Wanting Relationship Grief
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm |
Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.
That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.
Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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"Seems to me that people who have such a negative attitude towards happily single people are just jealous of the self confidence and self fulfillment we exude."
I will say I don't have a negative attitude about happily single people. I just don't like being made to feel like my feelings are strange, unusual and should be disregarded or that there is something wrong with me because of them.
I will also say I envy happily single people for their self confidence and seld fulfillment. It's been very difficult trying to rewire my thinking and yeah there are moments when having no one special in my life doesn't bother me, but I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can settle for singlehood just yet.
I think it's a matter of having our brains wired differently, or different upbringing, or whatever.
See, I don't see it as "settling for singlehood". I see it as living a fabulous life, and whomever is meant to come into my life will, at the time they should.
Is it great being in a good relationship? Sure! Is my life negatively impacted when I'm not in a relationship? Nope.
I think it's about what we want to extract from the time we're given. And a BF/SO/Husband is such a miniscule part of our time here, I just don't see not having a man in my life as a horrible loss.
See, I think it is a difference in individual wants and needs. I don't think these things can be categorized uniformly for everyone.
For instance, I know women who love babies, must have a baby and won't feel totally satisfied until they have one. I'm not in love with babies and don't share that same need. But I'd never tell the woman who desparately craves a baby, how happy I am without one and point out how great it is to not have one or keep pointing out why I don't want one, when that may make her want seem invalidated.
For me, staying single is settling because it is NOT what I want. Because it is the opposite of what I want, I have to continue to try to change it and better learn to deal in the meantime. But I don't expect everyone to feel the same as I. Just respect my feelings and not belittle or invalidate them.
There is a LOT of wisdom in your post.
I just find it sad and frustrating when I see someone so hung up on what they don't have, even when it's something they desperately want, that they lose out on all the opportunities for finding joy and fulfillment.
I guess all I can say is, if a husband is something you want that badly, then do everything you can to make it happen. Hire a matchmaker, tell all of your friends you are very serious about finding a mate and get them to match you up, do online dating - get yourself out there.
Well, I don't feel as though I'm losing out on opportunities for joy and fulfillment but I find I don't find things quite as fulfiling if I can't share them with someone. Some ar happier alone, others, happier with people. Yes, I do share great times with friends, but they can only provide so much companionship and honestly, I get sick of girls nights.
I honestly just don't have the energy to dive head first into the dating pool right now. My goal, believe it or not is to not focus as much energy on dating so I won't be so stuck on the things I can't control. My main pursuits right now are finishing school (in a few weeks) and starting my own side business.
It would just help is men, love and sex weren't constantly on the brain all the time AND if I didn't feel like reminders of love weren't EVERYWHERE!
Ya know, I bet I'll be feeling better once the holidays are over. Then I just need to get past V-Day (which is also my B-day).
I agree with you about the reminders.
"Right. I've also been told volunteering is a good way to meet men....but the times I've volunteered, the only men I've met are married men or men who could be my grandfather."
Yep - I've been given this advice as well. I enjoy volunteering for its own sake, but have thought it might be a nice way to meet men as a bonus. You know who shows up? A bunch of single women. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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