update--moving on, new guy, and more

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
update--moving on, new guy, and more
97
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm

Hi,

I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.

I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.

When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.

As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?

I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?

Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.

Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:13pm

Thanks Sheri,
So as I see it the pendulum is swinging both ways.., my fiancé of 6 years up and left with no explanation, taking her two girls with her and not even having the decency of letting the girls talk to me…, she married 4 months later and divorced a year after that from what I’ve gathered through rumor…, she called me a couple months after she left to see how I was doing, and I let her know how hurt I was, what I was feeling, and what was in my heart…, she comforted me be leaving a voice mail the next day saying we shouldn’t talk anymore…, WTF…, she called me, I didn’t call her���.., a year and a half later she apparently saw me at Starbucks and wrote me a letter saying how much she missed me and gave me all her contact information…, missed me? I had never even talked to the girls over that period of time nor did she ever contact me except that one call…

So Sheri…, 1st wife filed for divorce…, 2nd wife filed for divorce…, this fiancé left…., my experiences reflect the census information which is where I got my statistics for…, The US Census Bureau website.

What’s the difference?…, I was not upset she called me…, I thought it was a nice gesture on her part to see how I was getting along. I don’t see how checking up on someone is bad…, I’ve been on both sides of the fence on this issue and don’t understand the negative aspect of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:28pm

I was hoping that you could link to the Census report where you got that information. My father worked for the Dept of Commmerce for years and I know that they compile divorce statistic as well as family unit statistics but I was not aware that they differentiated between divorces requested men VS those requested by women.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:29pm

Jules,
I’m in no way trying to dismiss your experiences as irrelevant, I’m just disagreeing with you from what I’ve seen through male eyes.

I agree with you and SBbabe that there are times, both male and female, where the after-the-fact call is in the hopes for sex or to bolster an obviously disturbed ego but I still do not see where it could hurt if you were to contact that person in a good faith effort to help them through their pain…, maybe they need to get it all out…, yell at you…, tell you off…, who knows, but I for one will not say that a person should not call if they dumped someone.

Of course, I’m a communicator and like to discuss issues and find solutions to the problems not just sweep everything under the rug and move on. Maybe that is why I hear everyone talking about hurting for so long…, because they never confront those issues and put closure to them…, that’s what a counselor would tell you to do most likely.

Once I had discussed my feelings with Dodie I was able to close the issue and move on…, most of the pain stopped after that…, well at least that gnawing hole in my gut stopped…, but until that conversation with her I was as broken hearted as anyone can be. So I see that type of call as therapeutic in nature, and like I said never felt bad giving it or getting it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:36pm

I agree that it is important to get closure but not everybody does that in the same way. I try to never let anything go unsaid when a relationship ends. There's no point in holding back. But once that is done, I need to not have contact with that person because it always allows for even a teeny tiny kernel of hope. I think that it is selfish to contact someone after you have broken up with them. You can still offer to be there for them if they need you and leave the decision up to them. That is what my ex did and, when I needed him, he was an amazingly good friend to me. But, had he continued to contact me, it would have let me hope that maybe he could love me after all and I was so in love with him that I would not have been emotionally available to anyone else as long as that hope was alive. The only way that I could get over him was to move on without his freindship.

I am not against contact after a breakup per se. But HE broke up with ME and everything was on his terms. He at least understood that now things had to be on my terms since I as the one hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:37pm

I think it depends where you are in the healing process after a breakup. If you read some of the posts on the breaking up board, you'll see how emotionally raw people are immediately after a breakup and how much they struggle with moving on without an ex even when they know the right thing to do is get on with their lives. When exes reappear during these stages, it can set a person back a lot. If this guy I was seeing turns up a year from now, I'm quite sure I won't feel any bitterness. I don't think I'll have much interest in friendship because we never were friends, but the pain will have subsided. When he called me a couple days ago, it threw me for a loop, because I'd struggled and struggled but started to accept that he was out of my life and he calls just as I was making this turn.

How did you feel when your ex-fiance called after two months, as opposed to the time she contacted you after a year and a half? Your state of mind must have been very different at these points in time.

Also some relationships are more substantial and longer than others, so of course sometimes a call or check in will be perfectly understandable. You shared something meaningful, probably had a friendship so you don't want to totally disregard that. My situation is different--it was a month. There's no friendship to salvage, no real reason for him to be concerned about how I'm doing especially after he dumped me over email. For these more superficial relationships, I think the check in is about feeling lonely, horny, or boosting the ego For longer, more meaningful relationships, I suppose I can see why catching up makes sense, but if a breakup took place under painful/unfair circumstances, I'd think some atonement would be in order.




Edited 12/21/2005 2:41 pm ET by santabarbarachick
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:38pm

Is that the sound of a dead horse being beaten or have I just been listening to too much Christmas music?!?

I can't possibly add anything more, just wanted to back you gals up on this one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:41pm
Thanks, LL! At first I thought that you were calling me a dead horse...LOL!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:43pm

Yes, there are certainly people of both genders who are emotionally unhealthy, and it sounds like your ex-fiancee is one of them. That's why it's important, IMO, to not generalize based on gender, but rather to judge each person as an *individual*. I personally think more single men than single women in our age group are emotionaly unhealthy, however...in large part because there is such a perceived stigma among men with respect to therapy (more women than men seem to be willing to work on their issues rather than sweep them under the rug). But I do hear from my single guy friends how many unhealthy women there are out there...but they are not among my group of female friends (I don't like drama so I don't tend to have friends who are drama queens).

However, where I get stuck is giving men I'm involved with too much benefit of the doubt...it sounds like you might do the same if you were with this woman for six years. I also am attracted to men with "big" personalities...and I tend to overlook emotional issues if they are fun, interesting, outgoing people (because I seem to meet either interesting men with emotional issues or boring men who are more well-adjusted...can't seem to find someone who has both emotional health and a fun, interesting personality!).

I do think that someone who leaves without an explanation DOES owe a phone call and an apology...so that's one exception to the general rule of no contact (I know an apology would help me immensely in my situation but I'm not expecting one). But if you've had a mature breakup (as opposed to the disappearing act), there's no need to "check up" on the other person...I always leave it that I will wait for them to contact me if and when they are ready (and if I'm the one who's being dumped, I ask for that consideration because I know contact will set me back in my healing process).

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:55pm

I think we posted at the same time, but that's exactly what I was getting at in the last part of my latest post...if you have a mature breakup, then there's no need for a post-mortem. If there's no breakup at all (or what I would call an immature one where both people don't have a chance to say their piece), then there may be the need...but in my case at least, it's unlikely to happen, because someone who would just leave a relationship of significant length by disappearing is by definition someone who's not emotionally healthy or mature...so I'm not going to be holding my breath hoping that he'll do the right thing.

And I also agree that it's one thing if the dumpee WANTS to call the other person for clarification...but the dumper shouldn't be the one initiating the call (again, unless he or she pulled the disappearing act).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 3:04pm

Jules,
You are correct..., that statistic is not on the Census Bureau website…, I must be very succinct when I post to you. The following is what IS posted on their website…, the actual statistic of women filing was extrapolated out of this data using the total number of divorces and the aggregate percentages of specific filings. I do not have the link for you as I could not locate the specific information that I found, as I had surfed so many websites…, however I think I found it in an article on DivorceMagazine.com and I liked their format on the Census Bureau divorce stats better so that’s what I posted…, very interesting read if you take a minute or two to plow through this list…, I like this one the best "Fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, 90% of homeless/runaway children, 85% of children with behavior problems, 71% of high school dropouts, 85% of youths in prison, well over 50% of teen mothers"...,

Marriage & Divorce:
(2002 except where noted)
Total divorces granted in 1997: 1,163,000
Rate per 1,000 population (1999):
(excluding CA, CO, IN and LA) 4.1
State with the lowest divorce rate: (1997) Massachusetts. Rate per 1,000 population: 2.4
State with the higest divorce rate: Nevada. Rate per 1,000 population: (1997) 9.0
Percentage of population that is married: 59% (down from 62% in 1990, 72% in 1970)
Percentage of population that has never married: 24%
Percentage of population that is divorced: 10% (up from 8% in 1990, 6% in 1980)
Percentage of population that is widowed: 7%
Median age at first marriage: Males: 26.9
Females: 25.3
Median age at first divorce: Males: 30.5
Females: 29
Median age at second marriage: Males: 34
Females: 32
Median age at second divorce: Males: 39.3
Females: 37
Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years
Females: 7.9 years
Median duration of second marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.3 years
Females: 6.8 years
Median number of years people wait to remarry after their first divorce: Males: 3.3 years
Females: 3.1 years
Percentage of married people who reach their 5th, 10th, and 15th anniversaries: 5th: 82%
10th: 65%
15th: 52%
Percentage of married people who reach their 25th, 35th, and 50th anniversaries: 25th: 33%
35th: 20%
50th: 5%
Percentage of people who have ever been married by the age of 25: Males: 32%
Females: 50%
Percentage of people who have ever been married by the age of 35: Males: 77%
Females: 84%
Percentage of people who have ever been married by the age of 45: Males: 87%
Females: 90%
Percentage of people who have ever been married by the age of 55: Both males and females: 95%
Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce in 1997: 43%
Percentage of all householders who are unmarried in 2000: 48%
Percentage of weddings which are remarriages for at least one partner in 1997: 43%
Percentage of first marriages that end in divorce in 1997: 50%
Percentage of remarriages that end in divorce in 1997: 60%
Percentage of divorced women who remarry within five years as of 1995: 54%
Estimated average length of divorce proceedings in 1997: 1 year
Percentage of African American adults in this age group never married in 1998: 53%
Percentage of households occupied by one person in 2000: 25.5%
Percentage of population (by area of US) who had never married in 1999: Midwest: 28%
Northeast: 28%
South: 26%
West: 29%
Number of married couples (2000): 56,497,000
Number of married people whose spouses are absent (2000): Males: 1,365,000 (1.3%)
Females: 1,365,000
(1.2%)
People who have been widowed (2000): Males: 2,604,000
(2.5%)
Females:11,061,000 (10%)
People who are divorced (2000): Males: 8,572,000 (8.3%)
Females: 11,309,000 (10.2%)
People who are separated (2000): Males: 1,818,000 (1.8%)
Females: 2,661,000 (2.4%)
Percentage of people that married under the age of 20 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 40%
Percentage of people that married over the age of 25 who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 24%
Percentage of couples not affiliated with any religious group who eventually get divorced as of 1995: 46%
Percentage of women whose parents were divorced who get divorced within 10 years as of 1995: 43%
Percentage of women whose parents stayed together who get divorced within 10 years as of 1995: 29%
Interracial married couples in 2000: 1,047,000
Number of unmarried couples living together: 5.5 million
Percentage of unmarried couples living together that are male-female unions: 89%
Percentage of women who cohabited before they turned 30 in 1995: 50%
Percentage of couples living together for more than five years who eventually marry as of 1995: 70%
Number of people divorcing each year as of 1997: 2.5 million
Drop in standard of living of females after divorce as of 2000: 45%
Number of women who are stalked by a husband or ex-husband every year as of 1997: 380,000
Number of men who are stalked by a wife or ex-wife every year as of 1997: 52,000
Click here for a state-by-state ranking of divorce rates.

Children/Single parents:
(2000 except where noted)
Number of children in new divorces each year as of 1997: 1 million
Percentage of parents who had never married in 1998: Males: 35%
Females: 42%
Percentage of households which are family households: 68.8%
Percentage of households with their own children under 18: 33%
Percentage of married householders with kids: 24%
Percentage of family households with children with only one parent in 1998: 27%
Percentage of all households run by single moms: 9.2%
Percentage of all households run by single dads: 1.9%
Number of adults living in a home maintained by one or both parents in 1998: 22 million
Number of single parents: Males: 2.04 million
Females: 9.68 million
Estimated number of children involved in divorce in 1997: 1,075,000
Rate per 1,000 population children under 18 involved in divorce in 1997: 16.8
Children under 18 years of age living with just one parent in 1998: 20 million (28%)
Percentage of children under 18 years of age living with both parents (2002): 69%
Percentage of children under 18 years of age living with mother only (2002): 23%
Percentage of children under 18 years of age living with father only (2002): 5%
Percentage of children under 18 years of age living with neither parent (2002): 4%
Percentage of children in single-parent homes living with their mother in 1998: 84%
Percentage of children living with single parents for whom no other adults were present in the household in 1998: 56%
Children under 18 living in the household of their grandparents in 1998: 4 million (6%)
Total families in which the child lived with two parents in 1997: 25.6 million
Total single fathers maintaining their own household: 1.786 million
Total single fathers living in the home of a relative: 240,000
Total single fathers who are divorced: 913,000
Total single fathers never married: 693,000
Total single fathers who were separated in 1997: 260,000
Total single fathers raising one child: 1,300,000
Total single fathers raising four or more children: 55,000
Total single mothers maintaining their own household: 7.571 million
Total single mothers living in the home of a relative: 1.633 million
Total single mothers who are divorced: 3.392 million
Total single mothers never married: 4.181 million
Total single mothers raising one child: 5.239 million
Total single mothers raising four or more children: 475,000
Percentage of children (by race) living in two-parent households in 1998: White: 74%
Black: 36%
Hispanic: 64%
Percentage of children living with one parent who lived with a divorced parent in 1997: 38%
Percentage of children living with one parent who lived with a never-married parent in 1997: 35%
Percentage of children living with one parent who lived with a separated parent in 1997: 19%
Percentage of children living with one parent who lived with a widowed parent in 1997: 4%
Percentage of children living with one parent whose spouse lived elsewhere because of business or some other reason in 1997: 4%
Percentage of children in two-parent households whose parents were college graduates in 1998: 29%
Percentage of children in single-parent households whose parents were college graduates in 1998: 9%
Percentage of children with single parents (by gender) earning under $12,500 in 1998: Living with fathers: 17%
Living with mothers: 41%
Single-parent children living in metropolitan areas in 1997: 14.5 million
Single-parent children living in cities with populations of 1 million or more in 1997: 9.2 million
Percentage of births which were to unmarried women in 1997: 32%
Percentage of same-sex female householders with kids in 1998: 17%
Percentage of women with kids before marriage who were divorced within 10 years as of 1995: 50%
For US Census Bureau data on child support for custodial parents, please click here.

In 1996, children of divorce were 50% more likely than their counterparts from intact families to divorce.
In 19 states reporting custody in 1997: 72% of custody were awarded to the wife, 9% were awarded to the husband. In 16% joint custody was awarded. Parents who are awarded and receive child support have higher incomes.
Fatherless homes account for 63% of youth suicides, 90% of homeless/runaway children, 85% of children with behavior problems, 71% of high school dropouts, 85% of youths in prison, well over 50% of teen mothers.

Percentage of smokers who had been divorced in 1997: 49%
Percentage of nonsmokers who had been divorced in 1997: 32%
Percentage of divorces due to economic problems in 1997: 4.2%
Percentage of divorces due to irreconcilable differences in 1997: 80%

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