update--moving on, new guy, and more

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
update--moving on, new guy, and more
97
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm

Hi,

I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.

I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.

When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.

As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?

I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?

Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.

Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 3:43pm

Well Shari I cannot speak for anyone but my small circle of compatriots, but like I said in another post we cannot blame either sex for more or less of this type of behavior…, I could complain of many women who wouldn’t return my calls after a couple of dates, rude behavior, or showing diametrically opposed signs of interest…, but that would be to no avail.

I think the real crux of the situation is that we are all exposing ourselves to each other in this dating game (pun not intended), and this is in fact not a game.., people’s feelings are being hurt left and right and although I’m not a religious man per se, I refer to the Golden Rule on this one.

I came to iVillage in hopes of understanding how women really think and it’s now just becoming clear to me that we are actually more similar than I ever thought possible…, and that Dr. Grey had it all wrong; men aren’t from Mar’s and women Venus…, but we are both from the same planet we just need different things from our environment….,

…, men don’t want to feel rejected so they are very cautious in asking women out or showing their feelings, instead they theorize on all aspects of women’s behavior and what they say…, and women are too quick to allow players (the few men who are out there hitting women up all the time and playing on their emotions) to seduce them and then wonder why he left so suddenly…, most likely he was only looking for one thing and was willing to sacrifice some energy and resources while chasing it.

All this aside I would have to say Seattle is one of the worst places n the country to be single and dating in…, but for the most part Northwest society is pretty well mannered.

Sweet dreams,
Ken

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:06pm

adrastos,

Thank you. This is very enlightening and it's nice to know that some men agree that this guy's actions were indefensible.

And from what you describe, Seattle sounds like a lovely town, besides what I hear about the weather. Unfortunately, I think moving to Santa Barbara contributed to my recent dating debacle. I was new here, lonely, without my support network, and in a town full of retirees, college students, and the occasional handsome, fit, 30-somethings who enjoy the leisurely life a little too much and refuse to grow up. I dated one of the latter. So I blame him, I blame myself, and I blame the air. : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:23pm

Hey,
I own the book, haven't read it either, but just the title usually makes me laugh and end up being more honest with myself.

Boys really are silly aren't they! :) And they think we're tough to figure out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:49am

It's great to see a man on here writing long and thoughtful posts.

Now, I don't want you to get the idea that I am a man basher. Whenever this has happened on here, I have stayed away from it because I think that men and women are equally as good and bad to one another.

You said that I should accept 50% of the blame for relationship problems but that completely misses the point. My statement was not about laying blame but more about the differences in how men and women view what is realistic in a relationship and how that effects their ability to get serious and stick it out. I celebrate the differences between men and women. I am an old fashioned woman who likes her men to be men and cherishes different roles for the sexes.

Just as you said that you are speaking of your experience and your circle of friends when making generalizations, you will note that I made the same caveat in my original post. What I wrote about men being less realistic in their expectations has been true of my experience and that of my friends. Which, by the way, also means my male friends. I am really close friends with my last semi-serious boyfriend and he admits that he and the men that he is close with are more likely to end a relationship because there *could* be something better out there. I also agree with his statement that women will get serious more quickly but men are more solid in their feelings once they get to that point. Again, I think that this is a difference in the sexes and not an issue of apportioning blame.

By the way, I never said that it had anything to do with a man's penis. And, I hope that when you said "you dysfunctional types" that you were referring to the royal you. I would take issue with being called dysfunctional.

Jules

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 11:45am

I'm the one that mentioned the penis, and I was referring to those call backs that happen a few weeks or months into the breakup, just trying to "check up" on us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:09pm

Thank you jules and shywon,
“For you dysfunctional types out there” is just a saying I use all the time and was not pointed at anyone in particular…., but you’re right in that it goes for all of my family although we don’t have any royal blood in our veins…,

I’ll have to be more thoughtful at posting when I’m replying to multiple people…, jules; I knew you weren’t the one who mentioned the penis and I thank shywon for fessing up….., hahaha. But really I think that once again it’s situationally specific. For instance I broke up with a woman I was dating for 6 months…, and I called her back a few weeks later to say hi and see how she was doing…, not for the hope of sex…, not for a guilty conscious…, but because I was genuinely concerned about how she was feeling and if she needed to talk about it. I’m sure the way shywon describes it, that happens just as much…, once again 50/50 most likely. That’s if anyone cared enough to compile statistics like this.

I disagree with you jules concerning men being more willing to end a relationship because there could be something better out there. Women have always had the power of choosing the relationship. “Men pick, women choose”…, men can show their interest but it’s the women who make the choice if it’s going to go any farther or not…, it’s women who constantly have back up men they are flirting with…, it’s women who turn their love on and off like a switch…,

Look at the divorce rate…., over 60% nationally and 78% of those divorces are initiated by women…, why do you think there is such a disparity in those numbers…, and do you not give any credence to evolutionary biology where a females mental, physical, and emotional responses were developed to protect her young and replace the male should he be killed, wounded, or failed to be a suitable provider?

But I’ll be a good sport and still take 50% of the blame.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:33pm

I don't know where your statistics come from, but I'd be willing to bet a bunch of money that even if women do initiate the vast majority of divorces, it's because of something their husband did...cheating, lies, betrayal, treating the spouse like dirt, withdrawing emotionally from the marriage, etc., and the husband was not willing to work on the marriage so the woman had no choice but to end it (or stay miserable).

And you do realize that calling someone you broke up with, even if it's motivated by a "good reason" as yours was, is selfish and hurtful, right? The last thing someone who has been dumped needs is the person who dumped her (or him) calling to check up on her! Contact, even if kindly intended, is just going to set her back.

And in my experience, it's men who have the backups and who (appear to, at least) turn their love off like a switch...it's the women who are usually striving to fix things in the relationship, to meet their partner more than halfway...and the men who make little to no effort.

In my most recent relationship, my ex just disappeared after a year and a half. Our last conversation was all about how he wanted to recommit to our relationship, how he realized he wasn't doing a good job of keeping the connection going (we were LD), how important I am to him...and then poof, nothing. Won't return calls or emails...I'm just so much dirt all of a sudden. I supported him emotionally through the death of his father, job troubles, the hurricane...and this is how he treats me in return, like I am not even a person. So don't talk to ME about women treating men badly...I'm sure it happens, but it's far from ALL women, and from where I'm sitting (my own experiences and those of my friends and acquaintances), any bad behavior is far more likely to be on the part of the guy, not the woman. I *do* recognize that not all men are like this, but it sure feels like there are more bad apples than good.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 12:59pm

Sheri - you said pretty much everything that I wanted to, so thanks.

I'll also add to adrastos that he mentioned a woman calling him after a break-up and how he would not respond to that but then turned around and did the same thing to a woman that he broke up with. I hope that she responded the same way that he did.

Lastly, adrastos, you don't have to agree with me. You have twice said that you don't and I get it. Your experience is different than mine but that does not invalidate the experience that I have had.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:18pm

I am also strongly against making any phone calls after you dump someone. When you dump someone you're letting them go, so let them go. Let them enjoy their lives without you. To call up to check in is presumptuous. This guy more or less already wished me a good life, so why call again just to "check in?" One thing I did learn about him when we were dating is that he's always done the dumping in his relationships. On at least two occasions, the exes begged him to go back and he did, only to dump them again. His story was that they were unstable and he was being a good guy because he didn't want them to hurt themselves. Now I see how patently absurd this is. He really wasn't THAT great!

I think there are men whose identities depend on putting women through this kind of thing. I know of women who need constant male admiration, but there are also guys who need to feel desired by women in the most ridiculous way. I believe he was calling me to see if I was miserable without him and was expecting me to beg and plead for him to come back. As emotionally messed up as I was over him, one thing I never lost was my pride.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:05pm

Well, if he were that great, he would do the honorable thing and let them get on with their lives. Not go back just to put them through the breakup nightmare all over again. There was one man who really broke my heart and he never contacted me - he respected that. Shortly after we broke up (a couple of months with no contact), my best friend died and I called him and he was there for me. Now, many years later, we are long distance friends and email almsot daily. But again I initiated that. He always wanted my friendship but respected how tough it was for me. He left that door open and it took me 3 years to walk through it - it took me that long to get completely over him.

His friendship is very important to me and it never could have been that way had he not been selfless enough to let me heal and contact him when/if I was ready. I have never contacted anyone that I broke up with. Then again, most of my breakups have been mutual aside from the one time that I was dumped and the two times that I did the dumping.

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