trying to be more open-minded but...
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| Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:28pm |
I started dating a really terrific guy who I think has a lot of potential. Good heart, wants a relationship, good character, however, I'm starting to wonder if we can really make each other happy in the long run. I'm trying not to be picky but I guess that once you've been single for a while and over 30 it gets harder to compromise and change your life and interests around for someone else. I was talking with him this weekend and I know that he likes to snowboard but he said this weekend that once the slopes are open he'll be heading out there a lot with his buddies-- I get the feeling that it's a ritual he's been doing for a long time, maybe even almost every winter weekend. From the way he talked about it, he may even expect me to join in on this with him and try out snowboarding or at least go with him to the resort to go skiing, which I've done but I'm not totally in love with and would be fine with doing maybe a few times the whole season.
Anyway, the truth is, there is no way in hell that I'm spending my entire winter at a ski resort with this guy. I have ZERO interest in doing that. However, I don't know if he's up for compromising on it. It seems that he's sort of a man's man in certain ways and likes to do a lot of things with his friends-- snowboarding, watching sports, getting drinks with his buddies after work at the local pub-- and I'm just so not into those things and I'm not sitting around on my rear waiting for someone to come home or find time to spend with me because he has these rituals.
Other than that, I do like him a lot. He has been good about making time for our first few dates but I'm bracing for what the winter will bring, I guess you could say.
Also, over the past few years I've had an idea in my mind of the kind of guy I'm looking for, and a sports fanatic has never been at the top of my list. I know a lot of women can handle that kind of guy and just stay quiet while he goes to play his games with friends or watch ESPN, but I don't know, they're not really the kind of guys I've dated and I never saw that kind of person in my life.
At the same time, I obviously haven't found a great relationship looking for the kind of guys I've always wanted-- more intellectual, not focused on sports, lower-keyed personailities, well-educated-- so when I decided to go out with this guy, I did it with the idea that I should try out someone completely new who isn't exactly what I have been searching for. The strategy worked-- I met this guy and I'm glad I gave him a chance because he has been great so far and we do have other things in common and he seems like he's very interested and wants to give this a fair shot-- however, I wonder that if in the long run this will really be the best thing for me. I don't know if I should give it more time and be more flexible. or just stick with seeking out what I've always wanted? Of course in the past I've had substantial relationships with guys who had other interests, but they were interests I was fine with sharing in, like politics or hiking. I can't see myself sharing in this new guy's interests and if I did, I would be faking it.

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Are you expecting the "right man" to give up his interests for you?
All I and most of the other posters are
"I don't see where she thinks this guy needs to give up his interest or not be who he is... I think she's weighing whether she'll be able to have a relationship that she wants with him based on the information he's giving her, that's rather intelligent I think."
Exactly. I'm also on the lookout for what'd I'd call "toxic obsessions" masked as "interests," ie, someone who is financially irresponsible because they want to do what they want to do despite their means and what might be rational/reasonable. I mean, imagine getting deeply involved with someone who spent every other paycheck on their hobby only to tell you, sorry, no real dates for a month cuz I needed a new motorbike honey because me and the boys wanna do some road trips-- that I had to charge on my credit card (because he really can't afford this anyway, but life's short, right?)
I've been there, done that. It's a troublig situation, and eventually gets to be quite boring as well. It was enlightening to look in an ex-boyfriend's empty fridge ten years ago and ask him if he ever goes food shopping. It wasn't that he didn't like to cook-- he blew his whole paycheck on a fancy laptop he really, really wanted oh so badly. He had no money for food.
Or, down the road, "sorry, but we can't afford a new car or a vacation for the next year because I'd rather go in with the guys on renting a fancy cabin near the mountains."
My cousin's ex-husband behaved that way and they'd have fights because she wanted to spend money on their son, not her husband's expensive hobbies. Note he is now her "ex" husband. And he was a man with interests-- many, many interests than changed at the drop of a hat. I'm sure she thought he was some sort of fascinating renaissance man at first with a really interesting life.
As far as I'm concerned those guys should stay single. My ex did stuff like this and when I put two and two together I shouldn't have been surprised when he told me that he's not interested in marriage, "not now, maybe never." While I was saving up to buy an apartment, he was buying every toy in the Apple store to fuel his great interest in technology.
They say you should learn from your past relationships... and that's what I'm trying to do now. Of course I'm not asking him to give up anything. I'm asking myself to just be really careful and make sure I don't end up changing my life for the worse- emotionally, and financially.
Do you honestly not see how much projection and assumption you're engaging in here?
I agree with Sheri and the rest of the camp that says wait and see and it sounds like she's predicting a possible breakup based on something that has ye tto come to pass.
Also, I don't believe that is one chooses to main their interests
hun, I don't care to argue with you so this will be the last of what I have to say.
I think it's funny how this post has become others trying to argue with me when that's not what the post is about (apparently everyone must carry the same idea of how to interact in a relationship and I stepped out of the box). Just because I give different advice (which I never said she shouldn't give it a little more time) you want to try to contradict me, que cira cira! This post wasn't about what I think about women and how they get set in their ways... now, was it?
Petty and immature. My response was purely a different perspective and I stand by my individual thought.
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