Update
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| Mon, 07-24-2006 - 5:58pm |
To all who responded to my post asking for help with the guy I met on Match.com who agreed to go on a date with another girl after asking me to be exclusive, here is your update/response.
First of all, I did set him up, and I'm not proud of that. However, I have to protect myself here, and I'm not interested in a liar. Also, when someone makes a bad decision like he did, he ought to be prepared for the possibility that he will have to face the music. I took advantage of his mistake in order to answer a very important question, and I think I had every right to do so. My responsibility is to myself.
Secondly, there was none of the "public humiliation" that many of you were worried about. The whole thing was very civil. We are both attorneys, after all, we deal with contentious situations all the time. I walked in, he was already there. He knew immediately that he'd been set up and caught. We got some drinks and went to sit down in a quiet corner of the patio. I asked him all kinds of questions - why did he say he wanted to be exclusive if he didn't really? Why did he lie to me? Of course, both answers were because he "didn't want to hurt my feelings". Well of course, that's usually why people lie. He said that he just wanted to check out this one last girl before he fully committed to me. He did give me kudos for having out-smarted him, and he actually thought my plan was brilliant! We parted ways, having discussed the situation like adults, but without having come to a decision about our future. The next day started wtih an email from him, as if nothing had happened. I said I'd been thinking a lot about what had happened and was surprised he hadn't made a bigger deal out of apologizing. Then there was a long silence. The next day HE said we need to talk, so we did. So we've been going back and forth about whether it makes sense for us to continue this relationship, given that we don't seem to trust each other (he also admitted to checking my cell phone while I was sleeping).
So, I'm not sure what I plan on doing. After all, I don't have to marry him! For heaven's sake - I'm not even divorced yet!! As for the person who made the comment about choosing a mate more wisely - snide comments like that are unnecessary. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of evaluating potential mates.
And for the person who kept saying that I said he was "perfect", I didn't mean literally. Of course he isn't perfect!! What I meant was that, thus far in the relationship, he had been behaving like the perfect boyfriend - very attentive and seemingly very smitten with me. Even asking me to meet his parents.
I am not niave. But to answer the question about his motives for being so serious with me - it's because he's looking for a wife! He's in his mid-30s and all of his friends are married. Even he admits that.
So, we are still seeing each other. I have to concede that (a) I set him up and (b) he didn't actually go on a date with someone else. Neither of us is totally innocent in this situation. So we spent some time together last weekend. We'd already RSVP'd to a wedding and went and had a great time. I liked all of his friends and vice versa. I don't know how this relationship will ultimately pan out, but I trust my instincts, and when the time is right, I'll know whether this is something we can overcome or not, and whether it's worth it to me. At the moment, he is adamant that it's worth it to him. The truth is, he could have just as easily dumped me for tricking him, out of embarrassment, etc., but he didn't. I caught him the first time - I doubt he'll even try again, but even if he does, he won't get away with it. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." If it happens again, I'm out of there. Trust is very important to me. But to be fair, we haven't known each other very long. Trust has to be earned. Perhaps it can be regained. Who knows. But, until I'm sure, I'm giving him another chance. As a very wise man once said, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no sense being a damned fool about it."

I'm glad you didn't throw a drink at him.
Yeah...good luck, you will need it!
Sheri
Lobster_Girl,
Thanks for the update. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Kind of disappointing that it ended happily ever after! What a let down!
Feisty
Edited 7/25/2006 9:54 am ET by feisty01
"I have to concede that (a) I set him up and (b) he didn't actually go on a date with someone else."
Please tell me you aren't serious about this??!!! The only reason he didn't ACTUALLY go out on a date with someone else is because YOU prevented it by showing up and being that date! If you're an attorney, you should know that intent is all that really matters--he fully intended to cheat on you & would have gone through with it had you not shown up! They don't let murderers off who fully INTEND to kill someone but are apprehended by the police before the murder is completed simply because the guy never ACTUALLY committed a murder. Don't let this guy get away with cheating and lying simply because you prevented it from happening!! Someone who can lie to your face about being exclusive and set up a date behind your back clearly has a HUGE character flaw.
It sounds like neither of you trusts the other. Remember that honesty is always the best policy. Its dishonest for him to cheating behind his girlfriend's back and setting up an online date once he told you you guys were exclusive (checking your cell phone is also a HUGE violation of privacy). "Setting him up" was also dishonest--but instead of being bothered by this, you seem to be proud of the fact he gave you "kudos" and thought your plan was "brilliant!" (Another sign that he's got some character issues since he's COMPLIMENTING you on YOUR dishonesty). He's also fully admitted his priority to find a wife, and it doesn't sound like he's all to particular about who that wife is since he's willing to continue seeing someone who "set him up." AND you've admitted you're not even divorced yet??? I don't know the story there, but I wonder if you've even had time to get over the emotional issues the end of a marriage causes?? I know a divorce must be devestating and probalby requires quite a bit of healing time. If a friend of yours was in the same situation what would you tell her about this situation? I hope you use your good sense and get out now & work on finding someone you can trust.
Edited 7/26/2006 5:13 pm ET by riskitgirl
Oh, good, I'm glad to hear it! I was worried about you sticking with a liar...
Sheri