Wanting Relationship Grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wanting Relationship Grief
103
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm

Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.

That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.

Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 9:53pm

I don't feel like less of a person for being single or that I can't be happy or fulfilled, etc., and I don't feel like I'm unloved or unloveable, or not sexy,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 5:13pm

I also don't agree with these statements

"it will happen when you're not looking" or "when you're happy with your life then it will happen" - for numerous reasons - When you're not looking, people will tell you love will not fall in your lap, you'll have to do x,y,ad z. When you look, people say you're trying to hard. Also, I see plenty of dysfunctional people who find love. Fact of life: self-improvement is a life-long project, you'll will NEVER be 100% content or prepared for love, in fact not even 70 or 80% until you go to your grave. So life happens, love happens whether or not you're prepared. It's part of growing. I would say, I'm probably more prepared to have a man in my life than a lot of women I see that found love. So, does that mean I'm less emotionally or mentally healthy than them? You see, not being in a RS says nothing about your emotional or mental well-being. I think it's just a way of blaming the victim. Things people will tell single people b/c they don't know what to say or as a way to dismiss your problem.

I think finding love is 10% effort and 90% luck. Seriously, for some, it just fall into their laps, for many, it takes a few trials, and for the few, it doesn't work no matter what you do, or happen very late, say when you're 60 when there aren't a lot of eligible folks around or people become a lot less picky.

I'm just venting. At this point in my life it seems impossible. Even getting a date is difficult, let alone progress to dating, then exclusivity, then engagement, then marriage. The whole thing just seems so fragile, anything can break it. I've heard about the power of visualization but I'm so afraid to even imagine now b/c all it does is send my mind down a path of fantasies then sorely disappointed when there's nothing to show for it in reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 5:45pm

"I think finding love is 10% effort and 90% luck. Seriously, for some, it just fall into their laps, for many, it takes a few trials, and for the few, it doesn't work no matter what you do, or happen very late, say when you're 60 when there aren't a lot of eligible folks around or people become a lot less picky. "

I TOTALLY agree. I really have come to believe that finding love is more chance and dumb luck than anything else. I've seen people who were completely messed up inside find love, people who wer in bed places in their lives find love, people who didn't want, weren't looking for it and didn't even feel they needed it find it. I don't think you have to be in a certain place to find love. For many it is just circumstance and love find them. Some will be lucky and it seems some won't.

I also don't think there are any places you can go and find love r things you can do to secure love. It just has to naturally happen.

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