update--moving on, new guy, and more
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm |
Hi,
I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.
I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.
When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.
As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?
I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?
Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.
Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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Thank you SBbabe,
I agree with you on the quickie breakups…, after those are done there is really nothing left to be said…, like jules said it all should have been said at the close…, which in your case was an e-mail, which I think we all agree was tastless and wimpy.
I don’t think I could take reading the “breaking up” board because of how emotionally draining those things can be…, my heart goes out to anyone going through it and I would never intentionally cause any further harm to someone that I was involved with.
To answer your question I was confused when she called after 2 months but aware that this was my chance to confront the issues I had and questions that were not resolved…., and when I got the letter two years later I simply tore it up because I knew that there was really nothing there anymore.
I have to say that I still don't see how you can arrive at any statisticaly valid argument that more women file for divorce. I do find this information interesting (and read all kinds of statistics from the Census Bureau and the Bureau of Labor Statistica and countless other agencies for my job). I see where the total number of divorces comes from, it is clearly listed here. But there is no gender specific information on filing for divorce and any conclusions you came to based on the information you listed are not supported by these statistics. If I'm wrong (and it would sure as heck not be the first time), then please explain to me how you arrived at your conclusion.
Thanks.
Jules,
Like I said, the data I referred to was listed in an article on that website…, I’m not a statistician…., I simply relay information I feel is valid…, I would not have quoted any statistics that appeared biased; for example, from a site named mysogynists.com…, if there is such one..., hahaha.
I saw it, so I quoted it…, my only failure was I quoted the site as the US one and not DivorceMagazine (still not sure if that is where the article was)…,
When I get a chance I will do more research on that fact and then report back to you with the findings and my exact sources���, I’m sure you will be enlightened when you have to accept the fact that women file for divorces ¾’s of the time…,
…, but I’m sure it will all be the man’s fault.
If you didn't call her for sex or because of a guilty conscious, then why?
Thank you jules I agree with your last post…,
…, 5 minutes on the net (on my lunchtime no less) and I found research papers, articles, and documentation that women file for 70 to 80% of all divorces.
Here is a quick spattering for you, this book;
THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING:
WHY MOST DIVORCE FILERS ARE WOMEN
by Margaret F. Brinig and Douglas W. Allen
These two articles citing research papers;
Divorce report does a number on marriage," John Collison, National Post, Thursday, December 17, 1998
Child Custody Policies and Divorce Rates in the US, Richard Kuhn, Children's Rights Council Washington, D.C., John Guidubaldi, D.Ed., John Carroll University (Cleveland, OH) and Kent State University (Kent, OH)
Here's another blurb;
The proportion of divorces initiated by women ranged around 60% for most of the 20th century, and climbed to more than 70% in the late 1960s when no-fault divorce was introduced: so says a just-released study by law professor Margaret Brinig of George Mason University in Arlington, Virginia and Douglas Allen, economist at Vancouver's Simon Fraser University. The researchers undertook one of the largest studies ever on divorce, using 46,000 cases from the four American states that keep statistics on which partner initiates the action. In addition to women filing twice as often, the researchers found, they are more likely to instigate separations and marriage break ups.
The Brinig-Allen study also explodes the myth of the brutish husband, finding, for instance, that cruelty is cited in only 6% of divorce applications in Virginia, one of the few states that still uses fault grounds for divorce. More women than men obtain desertion-based divorces in Virginia, but adultery cases are evenly split between men and women.
Arizona State University psychologist Sanford Braver provides backup for the Brinig-Allen study. In his new book, Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths, Mr. Braver surveyed 400 divorcing couples seeking causes for the breakdown of their marriages. He found "violence or abuse strikingly absent." Instead, less dramatic factors prevailed, such as "growing apart" or "spouse not able or willing to meet my needs." In Canada, adds economist Allen, where one divorce occurs in every three marriages, the findings are similar.
There was A LOT more.
In all honesty shywon…, I really did call her because I was worried about her. She never said anything the day we broke up, she just nodded her head and I could see the pain in her eyes when the door closed.
And I did think calling her would help. I thought if she needed something to say to me that would be a chance for her to get it off her mind…, I really wasn’t looking to gain anything at all.., just see how she was doing.
Really, with the way the women in have my side of the bed filled before it gets cold…, I wholly expected her to tell me she had a new beau…, but she just mentioned a few trivial items…, and yes it was in a “bytchy” tone.., and that was it.., I never called her again…, this was the woman I dated for 6 months.
But I agree with everyone here that if this were a one month thing I would have broken it off in person and never contacted her again…, unless it was the disappearing act, which none of us understand…, I certainly don’t…, and would never do that to anyone…., it’s just so insensitive.
Now I have had convo’s with women on the internet that have seemed to be progressing fine and then blam…., she disappears off the face of the planet…., but this is a different situation and the e-mail buddy just figures they got interested in someone else..,
…, I can understand that kind of disappearance.
That makes sense to me, that women would be more likely to file than men when a marriage breaks down, based on my experience that women are more likely than men to DO something about personal issues, rather than sweep them under the rug. I would bet that in many of the cases where "spouse not able or willing to meet my needs" was given as the cause, the woman tried for years to get her spouse to go to counseling or whatever but finally gave up and filed. The woman may have filed, but it was his choice to do nothing to save the marriage.
That is interesting that adultery-based cases were evenly split though, I would not have guessed that.
Re abuse being "strikingly absent", I personally think that failing to be willing to meet the other person's needs can arise to the level of emotional abuse, but it doesn't sound like the study measured for that, just physical abuse.
Now, please note I am not saying that ALL divorces filed by women are due to something the man did, but I also don't think that the fact that a woman files for divorce means that it was something she chose willingly.
Sheri
Yeah, see that seems selfish and thoughtless to me, even though you meant well. Why not let her call YOU if she needed to? Why impose the contact on her if she's not seeking it?
P.S. I just wanted to add, I'm not trying to beat up on you ;-), just show you a different way of looking at it from HER side (empathy).
Sheri
Edited 12/21/2005 5:24 pm ET by northwestwanderer
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