Wanting Relationship Grief
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm |
Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.
That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.
Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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"And a BF/SO/Husband is such a miniscule part of our time here, I just don't see not having a man in my life as a horrible loss."
Wow. I really don't see love as miniscule at all. In fact, I see it as fundamental and essential to being human. That's not to say that everyone needs to get married or find a partner - but it does mean that for me.
I also agree with Julia that most of us would rather have a healthy relationship than be single. I'm glad to know that you are content in your life - that's wonderful, but those of us who want the relationship should not be made to feel bad because we want that.
Finally, I do think it's hard wired and not just social upbringing. If it were just society, I could have successfully unwired it by now -- as I have done with several other societal norms. This one is just not going away for me - it's part of me.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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I never said it was. I have so much love coming from so many sources that one more just isn't missed. If I would have another SO/Partner, he'd add to my life, but he certainly isn't needed to complete it.
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I never intended to make anyone feel badly. Just tried to express my reality.
I honestly don't understand the attitude that unless someone is paired up it's not possbile to have a happy, full life. I'm just imagining some really bitter 80 year olds down the road. Personally, I don't intend to waste my life - not one of us knows if we'll meet a great guy tomorrow, in ten years or never...I'm not throwing my limited years away sitting on the shelf.
Oh I know! Cause "Every kiss begins with Kay" and "He went to Jared!"
Luckily I've learned to kinda ignore all the jewelry ads around the holidays but I swear couples advertising is everywhere. (Did you see my rant about Cosmo mag). And watching Tv never helps, people seem to get together like everyday, even bumping intoone another on the street.
Its just annoying!
"I have so much love coming from so many sources that one more just isn't missed. If I would have another SO/Partner, he'd add to my life, but he certainly isn't needed to complete it. "
I'm going to be honest, I think this is at the heart of my problem, I don't feel loved by hardly anyone in my life. I don't have much family and we've never been close. It's even iffy on the holidays whether we'll get together and though I have friends, they are relatively new and people I mainly hang out with but there aren't any strong bonds or connections there. The 2 greatest sources of love I had inmy life were my ex boyfriend of 8 years, whom I had a wonderful relationship with and my father who was as close to a soulmate as I'll probably know. I lost both of them in 2004 and though I have tried to find other things to fill the deep voids they left behind, nothing has yet to come close.
"I honestly don't understand the attitude that unless someone is paired up it's not possbile to have a happy, full life. "
I also DO think it is possible to have a happy, fulfilled life single, but it is an idea I just haven't yet accepted as my own. The times in my life that I regard as my happiest are times when I was younger and was with either my ex or my father. Both relationships brought me a level of satisfaction I just haven't experienced since. Being madly in love with someone who is madly in love back was, for me, a higher level of euphoria than just the regular happiness I've found on my own. And its hard to make due with what you are given to work with when you've already had better. So I guess I've been spoiled.
But that doesn't mean I will always be like this. I'm still working on me and hoping that this will be a non-issue one day.
I just have a ways to go.
"I honestly don't understand the attitude that unless someone is paired up it's not possbile to have a happy, full life. I'm just imagining some really bitter 80 year olds down the road. Personally, I don't intend to waste my life - not one of us knows if we'll meet a great guy tomorrow, in ten years or never...I'm not throwing my limited years away sitting on the shelf."
Just because we have longing does not make us bitter, nor does it mean we're wasting our lives. I don't just sit on the couch waiting for prince charming to come along. I live a full life - but a life without a partner, and I know it's something I want.
I really dislike the implication that those of us who want a partner, can't seem to find one, and god forbid say that to someone are a bunch of pathetic losers. We're not - we're feeling very real, human instincts and desires and happen to be honest enough to share them.
I think we can agree to disagree on this one. I agree with the other posters who said they envy people who don't have that longing - I envy you as well. Life would be much easier if it weren't there, but it is.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Hey, don't get me wrong - I'm no Pollyanna...I do have days when I feel like there's a "love drought"...usually my dog snaps me out of it. LOL
But I'm lucky in that I do have a very large, loving family and tons of strong friendships. I can honestly say I have a minimum of 30 people I could go to with nothing but the clothes on my back, and they'd give me a leg up. I hear and say I Love You every single day.
It sounds to me like you still have a great deal of grief to deal with (my dad died in 98, so I can empathise) and you are venting...and on top of that it sounds like you really are sorting things out.
We may not always disagree here - but it is such a great place for support!
You know what else gets my goat? I love watching home remodeling and improvement shows on TLC and HGTV. I just like houses and decorating but on nearly every single show is a couple redoing their home together. Sometimes they even do a little feauture where they talk about how they met and little things about each other's personalities and no matter what may be going on when the camera's leave, they always look pretty daggone happy together.
So not only are they loved, desired and sharing a life but they also have a fabulous new pad to live in.
Yeah I WILL have my fab pad one day but I seriously don't want to do it alone. I mean anyone can do anything alone, but to have someone voluntarily enter your life and want to become a part of it, it's kinda special.
Exactly. Part of the reason why I want a family one day is because I have so little and fear that one day I will have none. I want to create the family I didn't really had and having a father figure there, all the time (not just on weekends or special visitations) is very important to me.
My ex and I broke up. He met another woman and married her soon after.
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