with him and try out snowboarding or at least go with him to the resort to go skiing, which I've done but I'm not totally in love with and would be fine with doing maybe a few times the whole season.

Anyway, the truth is, there is no way in hell that I'm spending my entire winter at a ski resort with this guy. I have ZERO interest in doing that. However, I don't know if he's up for compromising on it. It seems that he's sort of a man's man in certain ways and likes to do a lot of things with his friends-- snowboarding, watching sports, getting drinks with his buddies after work at the local pub-- and I'm just so not into those things and I'm not sitting around on my rear waiting for someone to come home or find time to spend with me because he has these rituals.

Other than that, I do like him a lot. He has been good about making time for our first few dates but I'm bracing for what the winter will bring, I guess you could say.

Also, over the past few years I've had an idea in my mind of the kind of guy I'm looking for, and a sports fanatic has never been at the top of my list. I know a lot of women can handle that kind of guy and just stay quiet while he goes to play his games with friends or watch ESPN, but I don't know, they're not really the kind of guys I've dated and I never saw that kind of person in my life.

At the same time, I obviously haven't found a great relationship looking for the kind of guys I've always wanted-- more intellectual, not focused on sports, lower-keyed personailities, well-educated-- so when I decided to go out with this guy, I did it with the idea that I should try out someone completely new who isn't exactly what I have been searching for. The strategy worked-- I met this guy and I'm glad I gave him a chance because he has been great so far and we do have other things in common and he seems like he's very interested and wants to give this a fair shot-- however, I wonder that if in the long run this will really be the best thing for me. I don't know if I should give it more time and be more flexible. or just stick with seeking out what I've always wanted? Of course in the past I've had substantial relationships with guys who had other interests, but they were interests I was fine with sharing in, like politics or hiking. I can't see myself sharing in this new guy's interests and if I did, I would be faking it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 12:26pm

Ok--it sounds like you're looking for a reason for this not to work and you've found it.


I'm just saying--waiting and seeing how the winter actually *transpires* before you pull the plug wouldn't be a bad idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 12:32pm

Exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 1:54pm

I have to agree with Sheri it sounds like you are looking for a reason to end this because you are saying now he's DEMANDING you do this with him. Maybe he just wants to share it with you thinking you might enjoy something that you've never tried before, I know people who hate to ski but try snowboarding and absolutely LOVE IT and nobody says you have to go with him. So he goes snowboarding with his friends on the weekends, so let him. Stay home. Nobody is making you go why get all bent out of shape over something that hasn't even happened yet.


Why not cross that bridge when you come to it??? Does it mean you will NEVER see him during the week? Does it mean that you are going to become a snowboard widow? Do you live thousands of miles away from the mountains, I mean the mountains are literally 20 mins from my house so for someone to go snowboarding on the weekends by me it's not that big of a deal and they are home in the early evening so it's not like he couldn't go out snowboarding during the day with his friends and home to do something with you in the evening.


So my opinion is don't get bent before its an issue.



Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 1:56pm
It's not that I'm talking myself out of this relationship either. The truth is I've already been the idiot "wait-around" girlfriend where I let a guy's interests dominate my life. In past relationships, instead of spending a saturday doing something I'd rather do like go to the beach or visit a museum, I was the sidekick hanging out at the computer store while the guy browsed new hardware and programs and tried out new toys, then roaming the mall alone when he was done. I'm sick of being that girl who's dragged around wasting my precious time away. And the amazing thing is, after being so accommodating and not ignoring the red flags of self-centeredness, guess who got dumped? Me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 3:36pm
>>Anyway, the truth is, there is no way in hell that I'm spending my entire winter at a ski resort with this guy. I have ZERO interest in doing that. <<

Do you live in Colorado? I feel like 90% of the guys here are like this - and that they are looking for activity partners rather than partners for life. I'm like you, I ski once in awhile, but it would make me crazy to go up there every single weekend and never do anything else.

So, I don't have an answer for you. Just commiserating

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 6:53pm

I think you missed my point!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 8:19pm
Ah, I see. Maybe he'll actually end up enjoying time with a girlfriend as much as hanging out with the buddies. I guess that I just get concerned because people, including myself, could be very set in their ways beyond 30 and I've been down this road already. Only time will tell, but I've decided that I'm going to proceed with caution and not devote a lot of my own time and energy into it until I see that he's willing to do the same as well. There seem to be a lot of eternal bachelors my age out there who enjoy a girlfriend for the occasional dinner and sex but still prefer the single life with the buddies over anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 8:37pm

I'm on the east coast, so it's not like we're right next door to the mountains really either and I could just peel away when i want to.

At this point I've been "seeing" this guy for about a month now and I think I just really need to figure it out. I've seen too many of my single friends being dragged along in these touch and go relationships where the guy has this whole other life on the side that he keeps the woman completely separate from, ie, they go out with these guys maybe once, twice and month waiting to see if there's a future and because there's no one else on the horizon for them they stick with the lousy undefined relationship. Of course I totally believe in maintaining who you are when dating/getting married, I mean to not do so only creates bigger problems down the road and no one shares everything in common and needs private time. Anyway, I'm going off on a completely different subject here, but it all just goes back to being able to actually share your life with someone, or at least share like 80% percent of it let's say in a good relationship.

I know some people out there disagree with this book but Greg Behrendt had a good point in "He's Just Not That Into You" about men who are always away or on the road-- that they enjoy getting away because it keeps them from getting into anything too serious. I think that could also apply to guys who are consistently glued to a group of friends and/or a certain activity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 8:37pm

Are you expecting the "right man" to give up his interests for you?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 9:14pm

That's exactly why I like younger guys!