Waiting for the phone to ring...

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Waiting for the phone to ring...
14
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 7:34am

Can there be anything worse? I'm a believer in letting the man pursue me in the beginning, but that has been sorely tested this week. I've really examined my situation from many different angles, talked to four girlfriends about it, but have come out the other side with the same conclusion: let him make the call. 

Oh, the anguish! All the self doubt: did I act interested enough? Did this-or-that turn him off? And of course: Is he seeing someone else? Oh, the list goes on, the arguments become more and more circular. The fact is, I don't  think you'll really mess things up by calling a guy who hasn't called you after a date if he's truly attracted. I always like to think it's already decided, that the river flows, and you can jump in the water and splash around all you want, but the outcome will most likely be the same.

I ran across a good online article (oh, yes, I read a few, you know me) and I thought this was good by Debi Berndt:
When you feel the need to pursue, ask yourself why? Why wouldn’t he be banging down your door to see you again if you had such a great connection? Why would you settle for anything less? Choose to believe that you are the prize. You should never have to wonder how he feels about you. A healthy partner won’t hide or play games, he will be a grown man who knows when he has a good thing and will let you know with consistent communication.

But it's d--mned hard when you feel you have a connection with someone. But I have to remember: just because I feel a connection doesn't mean he does. And it doesn't mean there's a thing in the world wrong with me or anything I did or didn't do. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 10:00am

'Oh, the anguish! All the self doubt: did I act interested enough? Did this-or-that turn him off? And of course: Is he seeing someone else? Oh, the list goes on, the arguments become more and more circular. The fact is, I don't  think you'll really mess things up by calling a guy who hasn't called you after a date if he's truly attracted'

The waiting is indeed pure hell. I may be in a LTR but I do remember, very well, the times when I wasn't. And I also agree that if the man's really into you and if the timing is right you calling him will NOT ruin or damage anything, will not 'scare him off' (my personal favourite, NOT), he'll just be happy to hear from you and take it from there.

Then again, I also totally agree with letting the man pursue to start with... Eh... what do you do??

Florida, I am honestly and truthfully crossing all my fingers (and toes!) for you, and I hope you have a fantastic weekend......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 11:17am

I imagine this is a new guy you have only gone out with once?  Yeah I just hate that too & normally would wait to see if the guy calls me for a 2nd date.  I generally would text or email that I had a good time just to give him a positive thought and let him know that I'd be receptive to going out again.  There was one time though when I had gone out with a guy once and then I found out unexpectedly that my son was going to be at his dad's over night during the week cause it was a school vacatoin week--I just didn't want to let that opportunity go by, so I called the guy and asked if he was free that night & wanted to go out and he said yes.  So that time it worked out.  I say just do what is comfortable for you.

I am trying an experiment of sorts with that guy that I met at salsa dancing this summer.  I am just getting so tired of wanting guys to like me & it doesn't work out that I'm getting burned out.  I haven't talked to him in 2 weeks since we had that long phone call.  Last weekend I was in NYC having fun (and we are FB friends so if he ever checks FB he would know that).  Well I am going to see if he ever contacts me and if not, then I will definiitely know I am in the friend zone and just shut the door in my mind on being more.  Sometimes I just need the harsh reality check.  It won't mean that I won't still like him as a friend but I'm just getting tired of chasing guys.  As you say, I'd like to know that someone really wants to be with me and will make the effort to do so.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 2:05pm

There's some backstory to this whole thing. I met him FIVE years ago via match.com. He didn't ask me out at the time, but I kept running into him. TWO years ago he invited me to the movies, but I couldn't go, and made it clear I would have gone. Two weeks after that he invited me out for a daytime date in a nearby historic town (I guess it was a date). I saw him a few days later at an event we went to separately, but he didn't seem that glad to see me. After that, crickets. I did send him an email a few weeks later of something we had talked about. He replied, but then, crickets. But I would still see him at different events now and then.

I ran into him last Friday night and he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else and we ended up at his house. I know that sounds bad. There was some making out (!!!!), but I knew I wasn't going to sleep with him, and he didn't pressure me. I thought we were really connecting, and no we weren't drunk. When I got home, he had texted me a photo he had been looking for on his phone to show me. We exchanged a few more texts. But it wasn't an "official" date--it was more a spontaneous thing, which is OK, but none of it would have happened if we hadn't run into each other. The other two times he invited me to do something were fairly last minute also. 

So, it feels kind of like high school, "Oooh, I didn't put out, so now he won't call me again." But he's not the player type really, but who knows? He's about the only guy I met via OLD that I actually wanted to go out with, so it's hard. I want to keep an open mind, not jump to conclusions and be receptive. 

But I want him to call me, and I don't want to have to nudge him to do so. But here it is, seven days later. I don't think this bodes well. And it just s-cks because I don't many men I find attractive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 3:52pm

Gee that sucks but the realistic part of me says it sounds like he wanted a hook up and to have sex but he knew he couldnt pressure you or talk  you into it so he was polite about it...yet he would have done it if you wanted to....

I run into guys I have met once in awhile but after reading Steve Harvey's books lately  he says that if a man doesnt ask you out on dates and bring flowers and candy and call and all of that then he is not interested but its 2013 so things have changed especially with the older crowd...... so who knows what they think?? I have given up on it all for now.. LOL

Heck.. He could also have some other women on the line or even dating someone...or dating many others...We just dont know people well enough to know what is going on with their lives...

But yes it does sound High Schoolish and only because men are so not sure of what they want or are these days. It appears they just want hook ups because its easier, doesnt cost much and less committment..

There are so many variables......

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:24pm

Well good for you that at least you got some making out.  I do think if he hasn't called or contacted you in a week, then that's probably it. :(  It's so disappointing though.  You have to wonder do these guys have so much to do or is it that they just don't care about having a relationship?  I felt so disappointed about the guy I met earlier this year and went to a couple of dances with where I thought we were on dates and he said it was just friends (and I haven't seen him since) because he was just about the first guy I had met in years that was attractive, smart, good job and very easy to get along with--I really thought there could be something there.  Everyone else I meet is just kind of ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:31pm

oh; talking about the phone ringing get this one..

A guy Online dating wrote me a few notes so I wrote back.. A bit younger than me and the picture is very fuzzy.. Okay that was about a week ago.. A few days ago he asks me for my phone number out of the blue and so oh; well I gave it to him.. He hasnt called but I have totally forgotten about it... but its because I dont have any expectations anymore about not one solid thing..well so far anyway.....

Plus he lives in New Jersey which isnt too far from where I live because he is on the New York side if that makes any sense...

These days it appears sucking it up comes to mind and yes its sad and all when someone we like clicks and all but hey what is that saying?? All is fair in love and war??? LOL

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:50pm

You do have to wonder. In the case of this guy, when I run into him, he's either alone or with a guy friend (and no, he's not secretly gay). I did see him earlier this year at the movies with a woman, but I couldn't tell if it were a date (hey, she probably wondered too!) So, if he's not really involved with anyone, what am I, chopped liver?

But I know you can't control who you're attarcted to. If he isn't attracted, he just isn't. It is disappointing though. And in the case of the guy you went out with, I would have interpreted his actions as a date also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 5:43pm

I think because as we get older there is a ratio of one man to five women so men have their pick..Its just the way it is and we have no control over it....

Most of us are not chopped liver but who knows what goes on in these ego arrogant minded men.. They act like they are God;s gift to mankind and that part i dont get... I would love to meet an evolved spiritual holistic down to earth man but I am not sure there are that many of them..

I went to a metaphysical workshop and there werent many men there and when I do meet ups hardly any men show up so its a numbers game...

I went to Karoke meet up last weekend and there was not one man there from the group....The bar was crowded with couples and very very young guys...

Before that I went to a concert and there were mostly married people...

I go on a hiking meet up and there are such weird people that go.. Nice but very very strange.....................

There are no answers........and it probably has to do with timing, luck and faith and hope... LOL

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 1:02pm
I'm going to have to agree with Music- if you haven't heard from him in a week, he probably isn't interested enough. Or he's been in a horrible accident and has been in a coma for a week. I think we know how likely that is! Just to contrast- I've gone out with a guy twice now (one from this summer- I rarely give second chances, so we'll see), and I've heard from him every day since we started talking again. I've initiated contact maybe twice in two weeks. I kinda think he's more into me than I am into him, but that's okay at first. The point is I have no doubt that he's interested. He's made sure of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 7:47pm

I don't know about the 5:1 ratio thing.  It seems that way, but I think in raw numbers it is not that high.  I think that it is the fact that there are more women who are reasonably attractive, have their act together, and are stable enough for a relationship than there are equivalent men.

I hear you, Free, about doing stuff and never meeting anyone.  I joined a Meetup political group and they have lots of events I am interested in.  Last week we met at a cool restuarant/pub and then went to a talk by outed CIA operative Valerie Plame.  It was fascinating.  There were mostly middle-aged women like me, although I think most were slightly older. There were a few men, but they were either odd ducks or much older.  I refuse to do things I am not interested in in order to meet men (like golf--I wish I had a dime for every time someone has recommended it to me.  No interest in it at all.)

I remember years ago I even started my own dinner group.  Guess who joined?  Women and MARRIED couples!  Sheesh.  I think most of us have put ourselves out there, but haven't had any luck.

Florida, I hope things work out.  It is so rare to meet anyone we feel a spark with. And as always, I believe a man who is interested will find a way to let you know.  I honestly believe we just cannot force these things.  I certainly have regretted it the times I have tried.

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