update--moving on, new guy, and more
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:17pm |
Hi,
I've been posting on the board on breaking up, but just wanted to check in here to give my latest update on things. I was having a really hard time getting over being dumped by a guy I was seeing for a month. He turned out to be a classic commitment-phobe, having said all these wonderful things until the moment I expressed being ready for something more. Anyway, the abrupt end really crushed me, so much that I went back to therapy to sort out my feelings and how to process the whole fiasco. I also mentioned that I would be leaving home for the holidays early because living in a new town wasn't making things any easier.
I've been home for about a week now and am doing much better. I'd have my ups and downs, but for the most part, it's been incredibly comforting being around friends who've known me for a long time and who only want the best for me. I've had my yearning moments, but it's been two weeks and I can say that it's a lot easier than it was before.
When I told one of my friends about the breakup, she immediately wanted to set me up with a new friend of hers. I was reluctant, but agreed to the meeting because he works in a similar field, is in similar social circles, and I figured we'd probably cross paths at some point anyway. Turns out he's extremely funny, smart, nice, and has made it quite clear to me that he's available. However, it's not an ideal situation because I'm leaving for SB in a week. I've focused on enjoying his company and having fun while I'm away from SB. Nothing romantic has happened (he is much more mature and respectful than the ex was in this respect) because I think he also realizes that starting up anything would only lead to complications. I think what will happen is we'll stay in touch after I leave and just get to know each other from there. We'll see if it develops into anything more.
As far as the ex, I'd been struggling with accepting that he was out of my life for good. I never contacted him and assumed that he'd moved on and had no interest in ever contacting me. And then yesterday he called. I didn't answer, but he left a very casual sounding message about wanting to catch up and see how I'm doing since it's been a while. I don't know what he wants. It was the kind of message you leave for a friend you haven't spoken to in a year. We dated, slept together, he called me his girlfriend, made all sorts of projections into the future, and then dumped me in an email. And now he leaves me that kind of message?
I'm mostly annoyed that he would resurface at a time when I was really starting to feel good about things again. I won't contact him. He may get the message and not call anymore, but I'm afraid I will pick up the next time he calls, if there is a next time. I want to tell him off, make him feel uncomfortable, let him know that I'm doing just fine without him. But I also know that's petty. What to do? Can you block people from calling your cell phone?
Other than that, things are good. I do worry about returning to SB and how things will be. I'll be back on my own, without friends and family, trying to work. I'm pretty sure I can be strong enough not to seek him out, but I worry that I might not be strong enough to keep him from reentering my life. One consolation is that I did start seeing a therapist and we plan to resume our meetings after I get back to SB.
Well, that's the latest. I hope everyone else is enjoying whatever time off they have.

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Yes, I believe you are right about the pot-stirring. I was under the mistaken impression that he actually was open to hearing different POVs, etc., but he has an agenda and by golly, there's no middle ground!!!!
Sheri
I totally agree ruby..., I don't see any difference in people at work..., we are equals.
My point was that it's not equal for men who are expected to be your equal but then act in a traditional role in the relationship..., a role which is usually defined as a leader..., the head of the family..., this doesn't correspond to both partners as equals.
I've seen relationships like that where neither partner will say no to the other but arrive at desicions based soley on discussion and negotiation..., so I guess the woman in that relationship is SOL when it comes to her guy being the sexiest because in order to be equal and on the same level he would never say no except to voice his input in negotiations.
I don't think we are so far off topic..., it started with the differences between men and women (around the break up of course) and it is still revolving around those differences.
I have no problem continuing this conversation..., or if you want to stop, just stop...,
.., and as far as the humor goes, I'm actually a very funny guy..., once again, I don't propose to know anything about the posters on the forum, I simply respond to statements the way I feel..., from the heart..., if it seems mixed up to you, maybe that's because it's from a guy who's just telling you how he feels...,
I wouldn't be the first man to not understand women..., and somewhere down the road..., all these guys that you women are involved with, will fail you and you'll say he didn't understand you...,
SBbabe didn't understand what he was doing..., and I'm sure he didn't understand her.
No need to cut me down about it...., or do..., I don't care.
Sheri...., what middle ground?
I say that the call to check up is good because that's what I've experienced..., and you say the call is bad from what you've experienced..., just generalizations.., but there IS NO middle ground..., it's more like Sienfeld than anything else...., tryng to decide if you owe them a face to face break up soley on how long you've been dating and if they are on your speed dial.
I say don't ever call a girl the next day after a date or you will seem too desperate..., and you say set a second date during the first one and/or call the next day and tell her how you feel..., once again I don't see middle ground..,
I truley am open to other POV's. I mean I have already thought about the deliberation that needs to be taken into account if I'm planning on contacting a woman after a break up..., is this to make me feel good or her?
But somewhere on this planet a woman feels the way I did when Dodie called..., that it was good to get it out and helped end the matter...., so saying you should never call is wrong.
I will agree though that short term break ups require no call..., this I have learned in this thread so don't say I'm totally one sided.
Once again, is Dodie the woman who disappeared on you or not? If so, I've already said numerous times that that is an exception to the general rule of not calling.
Yes, there is middle ground, and it lies in understanding and acknowledging a POV other than your own and allowing that understanding to inform your actions. I have acknowledged and understood that you might be coming from a caring place in calling, and am pointing out that it may not be *received* that way, and why. Not until this post did you really acknowledge that there might be some validity to this POV.
And maybe next time a guy doesn't call until a few days after our date, I'll think something other than "scumbag, he's obviously just interested in a booty call or he would have called the next day" becuase of what you said (I'm joking about what I would be thinking, but I hope you get my point). And maybe you'll think, gosh, she might be thinking I'm not interested if I don't call, because of what *I* said, so you'll call a little sooner and put the woman out of her misery, ya know ;-)?
Give and take, rather than you're right and I and all the other women on this board and in the world are wrong. Middle ground, rather than all one way or all the opposite way. Understanding and empathy. Treating people as individuals rather than as a gender stereotype. I'm not seeing a lot of that in your posts...that's what I'm saying.
Sheri
Well.., everyone is getting pretty burnt out with this thread so we'll give it the good ol' Texas execution...,
.., no more caring calls from me..., if I dump a girl..., from now on it's tough love..., hasta la vista baby..., and she better ruck up and take it like a man.., because this is for her own good not mine.
prophecy...,
You are so right..., when a man first sees a woman his first thoughts are about her looks and if he would have sex with her..., maybe not in these exact terms but that is what is going on in his head...,
..., of course when he introduces himself it will be more like "I couldn't help but come over and say hi after seeing your beautiful blue eyes..., PLEASE tell me you're not wearing colored contacts"..., or "I couldn't help noticing that colorful purse, it really makes you stand out in the crowd..., where did you get it?"....,
..., in todays world it would be suicide for him to come up to you and tell you the truth that he loves tall brunettes with at least "c" cup breasts..., of course the playahs at clubs willl do that for the little girlies..., but that won't get you very far with a mature woman..., but sure as shyt that's what he's thinking. He can be the nicest, most caring EMT on the planet but his attraction to you was sexual...,
So as he gets to know you sex will happen either real soon or much later..., if it's real soon he may just decide to move on if he's sees red flags or your too much of a pain is the azz for the intimacy.., I think in these cases women get in too deep too quickly and the male is more suited to handle this type of dating situation and the associated emotional ups and downs..., if sex happens later the male will have worked harder and got to know you better and therefore has more invested and be willing to stick it out further...,
.., I think women give it up too quickly now-a-days and that's why you see men bailing easily..., it would be in your interests to make him wait a good three months or more and prove to you he really does care for you..., make him invest time and energies into getting to know you personally so he is not so quick to move on if things get difficult...,
..., it's a common practice to be having sex in the first month..., usually by the 3rd or 4th date..., why do women do this?..., I know why I'm doing it..., because you look good, smell good, seem like a cool chick..., and I'm horny...., I guess we have to blame that on testosterone.
Before things get any more heated, I want everyone to take a deep breath....ahhhhhh.
Sheri, Have fun on your dates.. keep us posted!
For me, I met this incredible woman introduced to me by a mutual friend. First coffee date laste 3.5 hrs, phone call afterwards lasted 3 hrs, second date lasted 7 hrs... The kicker is that she just got of a long marriage and wants to date around.... ah well, I can be patient...
Have a GREAT Holiday all!
Mark
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