update--moving on, new guy, and more
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm |
Hi,
I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.
I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.
When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.
As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?
I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?
Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.
Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

Pages
***So why, if men are so quick to give up or go in search of the bigger better deal aren’t the numbers reflecting that? I mean you would expect married men to take the easy way out…, to file for divorce and move on***
What makes you think that married men are any different than you or your friends who try to make a woman break up with you instead of having the guts to do it yourself? If it's the way that you all behave, I highly doubt that men suddenly change when they become married. You yourself explained the exact kind of behavior that could possibly lead for more women requesting divorces - men wanting them but utilizing "distancing maneuvers" to make the woman actually be the one gutsy enough to take action.
As for the stats being wrong - the ones that you posted did not indicate that more women request divorces. Unless, of course, that information is in the book/article that you referenced and I have not had time to read since yesterday. If you are so confident that the stats are there, why don't you take a look at the book and provide an exact reference for studies which show this?
It's strange to me that you so readily share your feelings and expereinces and view them as "evidence" to support the statistics you found yet when the women share their expereinces that don't support certain data you just can't seem to see their credibility or value.
In addition, it surprises me to hear you call divorce "the easy way out". If you've gone through it twice, I would think you'd call it anything other than easy. From the beginning of the end, it's difficult. Even someone leaving a bad situation struggles with divorce.
I know several women with education, careers, family and happy, non-mundane marriages. It's not simple and it's a balancing act but it's not impossible for men or women. It's just work. Sure, the order has grown taller for men, but it's grown for women, too. The combinations exist and they are in all sorts of packages- there are no cookie cutter relationships, even if they try to make it look that way. The beauty of a relationship is like anything else, in the eye of it's beholders.
I've already addressed that...because men are, as a rule, more likely to stick their head in the sand and pretend that everything's "fine", or just live with the unhappiness, because change is too hard...they won't take *action* to address their unhappiness, whereas women are more likely to say, ok, I've tried everything for five years, this isn't working, I have no choice but to file for divorce.
Not *every* man, not *every* woman, mind you...but more men than women are likely to do this, in my experience.
Sheri
Why don't I research it..., because it doesn't matter that much to me. I'm personally satisfied enough with what I've seen to believe in these numbers..., it's a lot like intelligent design..., one quick look is enough to solidify your position..., in my case the position that there never was, nor will there ever be a god.
You want to check it out and prove I'm wrong..., go for it..., I'll win anyway!
Hey I'm perfectly happy..., I'm the one that has no problems getting dates..., that women are constantly drawn to because of my talents and interests..., that women say is such a great guy..., you only see a small part of me..., the part that isn't going to bow down to PC bull and tell women what they want to hear..,
..., nope my thoughts are coming straight from the horse's mouth..., one you want to beat to death because maybe deep down you harbor ill feelings towards men..., I harbor no such ill feelings towards women...., I am at complete serenity with all my female relationships..,, from my mother and other matriarchs of my family..., to lovers..., to the women at work..., to all women.
.., you just don't want to hear the truth ..., the truth that most men are horsewhipped so badly when they leave a woman that MANY would rather resort to subtrifuge to accomplish it..., so blame the men..., it couldn't be the fact that women caused this type of behaviour by having us beaten up so badly in the first place..., could it?
I agree with you that there is no "cookie cutter" statements. But I can only believe what seems right to me..., what I have lived through. Women do file for divorce more frequently than men..., and my personal life has supported this..., in the same way your personal life has supported the opposite..., but I don't ask you to change your viewpoint...., if you think they don't more power to you..., doesn't bother me to disagree with everyone on this board.
Just like divorce..., I disagree..., it is easier..., and I should know..., it's much easier than living life in a relationship witch is mutually destructive to both people..., I've seen so many of these as to make me want to ralph..., where one or both parties are cheating..., or one of the partners has shutdown sexually..., or become so physically unattractive as to shut the other one down..., or they just have different lives and do different things..., why bother staying married?..., for the kids.
Divorce is easier. Period.
That is total BS..., I know more men that have tried religiously to save their marriages..., like I said before I asked for counselling in both of mine.
I have an extensive group of male counterparts who I have witnessed do the same thing..., how could my observations in my group be so completely opposite that which you speak reality to be..., you're from the Northwest..., what are you going to tell me it's because we live in Edmonds.
No..., to me it sounds like you are trying to blame men for more than their 50%. I see it differently..., where the men are willing to continue working on it and not give up by filing for divorce..., it's the women giving up while the men still believe there is hope and that ALL avenues have not been exhausted...., even after 5 years!
My answer is as good as your's..., just not as popular on a predominantly female forum.
And I know what you're thinking..., this guy sure uses a lot of "...,"'s.
You caught me! You found out that I secretly hate men. You are sooooo insightful. I can see why so many women desire you. That must be why you have all of those failed relationships and I managed to stay friends with all of my exes.
You talk about how great you are - good for you. I don't feel the need to go on and on about how great I am. Must be because I secretly hate myself, too.
LOL!
The dead horse came back to life, this time with wit and sarcasm... gotta love it! ;-)
I'm sorry lesley,
I'm on modem and it takes so damn long to load up screens I don't always keep all the replies in chronological order...., I most likely replied to you with my thoughts on more than just your post but that of the last few...,
..., please ladies, if I get it mixed up a little don't think bad of me for it...., give a guy a break..., something I think a lot of you could benefit from.
Pages