Waiting for the phone to ring...

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Waiting for the phone to ring...
14
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 7:34am

Can there be anything worse? I'm a believer in letting the man pursue me in the beginning, but that has been sorely tested this week. I've really examined my situation from many different angles, talked to four girlfriends about it, but have come out the other side with the same conclusion: let him make the call. 

Oh, the anguish! All the self doubt: did I act interested enough? Did this-or-that turn him off? And of course: Is he seeing someone else? Oh, the list goes on, the arguments become more and more circular. The fact is, I don't  think you'll really mess things up by calling a guy who hasn't called you after a date if he's truly attracted. I always like to think it's already decided, that the river flows, and you can jump in the water and splash around all you want, but the outcome will most likely be the same.

I ran across a good online article (oh, yes, I read a few, you know me) and I thought this was good by Debi Berndt:
When you feel the need to pursue, ask yourself why? Why wouldn’t he be banging down your door to see you again if you had such a great connection? Why would you settle for anything less? Choose to believe that you are the prize. You should never have to wonder how he feels about you. A healthy partner won’t hide or play games, he will be a grown man who knows when he has a good thing and will let you know with consistent communication.

But it's d--mned hard when you feel you have a connection with someone. But I have to remember: just because I feel a connection doesn't mean he does. And it doesn't mean there's a thing in the world wrong with me or anything I did or didn't do. 

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 10:56am

Sometimes I want to throw all of the "rules" out the window and just do what my heart wants but my brain inevitably takes over.  This is when the second guessing/over analyzing starts happening.  It's worse when you feel like the person has a connection with you when you're together, but when you're apart, you rarely hear from them.  So confusing...ugh.  Good luck! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 9:52am

I agree-most are not at all creative in finding things to do. Most either do OLD or sports bars like you said.  I figure they must all be at home watching TV, because I sure am not seeing many single men over 50 out in the world.  When I think about it, most of the men I know, married or single, are not good at creating a social life, and rarely take the initiative to find things to do and places to go. I can always find something interesting to do and will go on my own. Of course there are exceptions, but, in general, men will take the path of least resistance.

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 9:38am
Musiclover: I work with a widower who is 67. He is the busiest person I know. Apart from working 4 days most weeks, he is heavily involved in charity work. He writes a column for a local newspaper, and does the photography for it as well. He organizes an annual car rally. As part of his charity work, he arranges all the bands/music for the local Ribfest. He has gone on photo safaris to different countries, photographs weddings, looks after his grandchildren, and has loads of lady friends. (He is also a very, very nice man.) Once in a while, he goes out to a bar, usually for supper and to listen to a new band that's interested in performing at the Ribfest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 12:00am

Don't you have to wonder what all the single men over 50 do in their spare time (besides golf?)  I mean you don't play golf at night.  I imagine a lot of them are just happy to stay home & watch sports or movies on TV by themselves and not make the effort to go out.  There are a certain no. of men who I see at ballroom dancing--not everyone likes doing that but at least these guys have a hobby and they get out & meet people.  I belonged to a dining out meetup group too.  It was always way more women than men.  This wasn't a "singles" group--anyone could come.  It was always a question--why aren't more men here?  Don't men like going out to eat?  I do think a lot of times, that men's social things are really organized by women.  I know it was that way when I was married.  I was usually the one to look in the paper and find out if there were special events going on or to suggest things to do so I think that left to their own devices if men want to meet a woman, they will either do OLD or do the old standby of going to a bar or a dance or singles event.  I don't think a lot of them are really creative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 7:47pm

I don't know about the 5:1 ratio thing.  It seems that way, but I think in raw numbers it is not that high.  I think that it is the fact that there are more women who are reasonably attractive, have their act together, and are stable enough for a relationship than there are equivalent men.

I hear you, Free, about doing stuff and never meeting anyone.  I joined a Meetup political group and they have lots of events I am interested in.  Last week we met at a cool restuarant/pub and then went to a talk by outed CIA operative Valerie Plame.  It was fascinating.  There were mostly middle-aged women like me, although I think most were slightly older. There were a few men, but they were either odd ducks or much older.  I refuse to do things I am not interested in in order to meet men (like golf--I wish I had a dime for every time someone has recommended it to me.  No interest in it at all.)

I remember years ago I even started my own dinner group.  Guess who joined?  Women and MARRIED couples!  Sheesh.  I think most of us have put ourselves out there, but haven't had any luck.

Florida, I hope things work out.  It is so rare to meet anyone we feel a spark with. And as always, I believe a man who is interested will find a way to let you know.  I honestly believe we just cannot force these things.  I certainly have regretted it the times I have tried.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 10-19-2013 - 1:02pm
I'm going to have to agree with Music- if you haven't heard from him in a week, he probably isn't interested enough. Or he's been in a horrible accident and has been in a coma for a week. I think we know how likely that is! Just to contrast- I've gone out with a guy twice now (one from this summer- I rarely give second chances, so we'll see), and I've heard from him every day since we started talking again. I've initiated contact maybe twice in two weeks. I kinda think he's more into me than I am into him, but that's okay at first. The point is I have no doubt that he's interested. He's made sure of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 5:43pm

I think because as we get older there is a ratio of one man to five women so men have their pick..Its just the way it is and we have no control over it....

Most of us are not chopped liver but who knows what goes on in these ego arrogant minded men.. They act like they are God;s gift to mankind and that part i dont get... I would love to meet an evolved spiritual holistic down to earth man but I am not sure there are that many of them..

I went to a metaphysical workshop and there werent many men there and when I do meet ups hardly any men show up so its a numbers game...

I went to Karoke meet up last weekend and there was not one man there from the group....The bar was crowded with couples and very very young guys...

Before that I went to a concert and there were mostly married people...

I go on a hiking meet up and there are such weird people that go.. Nice but very very strange.....................

There are no answers........and it probably has to do with timing, luck and faith and hope... LOL

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:50pm

You do have to wonder. In the case of this guy, when I run into him, he's either alone or with a guy friend (and no, he's not secretly gay). I did see him earlier this year at the movies with a woman, but I couldn't tell if it were a date (hey, she probably wondered too!) So, if he's not really involved with anyone, what am I, chopped liver?

But I know you can't control who you're attarcted to. If he isn't attracted, he just isn't. It is disappointing though. And in the case of the guy you went out with, I would have interpreted his actions as a date also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:31pm

oh; talking about the phone ringing get this one..

A guy Online dating wrote me a few notes so I wrote back.. A bit younger than me and the picture is very fuzzy.. Okay that was about a week ago.. A few days ago he asks me for my phone number out of the blue and so oh; well I gave it to him.. He hasnt called but I have totally forgotten about it... but its because I dont have any expectations anymore about not one solid thing..well so far anyway.....

Plus he lives in New Jersey which isnt too far from where I live because he is on the New York side if that makes any sense...

These days it appears sucking it up comes to mind and yes its sad and all when someone we like clicks and all but hey what is that saying?? All is fair in love and war??? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-18-2013 - 4:24pm

Well good for you that at least you got some making out.  I do think if he hasn't called or contacted you in a week, then that's probably it. :(  It's so disappointing though.  You have to wonder do these guys have so much to do or is it that they just don't care about having a relationship?  I felt so disappointed about the guy I met earlier this year and went to a couple of dances with where I thought we were on dates and he said it was just friends (and I haven't seen him since) because he was just about the first guy I had met in years that was attractive, smart, good job and very easy to get along with--I really thought there could be something there.  Everyone else I meet is just kind of ok.

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