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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:02am |
I told you all about the ex who got married and the emails. I finally got all of my thoughts together today and sent him an email telling him how what he did made me angry and that I thought his behavior was cowardly and dishonest. I must have really pi**ed him off because I got a nasty response saying that he wasn't going to debate it with me and that he thought that I was being unfair and harsh. Then he said that he has no problem with a friend objecting to misbehavior on his part but that he does object to a judgement as delivered on high. Hehehe
I just wrote back and told him that I wasn't surprised that he feels this way and that I had no intention of debating him. I pointed out that I called his behavior cowardly and dishonest but did not say that he himself is that kind of person. I generally think that he is a good person. I said that I cannot deliver judgment as on high since I judge myself as harshly as anyone else in my life and consider myself equals with my friends. I simple expect that same respect and honesty from my friends that I give to them.
I doubt that he will respond to that and I really don't care. I wrote the email telling him how I feel for myself, not him. He obviously has not changed in all of the years since we parted and I surely did not think that one email from me would make him see the light. I wrote that email for me. When he and I were together, I was so scared of losing him that I buried my own feelings. I simply was not going to do that again. I only responded to his email to rebut accusations that he levied on me about being judgmental.
I could have just never written to him again and been done with it that way but I feel better about the entire situation for having called him on his behavior and for sticking up for myself. I validated my feelings (whether he agrees or not) by voicing them instead of burying them or just letting the whole thing go.

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Oh, good for you! I think that kind of emotional release can be really healthy. Plus, I think he needed to hear that he's being an a**.
I did that with my ex when he tried to get me back, and it felt really nice to just say it how it was.
Do you feel like a weight is off your shoulders?
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I do feel better. He wrote back and said a bunch of stuff that is not worth mentioning - basically about how I didn't try to see how his actions could be defensible (whatever). But the end made me laugh - he said that, even if we decided not to email anymore, we did not have to end it in bitterness - that's my choice not his.
Oh, brother. Why is is that me expressing that I thought his behavior reprehensible automatically equates with me being bitter? I cannot believe that he pulled out the bitter card - it just made me laugh.
By using the bitterness card, it sounds like he's trying to deflect his own guilt onto you. Guys will push every button they have available when they've been backed into a corner.
I think the bottom line is you stood up for yourself, found the strength to express how you really feel, and you did it for you. You can't control how he reacts, but maybe he'll learn something from the exchange anyway.
It sounds like he just continues to prove that he's a jerk, and you should count your blessings that you don't have to be with him anymore.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I'm glad you wrote that. It's good to get that stuff off your mind, even if it doesn't sink in with him at all.
As far as his comments, it sounds like he's grasping at straws and still trying to make excuses for what he did. He probably has spent more time trying to justify it than he has trying to repair it. Sad but luckily, not your problem. :-)
I agree with everything that you have said - it is pretty obvious that he is on the defensive. On some level, he knows that I am right. I mean, I flat out called him on not being honest with his wife. I thought that, if anything, he would freak out and tell me that his marriage was none of my business (which it isn't except in so far as he made me party to a lie to his wife). He didn't even mention it which makes me think that he has to know he's in the wrong.
Believe me, I am definitely counting my blessings. I just keep thinking that I could be his wife and he could be having this ridiculous exchange with some other ex without me really knowing. As a good friend of mine said, that thought is just oogy.
"Oogy."
I LOVE that word. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
OK - Now I am starting to feel guilty and a little regretful. I meant what I said but since I knew that sending it to him would not make a difference, I may have hurt him for nothing. And I don't want to be that person. I did not do it at all out of anger or bitterness - I let some time pass and decided that he needed to hear it and I needed towrite it. But now just feeling like a jerk.
Must be that new not smoking thing I am trying...
Ditto to what Lesley said!
I think women are a lot more prone to that guilt. Don't give into it. You had something you needed to say and you said it, and now he has to deal with it in his own way. You are not responsible for his reactions - he is.
Unfortunately, he just tried to push your buttons by labeling you as bitter. You're not bitter, you are understandably offended. Those are two different things, and you do not need to feel guilty for that.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
You're right. Besides, I got his tome of a response which just further vindicated my feelings. When we stopped being friends, it was because I realized that I still had feelings for him and that they would not go away. You know how it is - I had myself convinced that I just wanted to be his friend. But that only works for awhile and so we ceased all contact.
He actually tried to equate my keeping those feelings from him (which I had been keeping from myself too) with him keeping his marriage from me. Bbbwwwwaaaahahahahaha. My, my, my. The lengths to which we will go when feeling defensive.
He also said that my not telling him that I was dating someone when we were friends is the same thing. Of course, he was the one who said that he did not want us to talk about our dating lives once we were friends. And the guy that I was dating knew that I was talking to him. AND - when I realized that I might still have feelings for the B*st*rd, I told the guy I was seeing. It's one of the reasons that we broke up. So I know that I was honest. I bet he just wishes that he could say the same - that he was as honest with his wife as I was with a boyfriend of 2 months.
Oy. I responded, pointed out where I disagreed with him, and told him that he shouldn't want to email someone who is so judgmental. I wished him luck. I gave him his chance to defend himself - the ultimate in fair since it's such a crock anyway - and he responded by attempting to show that I am just as bad a person as he is.
Let him have the last word - I am done.
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