Wanting Relationship Grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wanting Relationship Grief
103
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm

Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.

That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.

Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:40pm

"Seems to me that people who have such a negative attitude towards happily single people are just jealous of the self confidence and self fulfillment we exude."

I will say I don't have a negative attitude about happily single people. I just don't like being made to feel like my feelings are strange, unusual and should be disregarded or that there is something wrong with me because of them.

I will also say I envy happily single people for their self confidence and seld fulfillment. It's been very difficult trying to rewire my thinking and yeah there are moments when having no one special in my life doesn't bother me, but I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can settle for singlehood just yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:20pm

I think it's a matter of having our brains wired differently, or different upbringing, or whatever.

See, I don't see it as "settling for singlehood". I see it as living a fabulous life, and whomever is meant to come into my life will, at the time they should.

Is it great being in a good relationship? Sure! Is my life negatively impacted when I'm not in a relationship? Nope.

I think it's about what we want to extract from the time we're given. And a BF/SO/Husband is such a miniscule part of our time here, I just don't see not having a man in my life as a horrible loss.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:29pm

See, I think it is a difference in individual wants and needs. I don't think these things can be categorized uniformly for everyone.

For instance, I know women who love babies, must have a baby and won't feel totally satisfied until they have one. I'm not in love with babies and don't share that same need. But I'd never tell the woman who desparately craves a baby, how happy I am without one and point out how great it is to not have one or keep pointing out why I don't want one, when that may make her want seem invalidated.

For me, staying single is settling because it is NOT what I want. Because it is the opposite of what I want, I have to continue to try to change it and better learn to deal in the meantime. But I don't expect everyone to feel the same as I. Just respect my feelings and not belittle or invalidate them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:45pm
You are not alone in your thoughts. I feel the same way when I'm single. I've ranted about it a lot too because it helps me to get my honest thoughts out in the open and to deal with them and a lot of people told me they were tired of hearing it too but I honestly needed to get it out sometimes and these message boards are for doing that and hopefully not being judged so much for it. Sometimes we just need to bounce ideas and rants off of each other and not be judged for it. Someone can tell you to try to be positive as much as they can but I don't think it's good to tell someone that they shouldn't rant because if that's the way you feel you have a right to that feeling. Trust me, I understand. Some people just surpress the frustrations or ignore them more than others and I'm not one of them that could supress as much as some. It's very tough finding the right relationship and in the meantime while we try doing that we know that we have to make the best of our situation, but that doesn't mean that we should be shunned for letting out our frustrations. Just be you and if you need to rant, rant because sometimes it can help put us back into perspective and when we deal with our emotions in the way that works best for us and don't hold things in then it's easier for us to be happy, healthy, whole people that don't put up a fake front and let things build and fester inside.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:05pm

There is a LOT of wisdom in your post.

I just find it sad and frustrating when I see someone so hung up on what they don't have, even when it's something they desperately want, that they lose out on all the opportunities for finding joy and fulfillment.

I guess all I can say is, if a husband is something you want that badly, then do everything you can to make it happen. Hire a matchmaker, tell all of your friends you are very serious about finding a mate and get them to match you up, do online dating - get yourself out there.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:15pm
It is about individual wants and needs and I don't see the women that are happy single as being strange or whatever, in fact I envy those women. I envy the women that don't have the desire to have children or get married or to be part of a couple because that feeling or longing is not there for those women. I have the desire to have children and to be married and when I'm not part of a couple, I get a little more lonely than some do. I'm not sure why, I just do, it's just how I was raised, how I see things, how I was born or whatever. These past several years of dating and being single there wasn't a day that went by that I was either wishing that I could have the same outlook on things as a happily single woman, not want a baby and not have to worry about a biological clock or just to find the right one finally. I really dont' like being in the predicament I have been in for so long, single but not wanting to be single. I've always wanted to be married and have children. I've tried to rewire my thinking but just couldn't. This is who I am and this is who I'll always be. It's not like I think I"m any less of a person, I value myself and I do have a full life and lots of friends etc etc, a good career but it's that I would highly prefer being in a happy/healthy marriage or relationship because I like being close to another person in a more than friendly way and I like having that security and comfort knowing that I have someone on my side who cares about me, adores me and is more than just my friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:26pm

Well, I don't feel as though I'm losing out on opportunities for joy and fulfillment but I find I don't find things quite as fulfiling if I can't share them with someone. Some ar happier alone, others, happier with people. Yes, I do share great times with friends, but they can only provide so much companionship and honestly, I get sick of girls nights.

I honestly just don't have the energy to dive head first into the dating pool right now. My goal, believe it or not is to not focus as much energy on dating so I won't be so stuck on the things I can't control. My main pursuits right now are finishing school (in a few weeks) and starting my own side business.

It would just help is men, love and sex weren't constantly on the brain all the time AND if I didn't feel like reminders of love weren't EVERYWHERE!

Ya know, I bet I'll be feeling better once the holidays are over. Then I just need to get past V-Day (which is also my B-day).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:34pm
You do make a good point too sisfox. It is not good when a desire fills up your thoughts and your life so much that you can't just enjoy your life in the here and now. I allowed that desire for a relationship/family fill up my thoughts so much that I haven't able to live as happy of a life as I could have really and I'm aware of that. Sure I did a lot of activities and hobbies and took care of myself and all that good stuff but it doesn't take away the longing and desire in your head sometime and as we all know you don't have too much control over finding that person, so in the meantime I was trying to figure out how to quench that desire and stop those thoughts and longing because it isn't healthy to obsess about something too much. It's really hard for me to do though sometimes and it sounds as if it is hard too for the OP
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 5:03pm

I agree with you about the reminders.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 5:40pm

"Right. I've also been told volunteering is a good way to meet men....but the times I've volunteered, the only men I've met are married men or men who could be my grandfather."

Yep - I've been given this advice as well. I enjoy volunteering for its own sake, but have thought it might be a nice way to meet men as a bonus. You know who shows up? A bunch of single women. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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