Wanting Relationship Grief
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm |
Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.
That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.
Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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"How many more distractions before the want totally goes away? 50? 75?"
I'm 52 and it hasn't gone away one bit, LOL.
Hey, have you ever noticed how crazy making these two statements are:
1. Find a man!
2. You'll only meet someone when you stop looking. (Check out "With or Without a Man." Really good book).
Also, Harville Hendrix writes that "We do not long for something imaginary." He really feels that we DO need a partner for completion. There is a difference between healthy partnerships and codependent partnerships...I think sometimes these categories get blurred.
I say it's very OK to want this and to feel that something is lacking in your life, because there is. And it sounds like you have a lot of other interests...it's not like you're sitting at home not trying anything new, or worse, in a bad relationship. But I know how you feel when people don't want to listen to it anymore. I currently have NO single girlfriends, so none of my coupled friends wants to hear it. It's like, "Well, you already talked about that last month, why do you want to keep talking about it?" OK, whatever. I find reading books on this topic very helpful.
When you don't have close/loving family around you it makes it a lot harder to be on your own because the loneliness hits you more.
I agree with this.
>>>But, being single is a non-life compared to being in a fantastic relationship. My honest opinion.
I don't know about "fantastic" relationship, (my last love was my best taste of what TRUE love is though) but anyone who is single and feels that they have a "non-life..." projects that to men, men pick up on that; PEOPLE pick up on that...and a lot of them stay away because of that.
I am 47 now. I weigh 30-40 pounds more than I did 10 years ago. (OK, I am 5' 11" so I may carry it well.) I never wear any of the seductive or form fitting attire and skirts I used to wear. I am closer and closer to 50. And I attract much more attention from men now than I ever have, since I was about 20. And it seems to me that it all started when I genuinely got ok with it, that if I found a real love like my last love, again, fine. But if not, fine too. From 32 to 39, I was either crushing or obessing on a man, with a man, or getting over a man. Since 39 I became content to be with my life the way it is, with or without a relationship. And that was when it seemed that men started coming out of the woodwork.
People pick up on how we feel...
I have to agree with you here. People do have a tendency to pick on our feelings. Guys do tend to "feel" that you are someone who just wants to be with somebody, although not just anybody.
I have had times when I felt really unwanted, but I started writing into my journal and started noticing things more (self-psychology with truly being honest). Even though I agree that when you are single, even if happy, you still want that true love and someone to go crazy over who will feel the same. It's natural to feel that way, but maybe if we just tried harder to not focus on it so much, we wouldn't project that to others and their pity.
Pity is worse. Most of all when someone feels so alone, people should never invalidate that because every persons situation, feelings, and reasons are different and no one consoling sentence subsides anything for long.
I hope all of you single ladies out there (including myself) have a wonderful holiday. (Screw those corny commercials about happy couples and how much better that is. Remember if they lead to marriage there is a 50% chance of divorce. So not all that looks nice is nice except with the sunglasses that tint your vision).
Edited 12/2/2006 12:05 am ET by wonderingshelly
I just wanted to say, I am glad you brought up the 50% divorce rate. The OP sounded, well she admitted, that she is trying to fill a hole in her life. She said that she didn't feel loved. I would suggest that anyone who has the appropriate "self love", wouldn't feel that way. Instead they are looking for someone else to love them, to validate them, because they are unable to do that themselves. That's where you run into trouble in a relationship.
Spend sometime on the divorce boards. Just lurk there for awhile, or even the one I am on, the second marriage board. Remember that marriage is a 50/50 hit or miss. Learn about relationships. Learn about you and how you are in relationships. Learn about your own imperfections and celebrate them. Don't bring a half person into another half person, thinking you will make each other whole. It just won't happen.
OP: Do you have a best friend? Have you ever had a best friend? The strongest, most enduring relationships, marriages, are between best friends. The one person who after ten years, or twenty years, or fifty years, you still run to first with anything and everything. The person with whom you build a safe place for each other. A home of comfort and joy. A person whom you treat with the greatest of respect at all times, because you cherish them being in your life every single day.
Now, OP, is this how you feel about you?
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
"OP: Do you have a best friend? Have you ever had a best friend? The strongest, most enduring relationships, marriages, are between best friends. The one person who after ten years, or twenty years, or fifty years, you still run to first with anything and everything. The person with whom you build a safe place for each other. A home of comfort and joy. A person whom you treat with the greatest of respect at all times, because you cherish them being in your life every single day.
Now, OP, is this how you feel about you? "
Not quite. I don't believe in the half-person theory. I believe I am whole no matter what and I'm not looking for someone to "complete" me. I don't believe I am incomplete in any way. But to answer your questions, I have 2 best friends. I usually have had at least one close friend my whole life. Our relationships aren't always so joyful and loving but I do have close friends that care about me. How I feel about me? Well, I have a great relationship with myself but that doesn't take the place of having a romantic relationship. Not yet anyway.
Thanks for responding. I was just finding the thread very interesting, having been dealing with women who HAVE found that romantic relationship, only to have it end prematurely, and then jumping into another, and another, because they didn't want to spend their lives "alone". That is why I said maybe it would be worthwhile to luck on some of the Divorce/Affair/Second Marriage boards.
No matter what your intentions, 50% of all marriages fail. That is a fact. People in second and third marriages, well, the percentage increases. THAT is the reason that it is good idea to make sure you are as relationally healthy as possible BEFORE you get married.
My first was broken, broken and broken. My singlehood (even with children) was calm, peaceful, and I was content. But, I had had the relationship. So I can understand where you are the first time around. I wanted all those things the first time as well, I just didn't know how to choose, so I chose "safe" and it didn't work out. In between, I learned to love myself enough to not "need" anyone. When the time came again, I chose because I "wanted", not "needed".
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
Well I have no interest in getting married at this time. I'd just like to have the option of having a loving man in my life instead of no option at all. I also do want to be a person that doesn't "need" people in my life. That just isn't me. I want and need people in my life.
I'd just like to have the choice to be in a healthy relationship versus having to settle for singledom by sheer circumstance (no takers). It is in not having the choice that is more frustrating to me.
I see, I am starting to understand a little more. Thanks.
I work at a University, and over the years have made friends with alot of young women, who were college students and had this expectation that they would find "the guy" in college, to leave with only a degree. Over the years, there is shift in thinking, I believe. Young men, see women reaching independence. The whole nuclear family structure is gone. Men, some of whom, have a very difficult time investing emotionally in relationship, don't have to anymore. There are friends, FWB, live-in, live out...whatever. The women I know that are single, get very little in the way of "romance", because there isn't this need for long term relationships.
So I guess what I am saying is the attitude of other "single" women isn't a concern. They have come to terms in their own unique ways. But the non-committal male, is out there in abundance.
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
"But the non-committal male, is out there in abundance. "
Thanks for your input. Some of the things you mentioned, particularly the quote above hits home and its good to see that I am NOT crazy in thinking that far fewer men these days are actually interested in serious relationships and that I'm not making this up. People keep telling me they are out there but it feels like they are a tiny, hard to find minority.
Well, I'm dealing and I think I'll get better at it. To be honest, I've actually had a lot of other things on my mind this week and worrying about being single is taking a back burner.
Maybe after the holidays, I'll revisit. But if you have any other things to share on the non-committal male subject, I'd love to read it!
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