Ugh why did I bother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Ugh why did I bother?
28
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 3:52pm

Before I get to my question/rant/comment/whatever let me just say that I hope all the East Coasters and their loved ones are hanging in there during this next round of storms.

 

So I decided to give online dating a try again.  Every new single chick friend I worked to hard to spend the last year meeting met some dude online and has disappeared.  *sigh*  So there must be good ones hiding right?  I've tried every other viable option to meet someone anyway so I might as well give online dating another go.

Guy #1 was definitely an eager beaver right out the gate.  He made a really nice introduction and then closed with asking for a date.  That's weird right?  Yeah I thought so.  I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and replied clearly attempting to get to know him better and indicating that we could wait a bit on a date.  He didn't even know my name yet lol.  Then he proceeded to send several emails each only a few minutes apart asking when we were going to go out, if I was ok with xyz place, if time a was better than time b for me, etc.  Wow creepy.  I just hit delete and put him out of my mind.  Then a few days later he emails asking what happened and what made me stop talking with him?  I opted to honestly (yet politely) answer his question to which he responded saying he appreciated that info and wished me luck in my search.  A nice ending to a creepy start with an early 30s guy.

Guy #2 appears to have limited conversational skills and uses his emails to talk at me in brief sentences rather than talk to me.  He didn't bother to even learn my name, but asked me out for a drink.  I declined his drink offer, to which he countered with dinner and asked for my name.  Trying hard not to be judgemental I chalked it up to general nerves/awkwardness and made a light joke out of the name thing.  Then I provided my number and suggested we actually try talking (note I said talking, not texting) and go from there.  Simple enough right?  So then yesterday I get a few weird text messages blabbering on about mundane things like running errands, exercising, and general nonsense.  I had no idea who they were from since no name or intro was provided, I didn't know the number, and the city that number is from is one I don't go to and don't know anyone from so I ignored them figuring they were sent in error.  Then this guy sends me an email today saying he tried texting me yesterday and didn't hear from me.  I guess he's the mystery weirdo lol.  I'm torn between pointing out his idiocy and just hitting delete.  He's in his early 30s so there really isn't an excuse for poor communication skills, but for now I'm simply doing nothing until my annoyance subsides. 

Guy #3 is also in his early 30s and his email conversation is good.  We seem to have plenty in common and he's cute so I figured things were going to progress.  So his next email asks if I'd like to move from emailing to texting.  Huh?  Ok now I get that I have made plenty of rants on here about how I loathe texting and I don't give a rats rear that it is all the rage so I'll refrain from getting on that soapbox.  I will however say this.  Texting is not a move forward from emailing, it is a lateral move.  It is essentially the same impersonal communication style with a ridiculously small character limit.  Ok end rant, soapbox not needed.  I just replied saying I wasn't much of a texter, but he was welcome to call me sometime and provided my number.  I fully expected to never hear from this guy so I put him out of my mind.  Then he emails going on about how he never calls anyone because he thinks texting is easier.  Ok that's fine and I didn't bother replying.  Then he later sends me a text (seriously?!) saying he knows I'm not a texter, but he wanted to say hi and hopes to hear from me.  *eye roll*  Again I'm waiting for my annoyance to subside before deciding what to do if anything. 

Guy #4 is in his mid 30s and our email chatter went so well he actually asked for my number and called.  Thank heavens, one of them gets it.  Things continued to go well and he asked me on a date.  An actual date, not out for a drink or coffee, but a proper date.  After getting myself all foxy I'm on my way to meet him thinking oh heavens if he's ambitious and has old fashioned manners I'll marry him on the spot.  So the date starts out good and there are indeed old fashioned manners.   Then I'm halfway through my entree and he drops this oh-by-the-way-I-have-a-16yo-kid bomb.  Huh?  Ok I get that some guys in their mid 30s will have kids, but I wasn't expecting teenagers.  While I don't desire a single dad it was nice to hear that he is an active parent even though the kid doesn't live with him.  He even made a comment about women always writing him off when they find out he has a kid without learning that his kid is nearly an adult and he a healthy relationship with his ex.  That made me feel a bit guilty so I didn't make a run for it lol.  Then I learned that he has zero career ambition.  He has made it by all these years hopping from job to job, many of which are not well paying and are often seasonal.  Now I get that he works as much as he has to in order to support his kid and I think that is great, but my issue is that he doesn't have a desire for anything more.  He even described himself as the kind of person who has all these great ideas on jobs/businesses that he'd be great at, but he has no follow through.  He's totally fine just getting by.  I'm flabbergasted, but he's totally in his right to stay that way.  There will not be a second date however.   

Then of course there are dozens of other early to mid 30s guys emailing cheesy one liners, trying to get laid, sending messages so poorly spelled I can't read them, and just making stupid comments in general.  I get that dating is tough at any age, but I swear guys were not this socially inept when I was a 20something.  If this is really what's left for me at 30 the only option left is going to be to hire a male escort to take me to events (no not for sex!) and go places with.  If I'm paying them I can demand that they not text, have old fashioned manners, and only say smart things right?

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 1:42pm
Eeeeww! I wouldn't want to "talk" to a guy who's 57, and I'm 35! Sounds like a married man just looking for a fantasy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 11:05am

When I was looking at OLD yesterday I saw this guy who was 57 and he said he just wanted to "talk" to women who were 18-25.  Isn't that wierd?  Yeah, I have a 23 yr old DD and she's be totally grossed out--why would she want to talk to a guy who is older than her father?  I can imagine what kind of talking he'd like to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 11:03am

Hey, LBW, too bad you don't live near me--I'd ask you to find me those decent over 50 men & not be tossing them all out.  lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:30pm

Ha!  I am 51 and get hit on guys in their 30s all of the time!  My theory is that they are not ready for committment, and they figure an older woman will give them good sex and not demand marriage.  My 27 year-old cable guy told me as much.  Said he can't stand women his age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:27pm

I totally agree with you on that, cfk.  I find it a turnoff when I make it clear I don't like texting, and the guy persists anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 8:29pm

This is why I will no longer pursue OLD!  Every time I convince myself to give it a try, I wind up deactivating my account a couple of days later.  I wonder about some of the guys on these OLD sites.  What cracks me up is when I get hit on by a 20 year old.  And I'm 34 years old!!  Flattering; yes.  But dang near jail bait for me lol.  I also tell myself, the same guys you talk to online are the same ones you'll meet out there in the real world.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:44pm

I think that people text sometimes because they are lazy, but also out of fear.  If you text, you can sit a while & think about what you want to say.  You don't have to sound nervous or risk saying something dumb.  But the down side of that is that it's very difficult to get someone's personality because you don't hear any emotions.  That's what I don't think that people understand. 

I remember getting an email from a guy that basically went right into "when do you want to meet?"  He was like "i said everything in my profile so why not just go right to meeting?"  I actually liked that--not that I'd do it all the time, but it's much less of a waste of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:52am

Yep I too am starting to understand that it is a numbers game.  Every dating book or article I've read basically says yes you spend several months (sometimes longer depending on other factors) dealing with guys like I've described, but I'll admit I didn't entirely believe that.  Even the women (and men) I know that are happily coupled thanks to online dating will admit (after some serious arm twisting) that their experience was full of freaks at first.  So while I kind of expected some nuts I didn't expect it to be this bad.

As for the guys I've mentioned?

Guy #1.....is already gone.  After I told him he came off like a completely psycho he quietly disappeared to probably freak out some other chick.

Guy #2...after my annoyance subsided I replied to his email briefly saying that I was no longer interested.  If its that hard to actually communicate at this stage I don't even want to think about what a relationship with him would be like.

Guy #3....I haven't responded to him at all.  After he emailed me saying he refuses to talk on the phone and then sent me a text message anyway I just didn't see the point in responding to him.  I wasn't expecting to spend all day talking on the phone, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable expecting a guy to call once in awhile for a few minutes.  He hasn't contacted me since then and I'm not expecting him to.  And like someone on here said a guy refusing to talk on the phone right from the beginning does come off as suspicious.  I think we've all run into at least one guy who was married or had a live in girlfriend and that was why he was always insisting on texting.

Guy #4....called last night (and I was already too cranky to be excited that someone called) and I sent him straight to voice mail.  I just didn't have the energy to tell another guy I wasn't interested.   Whats interesting is he's exactly the kind of guy that would be in my friend circle, but its really not fair to force him in the friend zone when he's clearly looking for something else. 

and Guy #5 turned out to be a doozy.  My evening wrapped a bit earlier than expected so I called him and things were off to a good start when he said he was happy to hear from me.  That good start lasted exactly 5 minutes because the 20 minutes after that were spent with me wondering how I didn't see any of it coming.  In that 20 minutes I hardly got in a word.  He started out complaining about the women he's met online and how they keep turning him down or don't want anything serious and according to him he's the best guy in the world.  Then he went on to tell me his completely medical history and all about a condition he's had forever that does affect some aspects of life.  Next up was the fact that he's actually in his late 30s and has been married twice.  Once in his late teens to a chick who did nothing but cheat on him and then to a chick who flat out admitted she just used him for a green card.  I figured the tyrade was over, but nope then came the explanation of all the money he has and why followed by his demands for a relationship and how he's ready to be serious right now.  I was seriously too bewildered to even start laughing.  When he stopped to take a breath I just said I wanted to get to bed early because I'd had a long day.  I may have actually hung up while he was still talking.  I figured saying I wasn't interested on the phone would just bring on another rant so I'll have to do that via email later.  What's really sad about him is that he's clearly desperate and bitter and without all of that he probably would be a decent guy.  He's just to stuck in his negative cloud to see that right now.

I really did go to bed early and now that I'm feeling refreshed I'm thinking I'll hang in there a little longer.  If duds are part of the process there must be an end to them soon right? 

And yes Florida I agree that dating in ones 50s is really hard.  My mom is 50 and looking and the guys she mentions to me are disgusting.  She usually gets 5 words into her description of them and I'm telling her to fire them lol.  I keep telling her those type of guys might be ok in ones 20s, but at the 50s they're just pathetic.  What's even funnier is I manage to find amazing guys for her all the time.  And I mean amazing.  They're not perfect, but no one is...and I'm her kid and I'm saying mom pick this one!  Then she shoots them all down for some trivial thing like oh he's short.  My mother is 5'6 and is acting like 5'9 is short.  My dad was 5'7 and she married him so I don't see the problem.  *sigh*  I thought I was doing her a great favor by throwing guys her way that were her age, gainfully employed or very comfortably retired, have teenage or grown kids, share her interests, have the time and desire to meet a woman and spend time with her, in decent shape (maybe a few extra pounds or high blood pressure, but so?!), homeowners, want to travel but are waiting for the right woman to join them, are done sowing wild oats and actually want to get married again.....oh but what do I know right?  Because apparently none of that is good enough lol.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 7:48am

I feel your pain. 

No, you aren't being too picky, nor should you compromise. The more I've done OLD, the more I have come to trust that initial "sixth sense" about someone (I was going to recommend the book Blink, but I might get scoffed at for that! But there is a good chapter in there about speed dating and initial judgement.) 

I think something weird happens to some people when they go online. They don't understand how they are coming across or that this is like a conversation they would be having in person, not hidden behind a computer. And many people just really can't string a coherent sentence together either, making it difficult to understand them. Hopefully you will meet someone before you are in your 50s, because let me tell you honey, they're just as bad at that age!

I don't get the texting thing either. I would much prefer emailing, I can type so much faster, and what's the difference between the two really? Why is this so hard? Honestly, all a guy needs to do (IMO) is have a few relatively brief email exchanges with me, if things are going well, just ask to meet me for a drink or coffee. We don't even need to talk on the phone. There's no need for silly texts, or War and Peace-length emails or numerous conversations on the phone. Just meet for heaven's sake.

I too am back doing OLD because damnit, I know people do meet this way. And another thing: I have heard so often that "it's a numbers game." OK, I get that you have to actually get out there and meet men, but why even bother with Guy #1-3? Why waste your time? Off-topic, I know, but felt the need to say it.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:23am

From my perspective, texting is only convenient when you want to give someone a quick piece of important information but are unavailable to have a conversation.  Now, once there's a certain rapport with a guy, I'll admit, it's nice to get a flirty text.  It let's me know they are thinking about me(and I'm sure the guy's enjoy those as well).  However, when it's clear that they want to have a full on conversation via text, it makes no sense to me at all.  As a matter of fact, it leads me to be a little skeptical about that person's relationship status.