update--moving on, new guy, and more
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm |
Hi,
I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.
I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.
When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.
As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?
I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?
Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.
Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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Hey Sheri,
Sucky breakup.. sorry :-(.... Long distance is something I don't even try. My last relationship did not last after 1.5 yr partly because the distance between us, and that is only 17 miles.
For me every relationship, I learn something about myself - who I am, what I like, what worked and what did not work in the relationship, whether my assumptions proved OK or not, etc.
I ended my last relationship. She actually asked if I wanted to break up. We talked about this on the phone and later met for closure.
Right now, I'm excited about this woman (after a month on match.com with no real prospects) that was introduced to me by a mutual friend. We'll see..
Hugs
Mark
Thanks Jules for you comment about NOT blaming but to understand/learn about the differences. My spiritual/life practice is to be compassionate with all... in order to do that I need to understand. I also avoid using labels like "dysfunctional" because it puts people in boxes and categories which usually stops understanding and slows down on me being compassionate.
Mark
But Sheri..., that's what I thought I was doing..., showing some empathy.
I would have thought ceasing all contact was being a jerk...,
Well Shari...,
…, on the surface I understand what you're saying but it doesn't jive with my personal experience..., I went to counseling in both my marriages and was the one to ask for it both times. The first divorce was mutual but the second was the “irreconcilable differences” type. She never tried to work on it…, just drifted away it seemed. She was in her thirties and never married before so maybe that had something to do with it.
I would expect the numbers to be closer…, for example the 1% difference between the number of men and number of women in the King County area. There certainly must be more hidden behind these numbers…, why such a disparity?
Could it be that women are asking too much from men now-a-days that they can never live up to her expectations? Or is it the pacification of men in general that is spitting out PC males and not the “hunk a burnin love” women are looking for? Could it be women are getting married too quickly and not taking time to learn about the men they’re with? Maybe it’s simply that we’re jumping into bed too quickly and when we finally wake up the person we see isn’t what our sexual fantasy painted? If the numbers were reversed and men represented 80% of the filing, how would we explain that?
I think it’s the women that are not sure of what they want…, and then when they change their minds it’s the easy way out. It’s a neat way to avoid responsibility…, “we were going different directions”…, “he changed”…, “I needed more than he could give”…, “I want a real man”…, “He couldn’t see the big picture”…,
I understand that ;-). I'm just pointing out the other side of it. If you've had a mature breakup, ceasing contact as the "dumper" is respectful and the right thing to do because it allows the dumpee the time and space they need to get over you. If they need to talk to you to clarify something for closure, they will call, or when they are over you and ready to be friends, they will call. But talking to the person who dumped you while you're getting over them generally just causes you MORE pain, not less.
Sheri
Thanks for sharing that about your breakup and subsequent healing process. For me I would be clueless in knowing how to behave with my ex. My intentions are always "honorable" it is just knowing how to show that in my behavior. I can only operate out of my own experience (limited with women and breakups) as with any other person. My encounters with people are under the assumption that they have good intentions, especially if their behavior seems out-of-sync to me. I check out their intentions and give them grace. I also hope they do in kind with me.
Mark
Ok, did I say *anywhere* in my post that the woman trying/man not trying scenario was the case in *every* marriage, LOL???? I did not. But it is a common scenario, more common, I believe, than the opposite.
Unless and until there's a paradigm shift in the way men approach relationships and personal issues, I doubt the statistic on who files will ever change much.
I would urge you to read a very enlightening book called "How Can I Get Through To You" by Terrance Real. He's a Boston area therapist who's done a lot of research into depression in men and also how the way many men are socialized does a disservice to them in the area of romantic relationships in this day and age. So many men are still thinking women need them to "take care of them" physically and financially and if they do so that's all they need to do in a relationship, and that's simply not the case any more. What women are looking for from their SO, as a rule, is *emotional* support. And most men don't know how to give it because they've never been taught and/or that has never been valued in their lives.
I don't think that's too much to ask (emotional support), but for many men, it IS too much.
And yes, of course there are the people who jump in too quickly, have unrealistic expectations, etc. We see a lot of women on these boards who expect their SOs to be different after marriage for some reason.
Anyway...all any of can do, I believe, is get as emotionally healthy as we can, be sure of who we are and what we want in a relationship, and then look for a partner who matches us well. I certainly do not want to get divorced again so I am trying to be as careful as I can in choosing a partner. I may never get there, but that's ok. At this point in my life, I would rather be alone than settle for less than what I want.
Sheri
Shari,
I agree with you totally and never meant to imply you thought "that the woman trying/man not trying scenario was the case"..., as with all of these discussions these are merely generalizations and need to be taken with a grain of salt.
I think it makes sense that the education of men to the "emotional" needs of women is lacking. I have never read the book you suggest but it sounds very interesting, and I will certainly check it out.
So my question to you is why "if women are looking for emotional support as a rule" do you constantly see them dating men who are not emotionally supportive? Is it that she hopes to change him..., or is it "that" quality in men that women are attracted to? Elusiveness, mystery, a challenge.
The "nice" guy is too easy, too supportive, too emotional..., women don't like it. A guy is better off being a jerk, and having a don't give a rat's ass attitude..., he get's a lot more dates from that.
It's just like if I wanted to take a woman sailing and I tell her how much she would like it, how much fun it is, and what a great time we would have..., 9 times out of 10 she won't accept...,
..., but if I say, hey I'm sailing tomorrow and the boat leaves the dock at 1pm, if you're there I might let you come along..., then whammo..., the numbers change and I get more women accepting.
Why do they respond to this reverse psychology?
P.S. Jules..., the 9 out ot 10 thing in no way implies any research into the numbers of women I've taken sailing, and is a generalization of frequency the women I have asked have accepted...., kind of like the 9 out of 10 dentists on a deserted island that were polled and then picked Trident gum as the gum of choice..., hahaha
Thanks Mark. Yes, "sucky breakup" indeed! I'm not so surprised *that* it ended (obviously an LDR is a big long shot, and there were definitely issues), so much as HOW it ended...I just didn't think he was a man who was capable of that much cruelty. But live and learn, eh?
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending, especially since 17 miles seems like nothing compared to 2500 ;-). But I'm sure you had your reasons. I'm glad to hear you've met someone...I hope she proves to be a good match for you. I have actually been dating other people since last January (because my ex was supposed to move up here at the end of 2004 and then reneged on his commitment, so I told him I couldn't date him exclusively long-distance until he demonstrated commitment to the relationship) so I do have some prospects, including a date for NYE...but no one I'm wild about, at least not at this point (but I'm trying to give guys I am not sure about more of a chance, rather than cutting it off right away as I've done in the past).
Sheri
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