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|Fri, 04-04-2003 - 8:42am|
I don't know why I feel compelled to post about this, but I guess I've exhausted all my friends' opinions.
I have been seeing this guy for about two weeks now (we're about to go on our fourth date this weekend). He's someone I knew before, and we were friendly acquaintances though not close friends. I was always kind of drawn to him, though objectively I don't think he's all that physically attractive.
We went out for what I wasn't even sure was going to be a date last week, and it turned into a long date. Again, I didn't feel very attracted to him, but he's very good kisser so that made up for it somewhat. I have a wonderful time with him, and can totally be myself with him, which is a new thing for me. He's been very proactive about pursuing me, though he manages to do it without seeming desperate. Every time we've gone out, I feel the same way - I look at him, and think he's not good-looking enough for me, but then we have great conversations and hang out at my place and kiss and it feels nice.
I'm trying to tell myself that I just need to give this time and that it is worth giving it a shot, because of how much I like him. At this point I really care about him and do not want to hurt his feelings.
But honestly, he is the least good-looking guy I've ever dated. That's not to say he's ugly! - it's just that I have only ever consented to go out on dates with guys I find really, really attractive before, usually rejecting outright or bailing after one or two dates on anyone who doesn't make me swoon to look at him. And of course half of the guys I've dated have been jerks, and the other half I've ruined it by being too into them too fast (I just can't hide it when I'm really passionate about a guy). So this is new territory for me.
I know he'd be into something real - he even mentioned the word "relationship" the other night. I really care about him and like him. But I just wonder if this is always going to bother me. I'm trying to remain calm and give this a chance by telling myself, "it's okay if I don't feel passion for him yet, I don't have to decide if I could fall in love with him right now, I just have to recognize that he's worth a month or two of my time." And I've heard plenty of girlfriends tell me plenty of times over the course of my young life that passion develops, and sometimes the best relationships are those where you weren't that attracted to the guy at first. But this has never, ever happened to me. I just end up feeling like I'm lying to a guy if I have to "try" to get into it. So, I bail.
I also have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about how it's considered normal for men to select women on the basis of beauty, but not so for women. Why do THEY get a "prize" while we get "security?" Stupid, I know, but I think these things. I'm coming from the place of someone who was not considered pretty in high school, was considered moderately pretty in college, then suddenly really bloomed around age 22 and now am generally considered pretty, or sometimes beautiful. I'm sure this figures into my neurosis somehow too.
Anyway, even if you think I'm a snot-nosed b*tch, I'd appreciate some feedback or encouragement.