Ugh why did I bother?

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Registered: 06-03-2009
Ugh why did I bother?
28
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 3:52pm

Before I get to my question/rant/comment/whatever let me just say that I hope all the East Coasters and their loved ones are hanging in there during this next round of storms.

 

So I decided to give online dating a try again.  Every new single chick friend I worked to hard to spend the last year meeting met some dude online and has disappeared.  *sigh*  So there must be good ones hiding right?  I've tried every other viable option to meet someone anyway so I might as well give online dating another go.

Guy #1 was definitely an eager beaver right out the gate.  He made a really nice introduction and then closed with asking for a date.  That's weird right?  Yeah I thought so.  I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and replied clearly attempting to get to know him better and indicating that we could wait a bit on a date.  He didn't even know my name yet lol.  Then he proceeded to send several emails each only a few minutes apart asking when we were going to go out, if I was ok with xyz place, if time a was better than time b for me, etc.  Wow creepy.  I just hit delete and put him out of my mind.  Then a few days later he emails asking what happened and what made me stop talking with him?  I opted to honestly (yet politely) answer his question to which he responded saying he appreciated that info and wished me luck in my search.  A nice ending to a creepy start with an early 30s guy.

Guy #2 appears to have limited conversational skills and uses his emails to talk at me in brief sentences rather than talk to me.  He didn't bother to even learn my name, but asked me out for a drink.  I declined his drink offer, to which he countered with dinner and asked for my name.  Trying hard not to be judgemental I chalked it up to general nerves/awkwardness and made a light joke out of the name thing.  Then I provided my number and suggested we actually try talking (note I said talking, not texting) and go from there.  Simple enough right?  So then yesterday I get a few weird text messages blabbering on about mundane things like running errands, exercising, and general nonsense.  I had no idea who they were from since no name or intro was provided, I didn't know the number, and the city that number is from is one I don't go to and don't know anyone from so I ignored them figuring they were sent in error.  Then this guy sends me an email today saying he tried texting me yesterday and didn't hear from me.  I guess he's the mystery weirdo lol.  I'm torn between pointing out his idiocy and just hitting delete.  He's in his early 30s so there really isn't an excuse for poor communication skills, but for now I'm simply doing nothing until my annoyance subsides. 

Guy #3 is also in his early 30s and his email conversation is good.  We seem to have plenty in common and he's cute so I figured things were going to progress.  So his next email asks if I'd like to move from emailing to texting.  Huh?  Ok now I get that I have made plenty of rants on here about how I loathe texting and I don't give a rats rear that it is all the rage so I'll refrain from getting on that soapbox.  I will however say this.  Texting is not a move forward from emailing, it is a lateral move.  It is essentially the same impersonal communication style with a ridiculously small character limit.  Ok end rant, soapbox not needed.  I just replied saying I wasn't much of a texter, but he was welcome to call me sometime and provided my number.  I fully expected to never hear from this guy so I put him out of my mind.  Then he emails going on about how he never calls anyone because he thinks texting is easier.  Ok that's fine and I didn't bother replying.  Then he later sends me a text (seriously?!) saying he knows I'm not a texter, but he wanted to say hi and hopes to hear from me.  *eye roll*  Again I'm waiting for my annoyance to subside before deciding what to do if anything. 

Guy #4 is in his mid 30s and our email chatter went so well he actually asked for my number and called.  Thank heavens, one of them gets it.  Things continued to go well and he asked me on a date.  An actual date, not out for a drink or coffee, but a proper date.  After getting myself all foxy I'm on my way to meet him thinking oh heavens if he's ambitious and has old fashioned manners I'll marry him on the spot.  So the date starts out good and there are indeed old fashioned manners.   Then I'm halfway through my entree and he drops this oh-by-the-way-I-have-a-16yo-kid bomb.  Huh?  Ok I get that some guys in their mid 30s will have kids, but I wasn't expecting teenagers.  While I don't desire a single dad it was nice to hear that he is an active parent even though the kid doesn't live with him.  He even made a comment about women always writing him off when they find out he has a kid without learning that his kid is nearly an adult and he a healthy relationship with his ex.  That made me feel a bit guilty so I didn't make a run for it lol.  Then I learned that he has zero career ambition.  He has made it by all these years hopping from job to job, many of which are not well paying and are often seasonal.  Now I get that he works as much as he has to in order to support his kid and I think that is great, but my issue is that he doesn't have a desire for anything more.  He even described himself as the kind of person who has all these great ideas on jobs/businesses that he'd be great at, but he has no follow through.  He's totally fine just getting by.  I'm flabbergasted, but he's totally in his right to stay that way.  There will not be a second date however.   

Then of course there are dozens of other early to mid 30s guys emailing cheesy one liners, trying to get laid, sending messages so poorly spelled I can't read them, and just making stupid comments in general.  I get that dating is tough at any age, but I swear guys were not this socially inept when I was a 20something.  If this is really what's left for me at 30 the only option left is going to be to hire a male escort to take me to events (no not for sex!) and go places with.  If I'm paying them I can demand that they not text, have old fashioned manners, and only say smart things right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 3:28pm

Cool

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 1:36pm

One of the best relationships I was ever in before my marriage started out online.  While the relationship only ended up lasting 8 months, those 8 months were a far more enjoyable experience than the 18 month "spinning my wheels" relationship that I'd been in prior to that.

I do think there is a bit of a "Peter Pan Syndrome" with a lot of 30-something guys today.  Unfortunately, for many single 30-something women, I'd say a majority of the 30-something men who DON'T suffer from "Peter Pan Syndrome" are already married.  

I'm not going to get into the hows/whys of the Peter Pan Syndrome... that's another topic altogether.

As a male, I almost think the best bet for single 30-something women is to go either after younger men or older divorced men.  Reason being... If a guy is in his 30s and has never been married there's a good reason for that.  I know there's the old adage about sowing wild oats... but chances are if a guy is in his 30s and his wild oats haven't been sown yet... they never will be.  

Going after younger men, women will be competing with younger women for those men, yes.  But the key is to find the "good ones" whose wild oats are sown or are about to be sown (mid-late 20s), the ones who show the potential to improve as they age.

Older divorced men have "been there, done that."  Men hate to fail at things.  We're competitive in nature and that carries over into relationships.  We want to be successful.  If a man's first marriage has failed, chances are he'll be pickier going into the next one.  He's looking for one that will "stick."  He doesn't want to fail again.  If he's serious about settling down again, he's apt to be just as picky as the women he SHOULD BE dating.  If he's NOT serious about settling down again.  You have little or nothing to worry about because you're not even on his radar.  The women that are on the radars of divorced guys that aren't serious about settling down again either work in Gentleman's Clubs and have names like Candy or Bunny OR are college girls looking for a bit of fun from a mature older man because they don't believe guys their age are mature enough for them.  

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:16pm

  I recall a story line about a group of women who had a club where they brought their rejects to see if another women would want them.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 9:28pm
You mean its our fault that they are ignorant? Its our fault that all they want is sex? Its our fault that they lie and use you and play games with you for their own gain? Compromises? Last guy I dated was for four months, all he did was lie to me, use me and play games. I was the only one who compromised. All he did was get what he wanted and left me out in the cold. Yet you think expecting someone to actually understand English and have manners is asking too much? Either you're really a man or you're 16.

 

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 7:41am

  I feel for you gals in your 30's dealing with Peter Pan types or men who just are clueless.  I'm 52 and met my 2nd dh online at age 48 after divorcing after 25 years.  Scared?  You bet, but I don't believe in sitting around letting life pass me by, so decided to get back on the horse and ride. I met dh one month after my divorce was finalized (it took a year and a half) and had NO intention of EVER marrying again, yet 4 years later, here I am.  Anyway, I do feel for you all in your 20's and 30's trying to find a decent guy.  I agree with another poster that there are many Peter Pan types out there who are just clueless.  I told dh I never would have gone for his type when he was younger.  Granted he was a single dad at age 35 with 2 teenage sons and a 4 year old, but before that, he was quite the party boy.  He worked hard, but played hard, too which was his downfall.  He started gambling and ended up declaring bankruptcy in his 30's and starting over with 3 kids to support.  He is now 50 and OVER all that...the boozing, women, gambling.  I'm a believer that what's in the past needs to stay in the past, so forgave him all his past indiscressions and moved forward.  He had been on the straight and narrow since gaining custody of his kids in 1997, so knew we could do so.  I looked at him as the man he is TODAY, not who he was THEN. 

Ok...sorry...got off the topic.  I wanted to say, too, that when it comes to texting, dh and I are no better.  We text during the day because we can keep it short and simple.  I think, too, that texting with people DOES keep it rather impersonal and allows people to say things to each other they'd never say to their face.  Dh broke up with me through texting after we had dated after 4 months and I let him know that we were ADULTS and if we were going to break up, we were going to do it face to face.  PERIOD.  We met 4 days later and straightened everything out and the rest is history. 

I guess what I've learned at my ripe old age is we have to be willing to bend, forgive, and compromise if we want to be with someone.  It is MUCH easier to be single and only take care of yourself and your own needs and wants. We also have to decide what are deal breakers and what are things we can live with.  There IS no Mr. Right out there...just Mr. Right for ME...flaws and all.  None of us are perfect, but it is better to be alone than to settle for someone who doesn't treat you well and simply doesn't measure up.  But, as you get older, you may need to really open your mind and allow yourself to accept more about someone than you may have when you were younger. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:30pm

Oh yes the Peter Pan's.  I wanted nothing to do with them but still wasted time on them in my 20s and now in my 30s I just have no patience for them.  My time is too valuable to bother with a guy who is making it clear that he doesn't want to get serious. 

I also agree that as we age we need to become more open to different types of guys and be willing to make more compromises.  In my 20s I was not really willing to consider divorced guys.  I get that divorce happens, but I got tired of running into bitterly divorced guys who then convert to Peter Pan's.  Now that I'm 30 I see they're not all like that.  Some of them didn't want to get divorced and loved married life so much they can't wait to give it another go.  That I can work with. 

As for younger guys?  I did that often in my 20s and it never worked.  Never.  Ever.  I found younger guys to be worse than Peter Pan's....is there a Super Peter Pan?  Umm they were it.  I want to date a grown man that doesn't live with his mommy, isn't sitting around playing video games, making fart jokes, and doesn't think that being in a relationship is solely about having sex.  I'm old enough to know that none of that is going to change regardless of what I do.  So right now with my being 30 I have my online dating profile set to not accept messages from guys under 30.  I'll probably stick with the 30+ requirement as I move farther into my 30s though.  I'm trying to be open to considering a guy a little older say early 40s, but I'll admit that gets scarily close to my parents age lol.  Also I find many 40something guys spend so much time trying to prove they act young and look young that its just really annoying. 

Oh and someone mentioned singles events.  Yes I'm still open to these, but I'm approaching them differently.  What I'm finding is most singles events are aimed at 20somethings or people 45+ and there is very little available for we 30somethings.  I am keeping my eyes peeled for events aimed at 30somethings though.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:53pm

Well my adventures in online dating might be getting a bit better.

Guy #6....Great emails, very funny, early 30s, and just comes off like a nice guy.  He's also clearly indicated he's looking to settle down.  Ok great.  So he asks if I'm interested in meeting and I reply with my number and a request that he call me to make plans.  He sent a text a few days ago that I ignored and I haven't heard from him since.  I'm refusing to be discouraged.

Guy #7....Also early 30s, has a really interesting job in research that excites my inner nerd, has lots of hobbies that also excite my inner nerd, our entertainment/fitness styles mesh, is ready to be serious and is proactive.  After maybe 2 great emails he gave me his number to call him, which I did and we had a great multi hour chat that didn't cover anything superficial.  We're now in the process of planning our first date and are hoping to fit it in before the turkey day holiday.  He has even sent a couple of "thinking of you texts" which is fine because its clear he isn't trying to have a conversation that way.  The only thing that seems odd to me is that he lives with 6 roommates.  Now I get that this is the norm when a guy is a 20something in college, but this guy isn't.  He's gainfully employed and there isn't some freak housing shortage.  I'm wondering if he lives this way because he simply likes the company or if living alone somehow scares him?  I'm trying not to let my imagination run wild here, but if things progress this issue will need to be explored.

Guy #8.....also early 30s and is the hard working type.  He does something with his hands I didn't fully get, but provides the stability he desires so its fine.  He definitely loves to learn and spends his spare time teaching himself new skills, many of which excite my inner nerd.  He's funny and more spontaneous that I am, which could be good for me, and he's looking for something serious.  So after several great emails he brought up meeting and I gave him my number and told him to call me so we could plan something.  The challenge here is he lives 2hrs away out in the sticks.  Now to his credit he's already insisted he will come all the way out to me for our date (totally appreciate that), but what about future dates if things go well?  He's already said that if he wants to do anything other than grab a bite to eat at a diner he has to come to my city, but considering the commute and gas prices I imagine that will be tiresome after awhile.

Now I'm curious to see what happens with these guys and who I'll encounter next.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 4:22pm
How gross hearing about men in their late 50´s who want to "talk" (yeah, right) with girls more than half their age! To me, that is too weird/gross. Like Shy, I am 35 and the thought of being with a man in his 60´s (around my Dad´s age) is just utterly sickening. IMHO, at least.

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