The unraveling of ego...,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
The unraveling of ego...,
20
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 10:49am

Psychologists have begun to describe loneliness in our society as an epidemic. Think about that…, an epidemic! And you know what? The statistics back it up. A third of American citizens admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. With all our money, and our titles, and our technology we are more cut off than ever. And the impact on our physical health is a serious one: study after study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die early than those in a relationship, and women were more than 33% more likely to die prematurely.

Why has the pain of loneliness become so prevalent? There are many reasons I’m sure, but there is one that has been documented: when we are alone we lose our identity. While isolated, all your self knowledge, your ego, your personality begins to unravel. The farther into your aloneness you travel, the more you see all your self-knowledge as false. And it can be scary when what you have known your entire life falls apart before your eyes.

When you are alone, everything that you have moved past, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge begins to rise. When you are without sexual love, there is no one to compare yourself to, no way to weigh your love, and that is the true pain of loneliness: the inability to know how much love we have, or how much love we are capable of giving. There is no standard to measure love by, and it is at this point that your identity, and even your personality, begins to disappear.

And all our lives, we have learned to see ourselves as compared to those we love. But family love is not enough to support our identities: only sexual love, only unconditional love is of enough substance to uphold ego. Our identity cards: driver’s licenses, passports, credit cards, all these are part of how we see ourselves. Our past, our descriptions, our reputations, and our accomplishments all help to build our self identity, yet without sexual love we are nothing. And when love falls away, some people feel it as a form of death. And in a deeper sense it is, because how we view ourselves and our ability to love has died.

In this virtual world of dating I simply reach out from a sense of loneliness: I reach out from my unraveling to find a woman who can help me to measure my love: a woman who can mirror who I am and what I am capable of, but more importantly, a woman who will balance the scales of my life.

Without

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 10:56am

I agree that everyone needs unconditional love.


**********


I have to say I completely disagree with this. Right to the core of my sole I belive it is a cop out in that it releases you of responsibility. "They" should just understand and love YOU.


A partner can be forgiving of

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2007
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 9:41am

That was uncalled for and a very rude comment...How dare YOU made such a judgement on someone's personal life that you do not even know!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 10:28am

Very interesting post. However, romantic love is rarely unconditional, otherwise there wouldn't be so many breakups and divorces. Usually these occur because there's something about the other person that one can't accept. Unconditional love is usually from parents to children, and I agree that this is not always the case either.

I've always wondered why, when a relationship ends, I often get more upset than I do when far more tragic things happen. This helps to explain what that loss is really about.

Like others on the board, I also need my share of alone time, but too much alone time can be lonely. I think for the new year, I'm focussing on making more friends to fill my life up with. Having good company, whether it's romantic or not, can make one feel less lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 11:25am

I have to disagree with you. I believe romantic love, specifically deep romantic love, is unconditional. This unconditional aspect of love may however be transitive. If you have ever had a lover that was also a soul mate you will know what I mean. You can love someone with all your heart and soul but this will not stop people and places from changing, and with that change comes the intense pressure on love.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 12:10pm
While I appreciate your viewpoint, being married and divorced 3 times does not make you the authority on real love, which is the tone you're putting forth in your postings. Your justification for all of your arguments, is "I have been married 3 times." Not only does that not make you an expert on love, it actually discredits you somewhat. We have all experienced all kinds of love and are equally qualified to comment on the issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 12:50pm

Your assessment is quite useless, peachykeen. In fact, I am an expert on love and I feel that anyone who has truly been in love even once in their life makes them an expert too. The definition of expert is:


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 1:28pm

Furthermore, when I take advice from people concerning relationships I would seriously avoid someone who had never been through trying times such as divorces and separations. I want to put my trust in people who have risked everything and not given up when things went bad: this includes divorce. I would rather take advice or give credibility to a person who has been through these things than a person who hasn’t.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 1:39pm
I don't have, or claim to have, anywhere near "24 years experience" as you do. But I have been "in love," have just "loved" someone, have been "in lust," and everything in between. My assessment of you from your posts is that, having been married 3 times, you chase after the "in love" feeling, then when it settles down to simply "love," which I am told is the way things naturally progress, you leave that person and chase after that "in love" feeling again. Doesn't sound unconditional to me, but what do I know....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:20am

Ditto..I agree with you. Lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:24am

Hello, Everyone,


This is a reminder about our Terms of Service (TOS http://www.ivillage.com/help/tos.html) and Rules of Play (http://www.ivillage.com/boards/0,,b46m,00.html). Please remember to address other members on the message boards with the same respect you would appreciate in return.

_________________________________________________


Pages