Unemotional Men

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Unemotional Men
9
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 11:16am

On Monday, T found out that his grandfather has leukemia.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 7:43pm

First let me say that I am very sorry to hear about his loss.

That said, with men and their emotions, the men I have dated have all been very guarded. One told me one time that it stems from the playground, and he would be pummeled by the other boys if he showed any hint of sissy-ness. A lot of men still live on that "playground," and are very attuned to homosocial status with the other guys. They still FEEL emotions, but because they've supressed them for so long, they don't know what to do with them.

Anyway, anytime one of my BFs had a problem, I did what you did: tell them I was there if they needed anything, but then pretty much left them alone. I don't know what men do in their little "caves" but I guess they like to handle it themselves.

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 11:14am

Maybe I should ask him about his playground experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 12:58pm

Yeah, his upbringing could very well have something to do with it as well. Many parents, whether they realize it or not, definitely treat boys differently than girls. Boys aren't supposed to cry, and they're supposed to "suck it up and be a big boy," - you know - it's like they're taught from the getgo that they're not supposed to feel anything.

You may very well find that these incidents (his loss and this tiff you got into last night) very well may bring you closer together in the end because it's going to show you both how the other person handles the "crap" of real life.

Many wishes of good luck to you both...

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:20pm

There is a book, Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back by Nora Vincent which talks about how men display a limited range of emotions because that is how we are trained at a very early age.

Review excerpt: "Spending 18 months in male disguise, she dated women and was accepted by guys in all-male communities and enclaves. Her somber narrative style is a perfect match for her sometimes brutal observations. With precious insights and no apparent axes to grind, this gifted writer gives us a sensitive perspective on the ways men disrespect women, as well as the pressure men feel to perform and compete in our culture."

What Vincent has observed (and I agree) that society lays upon men the expectation that they cannot show much range of emotions especially those kind which show them as weak and vulnerable. Vincent also wrote about her experience dating which she asserts that women want it both ways, that men should take charge AND be vulnerable.

I recommend this book for it gave an insightful perspective on men from a woman.

Mark

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 2:14pm

Terrence Real's book "How Can I Get Through to You?" does a great job of explaining how the way many men are still socialized has a huge impact on relationships. It's an eye-opener--depressing in many ways however because the gap seems SO big. But very helpful.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 3:02pm

In regards to both books, (BTW, I think I saw something on the news somewhere about that book - the woman/man transformation), I still wonder how on earth men and women get together . We are just so different.

I count myself as lucky I suppose. With all the crap we went through, I have a guy who feels perfectly safe in shedding tears over "Cinema Paradiso." Perfectly acceptable and okay by me. :)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 7:24pm

Maybe I do need to read a book on the subject.

Avatar for cfk_3
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Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: cl_shywon
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 11:50pm

I feel badly admitting this, but like you, I do not enjoy guys who are more emotional than I. It freaks me out a little ; )

I agree with one of the other posters, men have suppressed their emotions for so long, for fear of social stigmas, that they simply do not know what to do with them.

- - I saw your pic on the site, I forget, Tripod? Not at all what I had imagined : ) For some reason, I pictured you as a blond(a smart blond though, LOL).

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: cl_shywon
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:32am

I think it freaks me out because I don't know how to deal with it.