Ugh :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Ugh :P
43
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 1:52am
Today has been rough. My "best" friend and I had plans for her to come over my house for lunch, but she was supposed to get back to me on the time and other details. I never heard from her. She has blown me off the last 3 times we tried to get together, and there were other issues I won't go into here, so this morning I ended our friendship. Then tonight I went to a birthday party of another friend, and I was feeling lonely so I dressed up, hoping to meet someone. But everyone at the party was either married or gay. I ended up drinking too much and leaving early to go home and wallow. I'm in the mood where I want to text every ex and tell him off. At least I didn't drink enough to do that. I did type one text, but I stopped myself right before hitting send. Ha, is it sad that I consider that evidence of my growth? Six months ago I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Little steps of progress, I guess. I think I've been single for waaaay to long - it's making me crazy and bitter. I think I need some single friends my own age, but their hard to find. It's not like I can put a profile online or pick one up in a bar. How does one find friends as an adult, anyway?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
In reply to: gleannfia
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 9:51pm

cfk, to be honest , until I turned 40, I was very shy and self-conscious.  Then, something changed.  That is one of the plusses of getting older.

I usually am reading emails or news on my smartphone, or looking at the tv (I often sit in the bar part.) Or, I get the local free alternative weekly paper (most cities have one) and read that.  I feel very comfortable, and it's great.  I don't get as many raised eyebrows for dining alone as I did in the 1990s and early 2000s.  I think women dining alone is far more common than it used to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Re: Ugh :P
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 10:00pm

I think there are more of us who are loners than will admit to it  When most people think of a "loner" they visualize a skulking shadow character like Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy. I have excellent social skills and am comfortable with every demographic, yet I need lots of time alone.  I need my family more than anyone else. As cynical as this sounds, I have found many people in this society to be toxic, so I am very selective about who I spend time with.  I will be the first to admit that that attitude doesn't help me in dating.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Re: Ugh :P
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 10:21pm

Yes I am.  That is who I am.  I love to shop by myself and not have to be concerned about someone else.  Now that I have gone  past having to have a "girlfriend" It is much more easy.  Yes I like company is certain situations.  I prefer women as friends. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
In reply to: jilliansway
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 1:56pm

Wow, some great discussions! I like to be alone a lot, too, but I also have difficulty being alone in public. I envy those who can eat at a restaurant by themselves and not feel self conscious. I will sit at coffee shops by myself, because I'm a writer, and in that type of environment it is more accepted. However, I do feel like a loser whenever I see people sitting together and having a good time. It makes me feel very lonely.

To the poster who said to send the gay men her way, I laughed out loud at that, because I also wanted a gay bestie for a long time. In fact, the only reason I was introduced to this particular group was because I'd mentioned to a straight mutual acquaintance that I wanted to go to a gay bar and he invited me to a get together at one. However, I have not managed to become any closer than an acquaintence to the people in this group. I seem to keep myself at arms length because I'm shy and I think deep down I can't imagine why anyone would want to be my friend. I know it's a self esteem thing and I need to just get over it, or just accept the fact that I will be alone and embrace it. It sucks living in limbo like this, wanting friends but being too afraid to put myself out there to form relationships.  

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cfk_3
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 2:42pm

We used to have one of the largest gay clubs in the US, called The Connection, in Nashville.  Well, it was billed as having the largest dance floor or something like that . . . it was so much fun.  They had several different themed dance/music areas (country, rock, techno, etc) and one huge stage for drag shows.  I miss it so much, it closed in 2005 :[

I have a gay cousin but he's in his mid to late 60's so we don't really hang out.  He called me last week to see if I wanted a fur coat he'd bought for himself but never wears, LOL.  Love him.

Don't be hard on yourself.  You sound interesting just from what little you've shared. 

I don't think I'll ever be comfortable eating out alone at night (esp on a weekend).  During the day on a weekday is nothing.  It's when the couples are out that I feel the same way you do . . . no, thankie.

 

 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 3:17pm

We all go thru the feelings but if we do not get out and make a real effort to socialize then we do a disservice to ourselves.  Having only "gay" males can be a trap.  The lack of sexual interest(sometimes) can be a relief.  But it has a down side.  One day after a while one may wake up to realize that part of life is passing them by.  However, many gays have straight or bisexual friends.

  Confession:  I do not like "dating" as it is everyone on best behavior.  The true person is not revealed. 

   The best is to be true to your self.  Think of what you want as an ideal :then think of a stopgap. 

"However, I have not managed to become any closer than an acquaintence to the people in this group. I seem to keep myself at arms length because I'm shy and I think deep down I can't imagine why anyone would want to be my friend."

 That is not true.  Just because you are shy does not mean you can't make friends.lovers,etc.  Being an aquaintence is a start.  I am a loner and few people I meet are ever invited to know me better.  I too am shy,timid but assertive at times.  It is mental and emotional.  Yet many "shy" people have many fun times with other people that they know.  In your mind's eys see yourself enjoying people.  

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 8:34pm

One thing you might focus on is that people want to be friends with someone who is nice & interested in them.  So don't look at it as "why would anyone want to be nice to me?" but that you do have things to offer someone else.  If you can find someone who shares a mutual interest, it's much easier to become friends.  With that being said, I've made a bunch of new friends through my dance classes, but I have to say that when some of these women started reaching out to me first to do things outside of our school, it did make me feel good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: musiclover12
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 9:08pm

What's funny is that if I was in a different city, of course I'd go out by myself--but it would have to be on a business trip or something like that--I could never just go on vacation by myself--that would be totally impossible.  But I met a group of women in Las Vegas and since we all came from different places to meet there, I was traveling by myself.  So on the way back I had a layover in an airport and I went into a restaurant & sat at the bar & watched some football on TV and might have even spoken to some other people--but I had an "excuse" of traveling.  I would feel much more awkward in my home city where I would feel like people were judging me.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In reply to: jilliansway
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 10:41pm
Music- do you ever think about the fact that no one will know if you're traveling or not if you go someplace new? I have the same thoughts as you do. But then I realize that if no one knows me, then no one knows me. They can assume all they want and it won't matter!

You might remember that I went out alone for the first time this past summer to my regular place. I've been itching to do that again lately, but my friends are always around. If I have a chance to do it again, I will. It's so much better not to have to worry about someone else. It might be because my girlfriend is annoying and my guy friend sends "leave her alone" signals, but I think that even if I did want to spend time with them, I'd still enjoy being out alone.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: floridagirl52
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 7:11am

In my hometown, I wouldn't go to dinner by myself. I have ordered things to go, but that's about it. I remember once I was waiting for my to go order on a Saturday night, and a guy I knew from my meetup group came in with a friend. They were going to eat before going to the movies. I was embarrassed that he saw me getting a to go order on a Saturday night, and that it was on the early side (of course, they were there early too, but they had to work around a movie time).

I have no problem going to lunch alone, in fact, I will probably do that today. A few years ago I used to go alone to an upscale wine bar on their Thursday tasting night. It was always crowded and so I didn't stand out as being there alone. I would talk mostly to other women, sometimes men, but it was ultimately unsatisfactory and lonely, so I stopped going alone.

But, I go alone to lots of other things like art openings, movies (if I can't find anyone), lectures, whatever. The only thing I don't really like to do alone is travel. I have done it of course for business as well as pleasure, but I have a hard time with it and haven't taken a vacation alone since 2008. I went to Ireland on a group tour. It wasn't a singles tour, and it was mostly couples and families. The only other solo travelers were a man and a woman in their 80s (not a couple). I assumed that people would befriend me, but they didn't, and I felt unhappy on the trip. It's not like I didn't try--I made friendly, but not intrusive, conversation and went out of my way to bridge the gap. But these people really just wanted to be with their traveling companion(s) and not me. I swore I'd never go on another group tour unless it was for singles (I did that back in the 90s, went to Europe had a good time because everyone was single).

On one of my trips to New York, I was mostly alone, meeting up with a friend on a couple of occasions. I love great food and so wanted to try some restaurants that had been recommended. I went to an upscale Mexican restaurant and just felt so out of place. I was the only solo diner there. I struck up a conversation with a couple of women who were at the next table, and they were friendly enough, but not all that much. Even the waiter ignored me at first because I had draped my sweater on the empty chair. It just wasn't fun. Yes, I can do it and fake it, but it's lonely and too much of an effort. I can get over what people think, but if I'm really not having a good time by myself, what's the point? I am quite independent and do lots of things alone, so it's not like I have to always have someone with me. But for me, there are just some things that are much better with someone there.