Uncomfortable situation
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:40am |
First some background info:
Me and C meet at work in May, 2005. We have a 5 month office flirtation, then he finally asks me out in October, 2005. For two glorious months we are crazy in love. Then he gets scared, or gets sick of pretending, or whatever, and turns into a jerk. He pretends to love me for 6 more months while I yell and nag and plead for him to be like he was during the first 2 months of our relationship. We were both in a bad place back then. I had just left my husband and he had just broken up with his live-in gf of 3 yrs. So 10 months ago, in June, 2006, we got in one last blow out and called it quits.
The last 10 months have been horrid. I've had a few bratty fits when I wanted him back and he said no. We've ping-ponged from friends to hated enemies to tolerating each other. Keep in mind that he has constantly been calm through all of it, steady as a rock (I HATE him for that! LOL). I'm the emotional batter to this ping pong. Mostly I've had to battle with forgiveness and keeping my anger in check. I think I've finally realized that the only reason I hate him is because he doesn't love me anymore. And that feels pretty lame, so now I can forgive him. Only that just makes me want him more. Because all those old feelings are gone, leaving just that annoying smear of love that will not go away.
So we still work together, and he's sort of my superior. I don't report to him, but he's a big deal at my company. Our office is pretty small and we work about 10 feet from each other. Lately we've just been avoiding each other, except when I have a question to ask him, but even then we keep it to work related only.
But lately I've noticed that he'll walk by my cubicle and look at me, or he'll follow me into the break room. When I go in his office to ask a question he'll keep on talking about the topic long after my question has been answered. When we see each other in the hall there is either that quick glance to the side, or he'll look like he's angry with me (I'll flirt with other guys in the office and laugh and talk with the girls, but when he's around I get really tight lipped and quiet).
So here's the uncomfortable situation - today I went into his office and asked him to review something with me. He was NERVOUS and couldn't even form his thoughts. He kept looking at me and then he'd look down at the paper to regroup. He never answered my question and I ended up telling him what I thought the answer was and he just agreed. It was so cute. Later I was back in my cube when he walked by to put something in my inbox just as I looked up. Our eyes met and he swallowed hard and asked if I was all set with what we had just worked on. I stood up and he looked very uncomfortable (he glanced at my...er...chest. tee hee!) as I told him that I'm finished the project and I just needed him to review it to make sure I didn't miss anything.
So there we are in my tiny little cube all hunched together studying this huge map and the paper I had wrote that summarized some stuff. When he was done he handed me the paper, his eyes locked on mine, and he told me that it looked really good, nice job, and all of that.
All I could do as we stood in that cramped space, with office noises all around us, was think about the intimate things we had done together. I thought about how close we once were, and there was this strange little flicker in his eyes, and in the way he kept looking at my mouth, that told me he was thinking the same thing. I think his hands even shook a little as he handed me the paper.
OMG. This is insane to be having these thoughts again. I worked so hard to get over him, and I'm probably way off. God knows I've been off before when it comes to analyzing C's feelings. And there were REASONS we broke up, but I can't help but think that we were so good together and those reasons were the result of neither of us being ready at that time for a serious relationship. And I was such a brat. I was spoiled and snotty and I wanted my way all the time.
I think I want to try again. I know, it's so stupid! But it's been almost a year and there are still sparks. A co-worker even pointed that out to me one day. She saw he and I talking in the break room and she said the sparks were so obvious that she could feel the energy between he and I, so I'm not completely crazy.
But I can't go to him and beg for him to take me back. BTDT. So NOT a good thing when he turned me down and we still work together, so I need another strategy. How can I let him know that I'm up for it if he is, without me actually having to tell him I want him back. BTW - the buzz around the office is that I'm FINALLY over him, after lamenting for all those months. There have been not-so-false rumors about my personal life floating around (I have work friends who are also real friends and they have big mouths), so the last he has heard I'm out there again living the fun single life and he's a distant memory.
And how do I find out if he is interested again? How do reel him in again? Or do you guys think I should just let it be? Oy - what if he's with another girl right now being all mushy gushy and in love and I'm not even a thought? I write romance novels, so maybe I'm just making something out of nothing :(

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I think you're just feeling the after effects of letting go of the goober. Let it be.
Sheri
Personally I wouldn't do it.
Sparks aside, you just said not a few paragraphs above that the last 10 months have been bad, (horrid was your word). You finally got to a place where it's been somewhat comfortable. Why you would want to suddenly want to ruin the workplace environment again by getting romantically involved with a coworker again is beyond my grasp.
I tend to live by the motto. Don't poop where you eat just because of the situation that you described because of when you break up how uncomfortable it makes your workday. It's just a bad environment when you have to be there 90% of your life. I have a crush on someone I work with but I work in the administrative office and he works in the branch. I talk to him on the phone occasionally and I see him maybe once a month for meetings, we barely see each other. I would never date anyone that I had to see everyday because of the reasons you described in your post it would just be SOOO difficult if we broke up and nevermind that I just don't like to be a part of the water cooler gossip mill so I don't tend to flirt with people at work as well.
Your going to do what you want but I would advise against it just from what you described your life has been since your breakup.
Smile,
Deirdre
yes, maybe he found a little spark with you again, and he's getting flustered by you. and now you're remembering how nice the sparks were. it's so easy to stir up nice feelings like that. what's hard, as you know, is forging a healthy and lasting relationship.
he hasn't given any indication he wants to delve into all that work again - if he did, he would have to tell you point blank. and i don't think you could cajole him into it.
i'd just see this as another bump in the road on the way to your happiness. you've gained a lot of ground in the past ten months, doing the hard work to get over this guy. don't let him take that away from you so easily.
You are right - you all are! I must remember the he's-just-not-that-into-you mantra: If he was interested he would let me know. I just keep inventing thoughts that probably aren't even in his head, letting my imagination run wild.
Bottom line is he is not thinking of me right now. If he wanted to go there again he would tell me. And if he is too wimpy to come out with it, do I want him anyway?
I did the same thing with the goober. I made it out to be more than it really was, depsite all the evidence otherwise.
Stupid imagination. Stupid love. Stupid men! :(
We had an amazing sex life and word around the water cooler is that he's not getting any. So he's probably just horny.
Thanks for the wake up calls! At least he isn't at work today, so my emotions are tame and under control. Sort of. I'm still hoping he'll surpise me with flowers or something. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
I have always wondered what it is you write. Do you write them for fun or for work or both?
"The last 10 months have been horrid. I've had a few bratty fits when I wanted him back and he said no." -- So, how many times have you tried to get him back? What has changed so much that you think there is now a chance?
I'll tell you a quick story. I dated a guy very casually. We were always doing the ping pong game you spoke of . . . when we weren't together, my cynical self thought: "well, that's it, he is definitely not interested" then he'd call two weeks later and would treat me as if I were the only girl on the planet. This went on for a year.
I don't know what got into me but I decided to try and woo him with love notes, poetry, gifts(okay, one gift)in the mail. I had never done this sort of thing before and haven't since. It was horrible. The poems I didn't write, but he accused me of getting them off of the net which I did not. They were excerpts from very beloved books. They each meant a lot to me(I sent him under five of them).
This is the kicker: About two months passed w/o our speaking and he bumped into two close friends of mine at an event downtown. I called him up to tell him and he had no clue who I was, didn't even recognize the phone number!? I know this is extremely pessimistic of me, but I swore that I would NEVER pursue a guy again and I haven't.
If I were you, I would make d*** sure that he is likely to take you up on your offer to "try again". Well, unless you are unlike myself and do not place pride before all else ; ) Ha!
If you decide to pursue, why not just ask him out the old fashioned way? Make sure that he knows it's a date, though.
I write for fun, but I'm also trying to get published. I've actually had a book published years ago, but it was with a small pub and never went anywhere. My job has nothing to do with creative writing, unfortunately :(
"So, how many times have you tried to get him back? What has changed so much that you think there is now a chance?"
I tried 3 times. But I always did it in a subtle way, and when he didn't immediately get the hint my brat meter would go off the charts. For example, and I can't believe I'm admitting this - the last time I tried was last october on our would-be year anniversary. It was near Halloween and he asked me if I was taking the kids trick or treating. I responded "It's their dad's year to take them. Besides, I'm not really feeling up to it, given what this time of year means to us." I seriously expected him to drop to his knees and proclaim that the thought of our 1 yr anniversary was also tearing him up inside and he could no longer live without me. And when he didn't do that I fumed silently for a few minutes, then I stormed into his office and told him what a cruel heartless jerk he was. Then I took a bundle of printed love letters we had emailed back and forth, threw them on his chair, and told him that I hated him. Oh...my...gawd...I was horrible!
So what changed? I did. His argument for not wanting me as, in part, that I was needy. and I WAS needy, which my bratty behavior proved. Over the last few months he's seen me evolve (his words, heard through the grapvine). He's watched me go from a timid weepy fraidy cat to a secure and confident woman. I've seen the transformation in myself, as well, and he had a lot to do with that. It's amazing how a heartbreak can shape a person.
He started showing outward interest 3 weeks ago, when there was a work happy hour and I showed up alone, but I met my work friends there. One of my friends tried to get me to take a shot before walking inside, because he was with a date, but I simply got a drink and pretended it didn't bother me. I had a blast and ignored him, but I did catch him looking over his date's shoulder right at me a few times. And after he left I made out with a total stranger, and I'm sure he caught wind of THAT - sometimes office gossip can work for you! LOL. Later I gave an alcohol induced confession to his best friend, revealing that I was still in love with C. Um, yeah. Crazy night. Since then things have been way different.
Whoa. Epiphany. He knows I want him back. He HAS to know! Even if his best friend didn't tell him, everyone in the dang office has listened to me moan about it. He knows, but he's not doing anything about it. End of story, right?
And I can't risk another bratty episode, so I won't confront him again. Pursuing guys hasn't worked for me either, and I refuse to reduce myself to letting him see me fumble over him. I think I've had enough embarrassment for this phase of my life!
"It's amazing how a heartbreak can shape a person."
-- So true and so very unexpected!
I would go with your gut, then. Good for you!
Wow - I commend the girls who have replied to you. Personally, I do not see a "secure and confident woman" who has "evolved". You need to stop viewing this as HIS decision to not return to what you guys had - but see it as, YOU are deciding not go back to something that sounds like it was VERY unhealthy. You need to realize the games of "telephone" with coworkers and playing games to try and get him to like you again aren't mature actions. And proclaiming to have moved on and be over him when it's very apparent you have not (as I'm sure he's heard). If he wanted to be with you and he was a healthy individual, interested in a solid, connected and committed relationship - I'm sure you'd hear about it... FROM HIM!
It's unfortunate you "pooped where you eat" (ROTFLMAO) so now you have to live with it day in day out... but that's the consequence you were apparently willing to take - so now my advice to you is to work on making your person healthy - so the next guy you meet (outside of work), who is worthy of your time, and who you aren't just using to get back at C, and who you won't play games with or go "bratty" on - will find a happy, "secure and confident", and HEALTHY!!!!! individual to equally share in a relationship!
Good luck to you.
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