update--moving on, new guy, and more

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
update--moving on, new guy, and more
97
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm

Hi,

I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.

I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.

When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.

As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?

I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?

Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.

Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 7:14pm

Well, I touched on one reason in an earlier post. It seems the men I've dated fall into two categories: either fun, interesting, outgoing, etc OR are emotionally healthy...not both. Now, that's not to say that a guy can't be both (I have plenty of male friends who are but those types of guys tend to STAY married or involved), but it's pretty rare. So yes, sometimes I will stay with guys who aren't emotionally healthy or supportive because the alternative is to be with someone who is boring.

But...I do need them to be *interested* in me. If they act like they don't care right from the start, why would I want to be with them? I don't think that an emotionally healthy person wants someone who doesn't care about them. I've always been of the opinion that women who are drawn to jerks who don't treat them well and/or ignore them from the start are not emotionally healthy and/or have low self-esteem.

Also, there's a balance that needs to be struck. I want someone who shows a lot of interest in me, but who also makes it clear that he has his own life, isn't needy, etc.

What my experience seems to be, though, is that the guys show a lot of interest at the start, SEEM to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and so you let your guard down and get emotionally attached, THEN they show their true colors. Has that been your experience as well with women? It's very hard to extricate yourself at that point (or at least *I* have a hard time...I should speak for myself ;-)), and I tend to give too much benefit of the doubt that they will "change" back to who they were at the beginning of the relationship. I say "change" in quotes because what they showed at the beginning wasn't the real them, it was their "best foot forward dating representative". The real person is what they show you after 3-6 months of dating (sometimes longer or shorter, but that time period holds true in many cases). So I'm doing my best to remain as emotionally detached as possible early on in the dating process and keep a "time will tell" attitude. For me, that means not having sex for a couple months because sleeping with a guy causes me to become more emotionally attached and I suspend good judgment.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 8:00pm

Great post Shari!!!

I agree totally with everything you said…, from having your best foot forward (and then bringing the ugly disfigured one out later), to the getting in too deep because you lower your guard and get sexual before you really know the person (and the hideous foot).

I think from a guys point of view, I show my interest at first by doing the man’s job of introducing myself, risking rejection to ask you out on a date, setting up the date (knowing very well it better be fun and funny), and usually paying for the whole mess too. The balance comes when you really like the woman but you don’t dare call her the next day or tell her how you feel because you might be seen as clingy, so you keep your distance and act all aloof…, all the while still asking her out for a date or two…, upping the romance level each time…, and slowly getting physical to keep her interested in you…, talk about the preverbal balance beam!!!

You ask “Has that been your experience as well with women?”.., and all I can say is some of the women will show their true colors immediately, actually being bossy, or rude, or failing to show any interest…, while other women will be nice, and easy going until is gets into the intimacy stage and then they show their true colors. So my answer would have to be yes…, I see the same thing you do….,

…,all I can say is that the women I have had LTR’s with didn’t play any games…, they were who they are, through and through…, it wasn’t till later that the pressures of marriage caused difficulties on both sides…, I’m thankful there was never any infidelity during any of them…, either from me or them.., so I guess my gut instincts are correct…., because I might not know a lot of things but I do know I’m a one woman man!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 8:18pm

Oh, you should definitely call the next day, or even better, ask her out again while you're still on the date! We like to know you're interested. Call the next day and set up the next date (or at least tell her what a great time you had, if the next date has already been set up)...it's really not going to make you seem clingy.

Alright, I'm heading out...I have a date ;-)...three in a row this week (tonight, tomorrow, and Friday). The one tonight is with a guy I dated for a while in the spring; I liked him, but he needed to get his act together (career change) so he dropped out of sight for a while. Now he's back...we'll see if he can really be trusted not to flake again. Tomorrow and Friday are 4th dates with guys I'm not too sure about but I don't want to cut them off to soon (not give them a chance).

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:23pm

Before I could even start to put any value on that information, I'd need to know sources, how the information was obtained, and a date that is more recent than 45 years ago (the 1960s).

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 9:30pm

I can assure you that if she felt the need to yell at you for something, she would have contacted you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:44am

Shy,

I agree with you that the statistics are not that important. I only beat the dead horse )to use Leslylou's phrase) because a person should use that information correctly if they are going to use it at all. I cannot tell you how often I groan out loud when hearing statistics on the news. What bothers me is that people hear them, don't look into the validity of them by analizing the methods by which they were obtained, and then start throwing them around as incontrovertable fact. The news outlets need to be more responsible with this kind of information since they know that people will react this way.

Argh. :)

Jules

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 10:53am

I debated for four years in high school, and we were taught how to take any piece of evidence or statistic and rip it to shreds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:21am

It was the other poster I felt was beating the dead horse. It just seemed he was not willing to question those statistics no matter what you said. Maybe stubborness is a better description for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:29am
I know but I thought it was a funny and apt phrase never-the-less. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:21pm

You know I was thinking last night about some of yesterday’s posts and I found myself perplexed over one reoccurring inconsistency;

It was basically completely agreed on by all the women that men were the most likely to just walk away from a relationship either because there was the possibility of a better deal out there, or that they are unwilling to work on the relationship and give up…., yet the majority of divorce is filed for by women….,

So why, if men are so quick to give up or go in search of the bigger better deal aren’t the numbers reflecting that? I mean you would expect married men to take the easy way out…, to file for divorce and move on. I think women should rethink this and try to understand why it is.

As I stated before it could be a reflection of asking for too much from men…, hell I think women ask too much for themselves…, they want a college education…, a fantastic career…, a family with children…, and helpful man who is nurturing and supportive…, they also want him to have rugged good looks…, be a successful professional…, and a man’s man who keeps her entertained and always surprised…, no mundane lifestyle for her.

Well ladies from a man’s point of view I don’t think that combination can exist…, and really I think that women don’t understand men and ask them for what they can’t give…, or at least diametrically opposed personality traits…, and then blame the whole mess on men.

Hell, men haven’t changed that much in the past 20 years except to get PC’d to death about how to treat the other human beings who have those frontal mammalian protruberances…, it’s the women that have done this massive change in the last 20+ years…, so why is it still the men’s fault?

And by the way NO ONE has proved that those statistics are incorrect. None of the reasons given for the disparity can count for such a wide margin. Even in my own personal little world the filing for divorce was 2 for 2 on the women's side..., once again real life supporting the "so called" skewed numbers.

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