Very emotional today (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Very emotional today (m)
6
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 8:28pm
Although I am triumphant in my decision to break it off with the on again off again now ex, I still feel a loss.

I know it is in my best interest to not see him anymore. I wish we could be friends, but maybe in a few years.

I miss the companionship, but not the aggravation of dealing with someone so juvenile as him.

Anyway, just needed to vent.

Funbiz

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 9:42pm
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way three years ago when I broke things off w/ Joe for the second time. I knew I loved him, but there was just something that wasn't right. When we got together again, things were great, and I could see he had changed. Unfortunately, I still wasn't enough to keep him around, and I'm suffering the loss all over again- or at least I was. I think I'm okay with it now, and quite enjoying some (surprising) male attention after reactivating my ad. It really isn't anyone I'd be interested in, but hey, it boosts my confidence a little! And there is one guy....maybe we'll see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:10pm
yeah, the initial stage after a breakup is really hard...

give it a few months, though. soon you'll be thinkin "what was i thinking when i stayed with him that long???".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:19pm
Thank you CL,

I have been reading about you reactivating your ad. Did Joe cheat on you (if I'm not being too nosey)

It's good to get out ther & good for you. Is that pic your daughter?

Thanks for your support!

Funbiz

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 8:14am
Well, no, Joe didn't cheat on me. Before he was deployed, he told me he didn't want me to get "attached" b/c we both knew it was coming. He said that he'd call while he was gone, and when he came back if we still wanted to date- if the chemistry was still there- we'd pick things up. (BTW, we've known each other five years, and the chemistry is always there!) Then he actually got his orders, and something changed. When I talked to him, he unconvincingly said that I should "get on with my life" and date others. This wasn't new- he'd said that before, but said he didn't really want me to find anyone, but he was being realistic. He also said that he probably wouldn't call as much as I'd like.

So here it is, eight months later, and he hasn't called or emailed. I was worried about him, so I checked his webpage and found that he had updated a few weeks ago. I also found pictures of "the girlfriend" as he called her. I'm just upset and hurt that he didn't call or return my emails and say that he'd found someone. I'll get over it, but I trusted him- he asked me to trust him (I hadn't when we dated before).

The picture is actually me at my first Christmas. I don't have any kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:29am
As much pain that you feel at your loss, what you're going through is the mourning, the grief of having lost someone very dear to you. It's very much like a death, and you have to, you MUST grieve the split just like you would the passing of a loved one--and for you, he HAS "passed on" and out of your life. But you have to go through this stage to get to the next stage, that of moving on to the rest of your life.

So don't try to fight it. Although it feels very chaotic and "fuzzy" at times--after my divorce, I often felt like a limb had been severed--eventually your equilibrium will return. I mean, already you mention that you miss his companionship, but the juvenile mess that he was--which means you've already "gotten a grip" about him realistically: he wasn't worth the trouble of keeping him in your life.

One thing you might consider right now is therapy, or if that's pricey, try group therapy. I just went to a new group last night, and it was absolutely amazing. All these women who, on the surface, seemed like, though they had problems, were more "normal" problems than I had had during my marriage. Surprise, theirs were just as big, fat and ugly as mine--and I felt so less alone later on, and said so. I recommend groups especially if you've never been in therapy before; it's also a way of sharing w/people again, at a time when you're so wounded all you want to do is stick to yourself. But groups are a way of "drawing you back out" again, and they can be very worthwhile (besides being cheaper!).

Just hang in there b/c it'll get better.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:03pm
Of course you feel a loss....you've been with a passive agressive guy - which is a mini-roller coaster...and you've prioritized his wants, needs, requirements, and desires over you own for all this time trying to get the relationship to work - you've "nothing left to do, nothing left to agonize over" - so sure - it's a "loss".....learn to think of it is as a positive realignment and get used to it and you'll wonder what you ever saw in that roller coaster existence to begin with.

You do realize why this failed, right? It failed because it lacked equality. Your goal in life was to make his life great so that he'd want you...and he got with you because he expected you to make his life great, easy, smooth, and convenient and when that ceased to be how his life was 24/7 - he was off to find "what he was worthy of".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com