Uncomfortable situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Uncomfortable situation
18
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:40am

First some background info:
Me and C meet at work in May, 2005. We have a 5 month office flirtation, then he finally asks me out in October, 2005. For two glorious months we are crazy in love. Then he gets scared, or gets sick of pretending, or whatever, and turns into a jerk. He pretends to love me for 6 more months while I yell and nag and plead for him to be like he was during the first 2 months of our relationship. We were both in a bad place back then. I had just left my husband and he had just broken up with his live-in gf of 3 yrs. So 10 months ago, in June, 2006, we got in one last blow out and called it quits.

The last 10 months have been horrid. I've had a few bratty fits when I wanted him back and he said no. We've ping-ponged from friends to hated enemies to tolerating each other. Keep in mind that he has constantly been calm through all of it, steady as a rock (I HATE him for that! LOL). I'm the emotional batter to this ping pong. Mostly I've had to battle with forgiveness and keeping my anger in check. I think I've finally realized that the only reason I hate him is because he doesn't love me anymore. And that feels pretty lame, so now I can forgive him. Only that just makes me want him more. Because all those old feelings are gone, leaving just that annoying smear of love that will not go away.

So we still work together, and he's sort of my superior. I don't report to him, but he's a big deal at my company. Our office is pretty small and we work about 10 feet from each other. Lately we've just been avoiding each other, except when I have a question to ask him, but even then we keep it to work related only.

But lately I've noticed that he'll walk by my cubicle and look at me, or he'll follow me into the break room. When I go in his office to ask a question he'll keep on talking about the topic long after my question has been answered. When we see each other in the hall there is either that quick glance to the side, or he'll look like he's angry with me (I'll flirt with other guys in the office and laugh and talk with the girls, but when he's around I get really tight lipped and quiet).

So here's the uncomfortable situation - today I went into his office and asked him to review something with me. He was NERVOUS and couldn't even form his thoughts. He kept looking at me and then he'd look down at the paper to regroup. He never answered my question and I ended up telling him what I thought the answer was and he just agreed. It was so cute. Later I was back in my cube when he walked by to put something in my inbox just as I looked up. Our eyes met and he swallowed hard and asked if I was all set with what we had just worked on. I stood up and he looked very uncomfortable (he glanced at my...er...chest. tee hee!) as I told him that I'm finished the project and I just needed him to review it to make sure I didn't miss anything.

So there we are in my tiny little cube all hunched together studying this huge map and the paper I had wrote that summarized some stuff. When he was done he handed me the paper, his eyes locked on mine, and he told me that it looked really good, nice job, and all of that.

All I could do as we stood in that cramped space, with office noises all around us, was think about the intimate things we had done together. I thought about how close we once were, and there was this strange little flicker in his eyes, and in the way he kept looking at my mouth, that told me he was thinking the same thing. I think his hands even shook a little as he handed me the paper.

OMG. This is insane to be having these thoughts again. I worked so hard to get over him, and I'm probably way off. God knows I've been off before when it comes to analyzing C's feelings. And there were REASONS we broke up, but I can't help but think that we were so good together and those reasons were the result of neither of us being ready at that time for a serious relationship. And I was such a brat. I was spoiled and snotty and I wanted my way all the time.

I think I want to try again. I know, it's so stupid! But it's been almost a year and there are still sparks. A co-worker even pointed that out to me one day. She saw he and I talking in the break room and she said the sparks were so obvious that she could feel the energy between he and I, so I'm not completely crazy.

But I can't go to him and beg for him to take me back. BTDT. So NOT a good thing when he turned me down and we still work together, so I need another strategy. How can I let him know that I'm up for it if he is, without me actually having to tell him I want him back. BTW - the buzz around the office is that I'm FINALLY over him, after lamenting for all those months. There have been not-so-false rumors about my personal life floating around (I have work friends who are also real friends and they have big mouths), so the last he has heard I'm out there again living the fun single life and he's a distant memory.

And how do I find out if he is interested again? How do reel him in again? Or do you guys think I should just let it be? Oy - what if he's with another girl right now being all mushy gushy and in love and I'm not even a thought? I write romance novels, so maybe I'm just making something out of nothing :(

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:51pm
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Edited 4/28/2007 12:55 am ET by cfk_3
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 11:22pm

I suspect that your "love" for him was that he was this knight in shining armor after your bad experience/marriage and you dove in with him very soon after you left your ex. The amount of time you were together does not really support (in my mind) a strong foundation of a lasting relationship and love (as you have found out). My guess is that you still pine for him because of 1) sex- sex for women creates this energetic, bio-chemical, and psychological tie with the man. The male does not have the same biology. 2) rebound- C is different from your ex and therefore you feel for someone that is NOT your ex.

My take is that you are still *needing* a man rather than at a place of peace where you are happy being without one. Hey I only recently felt that I am truly at peace without a relationship. It took 7 yrs after my divorce and 1.5 yrs after my last committed relationship. I really feel OK being without a partner, being by myself. NOW this year I am ready to receive a life partner.

Hugs and Peace,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:09am

I knew someone would say something like that! Let me explain. Actually, I do consider myself evolved and secure and confident, especially compared to how I used to be. I'd gotten over him and moved on, which is why this whole this is surprising to me. It's like a pile of cold embers, then just as you scoop them up to throw them away, a hot coal comes out of nowhere and burns you. It's not about needing a man, it's about old feelings rising to the surface. I've also commented on the fact this could also just be about sexual attraction. I'm sucker for romance. It's my weakness.

I don't need him. But I saw a spark from him, and I realized that I still feel it, too. So I was just wondering how to start something up again. I thought, hey, why not? The sticky thing was only that if he ISN'T interested and he turned me down, I was worried that the drama would start all over again. But then I also realized that throughtout the 10 mos we've been apart, and through all my drama, he must have gotten wind of my difficulty in getting over him, yet he never acted on it. Ok. There was my epiphany. It's done and I'm steering clear of the situation.

I'm not purposely playing games, but I'm aware of how office gossip is adding to and fueling this situation. I wasn't asking for advice on what games to play in order to get him to like me again. It's just that I knew I couldn't go for the direct approach, so I wanted to see if anyone had any flirty ideas or indirect ways to let him know that I was interested. And I've never played games with C. I just lashed out with raw emotion.

And one of the reasons I was so irritated with myself for going back to this place again was because I had worked so hard to evolve through it, and I was concerned that going back would undo this person who I've become. Ok, so maybe a TRULY confident woman wouldn't let a man "undo" her. But I'm a work in progress and I know my weaknesses.

And I have decided, through the help of everyone here, that I'm too good to put myself back in that place. And even if it was all my fault for being a brat, there is nothing I can do to change the past. It's done and over. He's obviously finished with me. I hate being dumped, but I brought it on myself.

Live and learn and on to the next.

Oh, and I never used a man to get back at my ex or to make him jealous. But I must admit, the idea that he probably knows about the hottie at the bar gives me a sinful little sense of satisfaction. Hey, he rejected me and now he knows I've moved on. He saw me as needy, and now he has a better opinion of me. What woman wouldn't find satisfaction in thinking that the man who broke her heart may have realized he made a mistake? For a moment I wanted to go back there, but now I've decided that I won't. End of story.

I had a moment of weakness, but in the end I think I've made a healthy decision. I think being secure with yourself means that you recognize when you are about to do something crazy, and then you are able to rationalize it to come to the appropriate conclusion, even if that conclusion doesn't feel right on the emotional level (and I'm aware that my emotions cannot be trusted, which is why I now analyze the heck out of them before I act).

I don't care how secure I feel, C will always be my weakness. But I choose to not give in to it. This time. I may feel differently when I see him Monday morning ;)

Sorry...this post is longer than I expected. I'm holed up tonight doing homework and I'm stalling to avoid getting back to it. :)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:03am

I am going to have to concur.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:53am

"Just because a guy maybe shows interest, that doesn't mean you have to respond."

I agree, but that is not the case with me. You only know very minor details about my life. I have posted about only 2 guys in detail on this board. I assure you those are not the only 2 guys who have showed interest in the last few months. I was attracted to the goober because of his intellect and because he seemed like a good, honest person. And I wasn't even attracted to him at first. I didn't post during the time before our first date - he pursued me until he won me over and I finally agreed to go out with him. And then he confused and irritated the heck out of me, so I let him go. How have my posts about him screamed insecurity? Just because I was confused about his intentions? Because I was mad at mysef for having sex with him?

And wanting to go back to my ex, whom I was madly in love with, does not scream insecurity. I'll reiterate - it's not about needing a man. It's about a deep connection that I had with a person (by the way I didn't just decide to get him back because me and the goober split. It's just that the timing worked out that way). When we were together we discussed marriage. He referred to himself as my kids' stepdad. We made plans for a future together, then it all fell apart. If you've ever been in love you'd know that this is not a connection that can easily be set aside, especially when you see that person every day. But through much work I did manage to set it aside, then we had a "moment" one day and I realized that the spark wasn't dead, from EITHER end. I was wondering "what if?" I changed, he changed, we were once good together, so why not? And if I were to try again, I questioned "how?"

Maybe I shouldn't have called myself secure. Geez. You'd think I had called myself drop dead gorgeous (which I am NOT - so please no flaming me on that one) or said that I was the most intelligent woman on earth (again - I'm not saying that). But if you knew where I had come from, maybe you could understand why the ability for me to decide that I'm going to ignore my emotions and not try to get back with the ex is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I feel good about being able to make this decision with a sense of peace and self awareness. That is what makes me feel secure about who I am: to know my weaknesses and have the sense of mind to analyze the situation objectively, and then to make a decision based on what is the most beneficial to my emotional health, despite what my heart is yearning for.

Being secure doesn't mean that you stifle your emotions and weaknesses. It doesn't mean that you can't have moments of confusion and thoughts of backsliding into an unhealthy situation. It just means that when all is said and done you make the right decision, and I've done that.

If fact, I'm so done talking about this. Gosh - all I was hoping for were some tips on subtle flirting techniques. I'm sorry I hit a few nerves.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:02am

But if you knew where I had come from, maybe you could understand why the ability for me to decide that I'm going to ignore my emotions and not try to get back with the ex is a HUGE accomplishment for me.


But you haven't decided that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:33am

"We all have our moments of insecurity, so it's not something to be ashamed of, as long as you can bounce back from them."

Yes, EXACTLY!

cfk_3 - yes her post DID strike a cord with me because I too have been in a situation where I was so consumed with a man that it drove me "bratty" (for lack of better words). BUT I did NOT play games. I had a HORRID time getting over it and for a solid year after it "ended" I mourned and hurt. But I didn't look for signs he wanted me back and I didn't "say" I was moving on all the while looking for ways to get him to want me.

The reason I don't think writerchick has really "moved on" or healed the way she would need to is because she talks of her last "bratty" effort in October and then the "bar incident" just 3 weeks ago. That's all of 4 months to "heal"!?!??! I don't see that being the case. Especially with the behavior exhibited at the bar... making out with a total stranger (that she really had no interest in) to make the ex jealous and then later telling his best friend she is still in love with C... wait, I thought she was moving on!? And I guarantee if C "caught wind" of what she said to the best friend - the making out with a total stranger didn't make him jealous it made HIM feel good that she's going to such lengths for him. (I don't know why I wrote all this like I'm writing it to cfk_3 - I'm not really - it's just how it came out!)

I don't think you are "bad" for what you are doing writerchick - love makes us do STUPID things sometimes - but we are intelligent beings and there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your actions and say... okay I might have acted stupid in the past and "claimed" to be moving on - but now I REALLY want to - FOR ME! I want to get past this hold C has on me and *I* want to be the one in control of what I'm doing, what I'm feeling and what I choose to let happen!

And you say "I wasn't asking for advice on what games to play in order to get him to like me again. It's just that I knew I couldn't go for the direct approach, so I wanted to see if anyone had any flirty ideas or indirect ways to let him know that I was interested. And I've never played games with C. I just lashed out with raw emotion." but you ARE playing games if you can't just say "hey C... I've felt like you are trying to rekindle the spark between us and I'm just wondering if I'm reading that wrong?" and then NOT go "brat" on him if he says "no I don't want to go back there".

But personally I think it should be YOU who decides to not want to go back there and then it doesn't matter what C wants... you are choosing YOU and that's the healthy choice!

"nothing is a mistake if you learned the lesson" or something like that!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 12:57pm
I didn't post what I did last night b/c you mistakingly directed it towards me. I could tell there was something there. I knew all that emotion wasn't coming from a place of judgment. I was just curious. I went back later and deleted it b/c I figured it was none of my business, but thanks for elaborating.

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