Wanting Relationship Grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wanting Relationship Grief
103
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm

Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.

That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.

Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:42pm
You couldn't have said it any better. If only people would respect other people's view points!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:19pm

I can't tell you how much I can sympathize with your predicament, since I'm in the exact same one. I relate to everything you're going through, point for point. To add insult to injury, I have severe clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I'm on medication and see a therapist, but even that hasn't been able to stifle my overwhelming desire to have a loving relationship.

I am lucky enough to have a fairly supportive family, who I am still living with (I'm 26 and in college). My mother's side of the family has multiple cases of depression, so I know it's hereditary and she's dealt with it, so she's the most supportive. My dad doesn't get it tho, and neither do my two younger sisters.

Like a lot of these girls, I've also hard all the platitudes ("It'll come when you're not looking") and so-called solutions ("distract yourself", "get a dog") and yet it's like they don't understand that distractions and animals don't take the place of a human relationship, and when you want one so bad, when are you NOT looking?

What gets me so badly is that it seems like EVERYONE is coupled up, and, in my opinion, and this is pointed towards no particular person, all the men are taken up by women who I feel just aren't as "qualified" as I am. I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm talented, I'm interesting, I love to cook, I like to try new things, I have a lot of interests that guys also are interested in (sports, computers, video games, etc), and in some ways it sounds like I'm bragging about it all.... and yet still it seems like no man is interested in me. Really, it seems the only things that are "wrong" with me are that I'm zaftig and my depression.

But whenever I get a lull in my distractions, or when I see a hot guy with some girlk all over him, or read in a magazine about coupledom (Cosmo, I'm looking at you. I love you, but you need more articles on FINDING a man and less on being a couple), I start to cry and wonder what's wrong with me and why I'm so unloveable. It really gets to me sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:43pm
Amen!!!!! It's about time that someone says it. I have been single for 3 1/2 years, and i'm tired of it. i want someone who's going to call me & tell me that i'm beautiful and sexy. i want someone to make me feel special--like i have something that no one else in the world can fulfill. I want to be in love. I sometimes feel that the desire wouldn't be so strong if i had more fulfillment in my other relationships, however. I don't have close female friendships, and i don't get the needed attention, praise, or acknowledgment from my family. I know that if i find me a boyfriend, i'll get that special attention that i crave. however, i feel that i will never change the way that my family shows (or doesn't show) love & attention. and as for a close female friendship, well, i don't know if i'll ever find that either. a boyfriend is far more likely. I'm not saying that this is your issue. it's definitely mine, but it's something to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:07pm

I actually started a very similar thread to this on another board. I am happy with every aspect of my life except that I am single and that's okay with me! I have had tons of well meaning people tell me how lucky I am to be able to come and go as I please and watch whatever I want on TV, but as I said in my other post, all of those things pale in comparison to getting married and getting pregnant and having a family. Anyway, glad to know I'm not alone with admitting I am not happy with singlehood!

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:13am
Icon or no icon - i can only repeat again that i personally would never be able to call my life *fulfilling* or *complete* or *fabulous* without a steady partner to share it with, something would always be missing. And in my opinion i share this way of thinking with the vast majority of women of my age (36). But, as i said before - to each their own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:09am

I firmly believe that women who claim to be perfectly happy leading their 'complete fulfilling and fabulous' lives lack the 'wanting to be part of a couple' gene, or have some kind of loner/anti-social tendencies. I absolutely agree with you: there can be NO such thing as a complete fulfilling and fabulous life without a partner, no matter how many great friends and relative you have, how amazing and rewarding your job or how lovely your house and/or your car. All those wonderful things are only wonderful if you have a committed loving partner to SHARE them with. I too absolutely agree that about 90% (if not more) of women of our age (36 too, *wink*) would agree with us. Come on, let's be realistic here. Women were not put on this planet to make money for companies and purchase property; after 30, you don't want to party and have girls' nights and endless gatherings with great friends; whilst all those things definitely do have a place in a woman's life, there are an ADDITION to a serious, committed and loving relationship with a great partner. End of story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:58am

>>>Come on, let's be realistic here. Women were not put on this planet to make money for companies and purchase property;

WTF??




Edited 12/12/2006 8:17 am ET by bpang70
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 7:51am

Here's the thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:10am

Totally agree here.

To each his own. While I'd rather have a partner to share my life I do realize that some do not feel this way and that is fine. There is no need to try and convince anyone that how you feel is how everyone SHOULD feel because that is absurd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:46pm
I personally have bought a condo being a single woman over 30 and am working in the science industry which is predominantly male so I would have to disagree with you in this sense. Although a relationship is very important to me and I find it to be a big part of my life and really would prefer to be in one I find that being successful in my career and owning a condo does give me a big satisfaction in life and does add to my life a great deal. When I'm not in a HAPPY and I repeat HAPPY relationship I feel as if something is missing in my life if all I have is friends, condo and job and not the relationship or husband or children. But I can feel grateful for having all those other things. I don't believe that women should or do have any particular "purpose" on this earth. Our "purpose" is what makes us as individuals happy and to fullfill those dreams and happiness. Some don't need a relationship and thriving in their careers and hobbies are their dream and others' dream is to have a family and children. It's the 21st century and things have changed big time so there is no particular innate "purpose" for women. If some women don't want to procreate then I think they should have that right not to want that, they can still adopt if they ever change their mind on the children thing later in life. For me having a family is one of my biggest dreams and that's just "for me" for others it's not.

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